Devastated

My surgery was canceled approximately 20 hours prior to when I was to leave for Baltimore.

My platelet count is extremely low. 21,000. While I'm certain it's due to the high ANA levels in my body...which is my body's way of fighting the implant...and unfortunately also "fights" tissues, muscles, bone and little things like platelets...it doesn't matter. They can't operate on someone they fear might bleed to death on the operating table.

So here I sit, in the dark, at home. My head is pounding from the past two hours I've spent crying hysterically. I cannot believe that I came so close, just to have it taken away from me.

My fear is that now I have to see a hematologist. This person will no doubt run their tests and ignore any evidence I bring to the table as to help educate them about my situation. They will likely try various things that won't work, will diagnose me with something that I don't technically have on my own, but because of this damn implant that I'm now stuck with for an unknown amount of weeks or months more than what it's already been. This process will take weeks because it is the Cleveland Clinic, and because I'm not a patient with wealth and fame that might bring them some more prestige.

This was my chance to have the surgery with little interruption to my job. Year end close starts January 5; even if I have the surgery three weeks from now, that's putting me back at work at the end of January. I don't think that's feasible, at least if I want to keep my job. A person doesn't take off for six weeks during the most busy time of the year unless it's due to a heart attack or stroke.

I'm just angry. My platelet count was low in February - 110,000. My ANA levels were high; for the life of me I don't understand why my primary care physician didn't think it would be a good idea to check these levels once in awhile? After all, I see her every darn month to get prescription refills, because she only writes me stuff for 30 day supplies. After all of the extra time and energy I have spent preparing for this on a personal and professional level, and to have it taken away from me...I just have no words. I feel like I've been run over by a truck, and then the truck backs up and runs over me again, repeating the process about 100 times over. I'm just devastated. And I have no idea where to go from here.