RIP - Benjamin Garfield Suntken

When I was 15 my family moved from Wenatchee, Washington to Austin, Texas. It was a big move, and our second one in two years. My brother was 8, and with our folks feeling a bit guilty about yet another move...especially moving from one completely different type of region/culture to another...we were promised a new cat once we got settled in. We had one when we were younger, but he had passed away about three years before.

After about a month at a Residence Inn, we moved to a rental condo unit in downtown Austin while our new home was being built. In late September, once we had most of the unpacking done and things were settled in, we went to a PetSmart where they had kittens to adopt. We found a small orange tabby with two different colored eyes. He looked to be about 4-6 weeks old and could easily fit in our hand. We adopted him and called him Benjamin Garfield, or "Benny" for short. My first memory of him was setting him on the floor of the condo. He started cautiously walking around, one step at a time, until he froze in his place. All of a sudden he arched his back and every orangish-brown long hair on him stood straight up. He started to snarl at his enemy, which happened to be....himself. It was a mirrored image of him in the bottom drawer of the stove. As he stood there hissing and snarling at his new enemy, the rest of us busted out in laughter. It took him a few weeks before he realized the enemy in the mirror wasn't going to harm him.

I only lived with Benny for about three years before I moved out on my own. My main memories of him were licking butter when it was lying on the counter uncovered; laying in his "cat post" at the top "landing", on his back, with his tail sticking down the hole that he would climb up through; taking it upon himself to destroying the bugs in our Austin home, which included scorpions...one which pinched him and swelled up his cute nose. Once we went to Florida for about 10 days and came back to find an assortment of dead bugs on the fourth step of our house leading up to the second floor. He had killed them while we were gone, then put them in an easily noticeable spot. I think it's safe to say he had great pride in what he had accomplished. I remember the time where he fell from the second floor landing to the first floor tile, a bit shocked but luckily not harmed. He loved to lay on the bed when it was being made, especially when you put the bedspread over him. You could pet him under the bedspread and he would purr with content. He loved tuna, cookie dough, and an assortment of other foods that are not normally fed to a cat.

He rode with me in my Honda Civic from Austin to Peoria, and was actually pretty quiet other than a few mews along the way. He got angry at me when the folks and my brother went away for a weekend and I stayed behind. I think he thought I killed them. He howled in the basement where the garage door was; I had never heard such sounds coming from a cat. I'd let him in the garage to see for himself that I wasn't hiding the family in there, and he would come back in the house still ticked. He was never the same to me after that. My mom thought I had company over that spooked him, but for the written record it was just me and him. It was the first time he was left alone with just one person other than my mom, and by that time he and my mom had grown a close bond since she was home and took care of him the most.

It was hard these past fifteen years to come visit the family and have him treat me like a common stranger. I fed him on occasions when mom and dad would travel, and he would have brief moments where he would treat me nicely...but then after I fed him I was of no use to him and he would be back to ignoring me, hissing at me, or hiding from me. It hurt a bit; he was to be part my cat, but that's what happens when you leave home and don't come back often.

A couple of years ago he was diagnosed with cancer. My brother referred to it as "kitty cancer", though Benny was 16 years old by then and no kitty. He fought a hard fight, but my mom and dad did everything in their power to make him comfortable and to give him whatever he wanted. They rearranged their lives around him, knowing that every time he was by himself it usually made him worse off.

A couple of weeks ago I saw Benny for Mother's Day. He had lost a couple of pounds and wasn't eating. He appeared to be nearing the end. He was sitting in his favorite basket, where my mom would put a blanket over it to keep him warm and comfortable. She lifted the blanket before I left, and to my astonishment he let me pet him. Twice. He didn't move, had his eyes open. It wasn't that he lost his fight; I think he just knew that I was not going to hurt him, and let me have that moment to touch him for what I figured was one last time.

He made it another week, and I saw him again. He had a little more bounce in his step, and while he let me pet him again he then quickly walked away. Still, it was unusual for him. He was affectionate with my mom and somewhat with my dad; also my brother when he would come back home from school and he had a few hours to remember him. He just wasn't that affectionate towards me, as I was very much a stranger.

On Sunday, May 24 it was determined it was time to put Benny to sleep. He couldn't eat, couldn't drink. He was constantly thirsty, but just couldn't drink water out of any container or sink. He wanted to go outside, which he never did; we think he wanted to go out and find a place to rest and just die peacefully. My folks did the right thing, took him to the vet, and had him put to sleep while in my mom's arms.

Benny was almost 18 years old; that's a long time for a cat, and the bonds that grew during that time were strong. I of course feel bad and shed a few tears. But the people hurting most right now are my dad, brother and mom, in that order. They had the longest and closest connection, and to them this is like losing a child or sibling.

After a lot of discussion, Benny will be cremated on Thursday. My parents picked out an urn; considering they move so much I was glad to see they chose something that could be mobile with them. I couldn't picture them burying him and then leaving him someday. It would have been a nightmare.

So rest in peace, little Ben. Thank you for the wonderful times you have given our family, and especially the comfort and happiness you gave our mom. You will definitely be missed.

Stereotyping

Last night Kris Allen won American Idol. I don't find stuff like this too noteworthy for my blog, but I've been fascinated with the media coverage. I haven't gotten too into this season; it's more background noise, really. But this idea that the voting between the final two will be "red states vs. blue states" or "gays vs. Christians" is nuts. I think it's horribly insulting, quite frankly. Maybe some people think that way, but I certainly don't. To say Kris won because of the Christian vote is just as insulting as saying Adam should have won because he was gay. Who cares? This is a reality show, people. Neither one of these guys is going to have an impact on our world. In a country where we are suppose to be treating people as equals, why does the media always break things down against races, religions, etc?

I've spent a good portion of my last two weeks logging resumes - almost 200 of them for a few positions we are hiring for. We are an equal opportunity employer, so we have to track each person who sends us a resume, the position they are applying for, and the ad they are responding to. Ok, that's fine. What I take offense at is I then have to categorize them by sex and race. Luckily there's Facebook, so it's easy to figure that stuff out when the name makes it a little more difficult. But how is this process making things equal? On a personal level I don't think about people that way, but this stupid process forces me to. I hate it. I think it's ridiculous and does the opposite of what it is supposed to do. It goes against what I was taught and brought up to believe.

You know why Kris won? Because more people thought he would make a better recording artist, and I think they are right. Adam belongs on Broadway; albums are not his thing. I did like Kris more, because I tend to support those who have varied musical talent (the guy can sing and play several instruments) vs. going for the guy who can put on a fantastic stage show. But to say that I'm against gays because I supported Kris is ridiculous. I have gay friends; I'm certainly not against them. And I don't go to church, so I'm certain not the "religious right." And to say the majority of people who voted for him are homophobes is shortsighted and wrong. Again, I'm sure that happened to some extent because there will always be sexists and racists out there, but I'm guessing the impact was minimal. Kris won because he connected with American Idol's core audience. And you know what? In the end Kris will get his album, Adam will get his and probably a lead on Broadway. Both have the opportunity to have successful careers. This show isn't about winning anymore like it was back in season one. If you get into the top 12 and have a good enough agent and high likability, you're almost guaranteed a year-long contract giving you time to prove yourself.

To say this showdown and the end result shows how "backwoods" the American voters are is just wrong. And anyone who does say that sounds like they are the ones with the stereotyping issue, not me. If we want everyone to be equal in this country, we need to stop thinking that equality means someone should get something just because they fit into a certain "minority" class. As a female, it's insulting and degrading. I want to have success in my life because I've earned it, not because it was handed to me because I'm a girl.

I'm stepping off my soapbox now. We'll see what happens from here.

Star Trek - 2009 Movie

So Brad, my dad and I saw Star Trek at the Strongsville Cinemark today. And...I enjoyed it. For a two hour film it seemed to fly by, and it left me wanting more. I thought it was pretty genius how they changed the storyline in order to give them more creative freedom with future movies, which there definitely will be. I thought the casting was brilliant, and I can't wait to see how this new timeline unfolds. I loved how pics from the film were released to lead us a particular direction that never occurred; another genius move. JJ Abrams did a fantastic job, and as long as he's leading this effort I will continue to be a supporter. I also enjoyed the quick cameos of people from some of his tv shows; he certainly seems loyal in that aspect to those lesser-known actors that he's worked with before.

With my dad on one side and the husband on the other, it was extremely cool. My dad would occasionally lean over and make excited comments about a certain character, especially those involved in the original series who did cameos or sometimes just were quick glimpses in the background. The acting was great; I cared about these characters, and they stayed true to who they are. Special effects were amazing...really, just a great movie. I can't wait for the next one, and hope that we're close enough to the family to be able to once again share the experience with Dad. And if we're really lucky, if we can get my brother that would fill in what was really the only "missing link" for me.

33's not too bad...so far

I've been through a range of emotions on the days leading up to my birthday. I think it was a solid combination of pain, a reaction to Melatonin I had taken a few nights in a row because I was having trouble sleeping, and the fact we're dealing with some serious personnel issues at work that I felt the Board was not going to handle appropriately. And if you know me, I have a hard time accepting things if I feel people are getting away with something that they should not be. I would have lost a lot of respect for the Board if they had chosen the path they originally wanted to follow, but calmer heads have prevailed and they are now going to go in the direction I recommended. The solution is not an easy one, but people made their own bed and now they have to lay in it. I have nothing to feel guilty about if in the end they lose their job(s).

Friday was actually a really good day considering the circumstances. A former President of the company who still works here part time was back from Florida, saw it was my birthday and invited the accounting department out for lunch. We were minus one person, but went anyway. It was part birthday celebration, part thank you for the little things we do for him while he's away in Florida for three months. He insisted on having wine, I had a great grilled chicken sandwich and then we all had dessert. I was absolutely stuffed, but if my day had ended there it would have been a good one.

Brad sent flowers and a bear; my parents sent carnations that looked like a big cupcake. It was really cool. My brother called me at 5pm to wish my a happy birthday in between his school obligations. I got a flood of emails and Facebook birthday greetings. Went home, picked up some Chinese food and met up with Brad, who had taken the afternoon off to work on a big paper due for his class the next day. We ate and talked; we had hardly seen each other all week, so it was nice to catch up. He gave me a birthday card, which ironically he had given me before. He even mentioned it before I saw it, and yes, it was definitely familiar. What was even more funny is the message he wrote was almost the same as he wrote in the other one. He's definitely consistent, which is a good thing in this case! I helped him hand write notes for a role-play session he had the following day, and then I headed upstairs so I would be out of his way so he could work. To my surprise the neighbors across the street then stopped by with a homemade birthday cake. Considering they didn't start speaking to us again until about a month ago after a 1-1/2 year silence (completely their issue...the one guy resigned from the homeowners Board and developed a jerky, isolated attitude towards everyone), it was a nice gesture. Unfortunately I was too stuffed for cake, so I went upstairs, watched some TV and fell asleep.

Brad came to bed late, and when I opened my eyes a little later I saw 12:17am on our clock. I have this weird thing about time; I can think of a time I want to wake up and literally wake up at that time using nothing but my brain. Honestly, no lie. So the significance of 12:17am on Saturday, May 16 is that was when I was technically born - Eastern Time. I was born 9:17pm in San Diego, California. So...when I awoke I had finally and officially turned 33. I didn't turn into a pumpkin, my life didn't implode. I was in horrible pain, could barely move, but was so exhausted due to some great pain meds that I just went right back to sleep. Welcome to 33.

On Saturday Brad left for class early. I got ready and met the parents at Olive Garden for a light lunch. We went back to there house where I got a few birthday gifts, one in particular which was awesome - a book about Abraham Lincoln and the people in his life, focusing on the day of the assassination and after. I had never seen it before, and I can't remember the name at the moment. The photographs are amazing; I did a quick glance-through and saw some I had never seen before in my collection. I'm excited to read it, and it's even more special because my dad picked it out for me. Let's face it, mother's usually do the shopping, so when my father selects a gift it gives it more meaning. Plus he and I share a love of history, so it was an appropriate gift.

Brad was still in class so to kill time we then did a couple rounds of bowling. I can't play in my old form due to whatever mystery illness I'm suffering from, but I can bowl over 100 so it's not horrible. I'm adapting, and I think it's fun. We even got my mom to play, who surprisingly ended up on the bottom of the scoreboard each time; my dad of course was at the top, but he has been bowling almost his whole life so we're at a bit of a disadvantage.

We then drove 45 minutes north to Cheesecake Factory. I haven't been there in years for a meal (we have picked up dessert to go on a few occasions), and thought it would be a fun atmosphere. Brad met up with us shortly after we got our table, and we had a relaxing, fun, good meal. We of course had dessert, so I decided to with something a little different; their 30th anniversary dessert. A few years off, but I felt it was appropriate. I also had to take a phone pic of my parents, since they are the reason I am here today. They, like myself, hate photos, so it was nice of them to comply with my request to smile for the camera.

So that was my birthday. Now when I'm a few years older and I can't remember, I have this blog to go back to. Brad told me the day before my birthday that we - the two of us - would officially celebrate the following weekend, so the pressure is now on him to deliver. I'm a simple girl; just take me somewhere that is not Cleveland or Akron for a day and I'm happy. There are too many things to see out there in this world, and I love nothing more than exploring. And exploring is always best when you have your best friend by your side. Time will tell what next weekend will bring.

Coming of Age

I once read that if you're a "Hobbit", you come of age at 33. Well, today is that day for me.

I usually don't think much of birthdays, but this year has hit me a bit hard. Four years and four days ago I received an artificial disc, and every year since then, for every birthday, I've always thought "By this time next year things will be better."

But you know what...no more wishing. It looks unlikely to happen, and I have to deal with what I have. I have to reassess what I want out of my life, and how I'm still going to be able to accomplish a dream or two despite my physical/health condition.

I had a great start in life, and seemed ahead of the game with school, work, life in general. But I've stalled the last few years - basically since moving to Ohio - and in some ways have gone backwards. The pain has taken away a lot of my fight, but I need to get it back. I have to, end of story.

So today as I "come of age," it starts a serious conversation in my brain of where I want to go in life. I can't rely on old dreams, I need to create new ones. I need to try and regain a little of what I've lost of myself that I'd like to get back.

In terms of my day, it's probably my least exciting birthday ever. Working all day; co-worker asked for the day off, and I wasn't going to deny my staff a day off just so I could take off for selfish reasons. What would I do today, anyway? I suppose travel somewhere, as I have no qualms about traveling on my own. Brad is focused on his intensive week long class, so no dinner tonight with him except maybe some fast food at home in between his studying. The parents wanted to meet with me downtown for dinner, but didn't feel right doing it without the husband. So basically your standard day. Maybe this is another part of the "coming of age" thing, but I'd hate to think that it means an end to anything fun. Someone please tell me that's not what it means, because if that's the case then the rule must be broken.

It's kind of like my 21st birthday. I woke up in Lafayette, Indiana at a Red Roof Inn, met with a guy selling calling cards for breakfast at Denny's, then sat in a company/regional meeting all day. Pizza Hut for lunch, where I was toasted with Pepsi beverages. I drove home in the dark and spoke with my family and friends on the car phone on the way back home to Grand Rapids. Instead of going straight home I went to work, where I spent time talking with the owner about operations stuff. Got home about 11:45pm, opened my cards and a gift from the folks, and went to bed. Pretty pathetic, but I will say the following weekend I basically went on the "21st birthday tour". Managed to drive to different cities in three different states for my work responsibilities but met up with people I knew along the way and celebrated every night until dawn. Good times.

So as for my 32nd year? How will it be recorded in my memory, and on this blog?

Career - Very satisfying; found those traits I was forced to lose at my other job and found I still "had it." Finally felt I had reached a little bit above where I was when I was 27 and left my job in Minnesota.

Marriage - Considering everything, I think still strong. Today also marks the day Brad proposed eight years ago. I occasionally (jokingly) chide him for proposing on my birthday, since if things don't work out my birthday will forever be scarred. But so far, so good. I learned in a communications class once that by now we should have had many thoughts of leaving each other or possibly throwing the other one out a moving car, but I can say on my side I've never once thought that. I have a great partner in life.

Health - The never ending battle. Had a successful surgery, which considering the fact that it had a very high possibility to leave me bleeding out on the table and dead (it really was a very dangerous surgery, and I was warned many times in advance) I'm happy to still be here. I have a great spine, but still need to figure out why my body continues to attack itself. I thought in my younger years I treated it quite well; it would be nice if it would "work with me" once in awhile.

Personal - Largely due to my health and a somewhat depressive state it caused, age 32 was a time where I found myself really separating myself out and limiting communication. To communicate you need stuff to share, and I just didn't much to share. I'm still trying to get myself to "snap out of it." I miss my family & friends, and really need and want to spend more time with them this year.

Travel - It might be weird to make this its own category, but it's one of the things that makes me most happy. I got to do a little traveling, but no true, real, relaxing getaways. We spent a lot of time in Maryland because of the surgery, but it wasn't true travel. Did drive through Delaware and a small part of New Jersey, so was able to add two new states to the list that I've now been in. Saw Philadelphia briefly, but more importantly walked through Independence Hall. Drove through Chicago many times but never had a chance to stop. Drove to Iowa and back (and repeated a week later) so my Grandma Grimm could be here for my mom's birthday. Drove and flew to Iowa to see Brad's mom many times, though the last time was for her funeral. Did a few day trips to Pittsburgh, and went to Wheeling, WV to a casino one afternoon just to kill some time. Also managed to to go to Athens, OH and see where my brother was living/going to school. Traveled to Put-In-Bay again. So, that all being said, maybe I did out more than what I thought. However, I think the key word at the beginning was "relaxing", and unfortunately most of the traveling was done with limited time. This upcoming year I'd really like a trip to someplace warm where I just "be" all day.

I'm not quite done with being 32 yet. Today might be my birthDAY, but I was born at 9:17pm Pacific Time. Since I'm in the Eastern time zone, it technically means I won't turn 33 until 12:17am tomorrow morning. So if you don't mind, I think I'll get to work and try to make the most of my remaining hours before I officially "come of age." Bye-bye, 32. There goes yet another year.

P.S. This little guy is courtesy of the husband for my birthday. He'll go right next to my little Chicago Bears cub on my desk.

Lazy Day

I usually work pretty hard when I'm in the office, but occasionally I have a day where I just don't want to work. My body is here, but my mind isn't. Today is one of those days.

It's been a rough few weeks at work. Actually, it's the first time since I started in December 2007 that I've been a little frustrated with some of the higher-ups. It's not a bad thing, because once Brad gets his MBA in December we want to explore leaving the area. It would certainly make it easier to leave if I no longer have in my head what a perfect company it is. It's not as bad as the other places I've worked at here in Ohio - not even close - but it is no longer perfect.

So today I've been here almost four hours and accomplished almost nothing. A few things, but mostly chatted with friends online and talked with some folks here. I am completely unmotivated today. And yes, one could say that I'm wasting company money, but the truth is that I've put in more than 40 hours already this week, I don't get paid for my OT, and I have done what I need to. I put in a ton more hours than I've gotten paid for, and today I just don't feel like putting in an effort.

Where is my head? I don't know, anywhere but here. Want to escape somewhere, don't know where. Even if I went I'd be in pain so would likely not have much fun. Unless I just kept drinking, and if I surrounded myself with entertaining people. That could make me forget about the pain and probably be fun until I feel asleep and woke up the next day with a hangover.

Silly to say, but the goofing off and dreaming about places that aren't here have actually put me in a slightly better mood. I think I'm going to go off and try to be a productive adult this afternoon.

Star Trek

Yes, I'm a geeky girl who loves Star Trek, so I'm excited about the new film that I've heard is amazing (at least from my friend Moe, whose judgment I trust).

The reason I love Star Trek is because of my dad. We would sit and watch the original tv show reruns together every weekend around our small, brown, tv in our living room. It was all so campy, but as a four/five year old the colors, stories and creatures captivated my attention. When the movies came out, I always saw them with my dad. My mom wasn't into the series, so originally it was just the two of us. I remember going to a four-plex theater in Rockford, Illinois. We'd get there early, and sit at the top row, center. At that time there were no commercials and advertisements like there are now; it was just a "star field" of various colored lights on the screen, all moving to create very entrancing figures. My dad and I would sit there, eating popcorn and basically making up our own "movie" to the colors on the screen. "Oh no, watch out! The alien is behind you!" Stuff like that. We used our imaginations to kill time until people started filling the seats and the movie started.

I received the "Star Trek" magazine for a few years, which we learned of its existence while stopping at Wall Drug in South Dakota during our move to Wenatchee, Washington from Sterling, Illinois. Later when we moved to Austin, Texas, we attending a very small Trek convention. For the record, we did not dress up as cast. We loved the series, but not that much. In the 80's and early 90's, we had every movie on a VCR tape, which we watched often. It was an important bonding experience for us.

When Star Trek Next Generation started we were both against watching the show. It seemed hard to imagine it would have the same "integrity" of the first show, but for me it turned out to be even better. We finally saw an episode and were hooked; I credit the Borg storyline for our interest. Now my younger brother joined in the bonding. As the movies kept coming out it was now the three of us. I think I have seen almost all Star Trek movies except maybe the first and last ones with my dad. As I grew older and lived in places away from wherever my parents were at the time, Brad became my companion for the Trek shows and films.

I watched Deep Space Nine, but was never a regular viewer. It took reruns to get me to watch Voyager, which was a lot more interesting than I thought it would be. When Enterprise started it was always taped on TIVO, though the series never did meet expectations.

The last few "Trek" series movies were not top on my list. And while I've spent months wondering if this newest film would be able to entice me enough to watch, I've come to the conclusion that it's a must. I'm not sure how...I have to work on Saturday, Brad has class and I doubt my mom would be happy to go see it together on Mother's Day. But maybe, just maybe, I can get at least my dad and Brad together to see the film this weekend. I just can't imagine not seeing it with the two important men in my life. I won't always be 10 minutes down the road from my folks, so I want to make the most of it while I still can.

How will I judge the movie? I want to be able to recognize little things about the original characters in this newer, younger cast. Scotty & McCoy were my favorites, so those actors better do those characters justice. I don't want over dramatization or the "campy" style of the 60's show, but I want lots of action and I want to be sucked in and entertained for the time I'm there. I want to feel like I'm back in that movie theater in Rockford with my dad on one side, and now my husband on the other, enjoying the cultural phenomenon of the late 20th century called "Star Trek." Just more updated, visually appealing, and with an amazing storyline that the last few movies have been lacking. And if I can somehow skip all of the commercial/ad garbage beforehand, even better.

That being said, I think this is an appropriate way to end this blog:

Five Month Follow-Up

I am really trying not to post health-related stuff on this blog, but if you are someone who is only aware of this blog and are trying to finding out how things went yesterday, you can go to www.failedadr.blogspot.com.

I drove 800 miles yesterday to Baltimore & back. It's amazing how you're driving through three connected states, yet I feel like I went through about four different countries. The landscape, people and culture change so much along the way that I find it fascinating. Once I got north of Baltimore I started to get that "we belong here" feeling. It's something I've felt for awhile. Not necessarily Baltimore alone, but the whole D.C. and surrounding region. I've lived in nine states, which included ones out West, in the South and the Midwest. The D.C. region basically takes my favorite things from each of the states and combines it all together to one dream area, at least for me. While I would have liked to have made it a four day weekend there with the husband, he starts he one-week intensive MBA class (second to the last one) tomorrow, and it is hard to really enjoy D.C. when you're health isn't the best. I would have enjoyed it, but not as much than if I didn't have the leg pain to contend with.

We're pretty open this summer other than work, so we're hoping to take a few trips to the D.C. area, visit family and start to investigate some of the areas. We want to have a better feel for the different regions so we can make a decision where to focus our efforts on where we'd like to work and live. Brad will have the MBA in hand, so I'm letting him take the lead this time. As for me, I want to be near a Metro station and would love a job in D.C. I think I would be in heaven if we could make that happen. It's a good motivational tool for me.

I took some pics along my trip, but mostly in PA and I'm not sure how good they are as the weather was pretty overcast. The drive home was prettier as there was a lot of light fog, but then you lost the detail on the PA hills. I'll see if there are any good ones to post later.