Arrested Development does not Equal Sit Down, Shut Up

A few years ago FOX canceled my favorite show "Arrested Development" (AD). Last Sunday FOX premiered "Sit Down, Shut Up" (SDSU), a new animated comedy by Mitch Hurwitz who also created AD.

Three of the AD cast do voice work for three characters - Jason Bateman, Will Arnett and Henry Winkler. And after watching the new animated show, it did nothing but bring back the anger and frustration over the AD cancellation since the new show is pretty lame. I wanted to like it, but I didn't. I know pilot episodes are rough and often unlikeable so I will give it a second chance, but if it sucks just as much I don't believe I'll be allocating any of my time to the show.

In an effort to get people to watch the show, FOX has now created a long online promo basically saying they messed up, canceled a great show, but now as an apology they are offering SDSU so us AD fans should therefore watch and we'll all be happy again.

Sorry FOX, doesn't quite work that way. I'll see the AD movie when it comes out as many times as I can, will buy the DVD and even a Franklin puppet if they come out with one, but I'm not going to watch a 30-minute show that seems disjointed, with confusing characters and no real plot.

Smart Business Network

I looked in my mail today and found a delightful invitation to a President's Forum from the Smart Business Network. Because they think I'm a successful CEO (not my title, but oh well), I can attend this event for $195, where I will get to mingle with others and talk about how successful and smart we are. For an entire day.

I like the naming of the company, because they certainly are "smart" since I know there are actual people who will cut the check and attend this thing. Smart business for the company selling this, but not so much for me. Even if I was able to pretend to be a CEO for the day.

TV Favorites

My last few posts have not been on the most happy of topics, so I thought I would share something more lighthearted today. My top television shows, at least as of now. What can I say, tastes change!

• "The Office." I will never, ever get sick of this show. Now with the Michael Scott Paper Company in business, I'm more drawn to it than ever. I love how the characters have evolved, though I'm still wondering why Jim hasn't evolved more than the rest. They've hinted at some stuff with him in the past, but aren't taking it anywhere. We all know that Pam's his girl, but what does he want in life besides her and some kids? And am I the only one secretly rooting for Andy to figure out that he's gay and hook up with Oscar? Is there a more perfect odd-couple match than that?
  
• "Arrested Development." No new episodes, but there will finally be a movie next year. I watched the show from day one, and now that it's on cable five days a week I still religiously watch. It amazes me how I still find something new each time I watch, even though I've seen each episode a minimum of ten times. The details and consistency in that show surpasses anything ever put on TV. That show is absolutely brilliant, and I cannot wait for the movie. Just like when "The Simpson's Movie" came out, I will have tickets for opening day and will be taking everyone I can with me. Leading up to opening day, I will also do my "top five episodes" blogs, just like with "The Simpson's." What can I say, they deserve the blog space.
  
• "The Deadliest Catch." I'm not a fish person, mostly because it gives me a stomachache and most of them I find gross. While it took me awhile to get into this show, it's now something I'm excited about, and season five kicks off this week. I find it intriguing how people put their lives on the line and suffer through some of the harshest conditions on our planet, just to catch crab for people to eat. It would be one thing if crab was the only thing on the planet to sustain us humans, but it's not. I've seen enough episodes now where I'm invested in the crew, and care about their plight and their success. I'm definitely "on board" with the show.
• "The Soup." Though it's origins started way back on the E! channel as "Talk Soup", definitely refrain from calling it that. Joel McHale absolutely makes my Friday evenings; he's intelligent yet hilariously funny. I think he is a genius, and I keep waiting for him to break out into a leading TV or movie role (which may happen soon if his NBC pilot picks up). Did I mention that Brad and I have tickets to see him in June doing his stand-up thing? I've read great reviews, plus have heard that he stays and signs autographs/takes pictures with everyone who wants one. Funny, good looking, and cares about the fans - how could I not love his show?
• "SuperNanny." Oh Jo, how do you have the patience to deal with such dysfunctional and often obnoxious and clueless families? The children on this show are jaw-dropping loons, and definitely make me happy that it's just Brad and I and no little one(s) around. Sure, the parents on the show are the ones that have caused their kids to have issues, and I think we'd do a much better job raising a kid, but it's definitely entertaining to watch when they are not your own or related to you in any way. Plus what is it about the British that makes them more entertaining to watch? We don't watch often, but sometimes on a weekend evening when we're not out and there's nothing else on it can kill time.
  
• "Dancing with the Stars." I never in a million years thought I would watch this show, as the demographic appeared to be more 50 and older. But when I saw some of the cast - Steve Wozniak, Steve-O, Dennis Richards (I can't stand her but wanted to see her fail miserably), I just had to tune in. And now it's my weekly Monday night staple. Brad has class, so it works out for him, too...I can just show him any cool parts when he comes in the door at 9:30pm and leave it at that. If I have one complaint, it's the dreadful singing on that show. Honestly, it's horrible, and often makes me turn the sound down or at times even fast-forward.
  
• "Millionaire Matchmaker." When I first saw this show I was at home alone (Brad was in Iowa) and not feeling the best; it was during my surgical recovery. They had back-to-back shows from the first season, so it was literally an afternoon/evening marathon. As I laid on the couch in misery, I kept thinking to myself "What horrible, dreadful people." But guess what - I couldn't change the channel. I guess it's the old "Can't help but watch the train wreck" thing, plus I was not in good shape and the thought of finding something else to watch seemed too much work. The people are still horrible and dreadful, but it's entertaining and it is set in L.A. The "matchmaker" has some good points, but usually the stuff out of her mouth is pretty old fashioned, sexist, short-sighted and petty, but it makes for good TV. Definitely my "guilty pleasure" show.
  

There are also a few shows that I want to get back into, but am finding it difficult. They have moments of brilliance, but take a long time to get where they are going.

• "House." Last week's episode with Kutner's suicide made me tune in, but I'm still having a hard time getting back into the show. It's never been the same since the original three support staff moved into different positions, and now that they killed off the only new character I liked...I just don't know if I can watch. I tape the show, but usually just end up deleting.
• "Lost." I watched loyally for three years, but felt things were going nowhere and gave up last year. I caught one episode this year that I found intriguing, but currently have three on my TIVO that I can't bring myself to watch. I've come to the conclusion the only episode I'll end up watching is the finale, as I am very interested in what the heck this whole thing was about.
  
• "Chuck." I like the show, but find it hard to stay engaged. I've missed so many episodes that I'm a bit lost. While I like the characters, I just find that it doesn't keep my attention. I want to be into it, but it's falling short for me.

Again, just something mindless for today. I've had a few rough days physically for some unknown reason, and it's something to help get my mind off my misery.

Tax Day

I just got my official notification that my federal and state tax submissions have been accepted. Yes, it's that time of year, and today is the big tax deadline day.

I don't think most people really think about taxes. Given that it's deducted from our check, I don't think we stop and really think about how much that is and where it's going. I've heard people say that maybe we'd care more if we had to actually write a check to the government each month...dollars look different when you write out a check vs. just seeing them on a paycheck stub. And it's not just your paycheck - almost everything you purchase is taxed. Sometimes it's hidden (e.g. gas prices) and other times it's not. But if you stopped and added up what you pay in a year, I think we would all be a bit shocked.

Am I against taxes? No, of course not. They can, and do, serve a purpose. I do have an issue this year, though. I see our government spending way beyond it's means; more than I ever thought I'd see in my lifetime. You can't tell me that the only people footing the bill are those making over $250k, because they aren't. Take a look at the tax tables for 2009. Sure, they've slightly changed the tax brackets, but not by much. And while one of the new bills passed this year initiated the payroll company taking less out of my paycheck, in my bracket for 2009 I'm not only to pay the same percent as last year but also an additional $400 on top of that. So why is the government taking less out of my check each pay period? If I didn't realize it - and most people don't - I would just assume it's some sort of tax break. In reality, they are collecting less and when next year rolls around I'll owe them more. Instead of a refund like this year, I'll probably be sending them a check. It's a mental game.

Everyone is having to tighten their budgets, watch their spending...but not our governments. They don't care. Though they have modest salaries, do you wonder why so many of them live in expensive homes, have private jets, etc? Why did so many people up for positions in the new government had issues with paying their taxes? Because they feel they are better than us, above us, and above the law. They write the laws and the loopholes. They know they can do whatever they want, because everything they do is so complex and convoluted that no one can understand most of what they pass. The tax system might as well be written in Greek; you think that is not on purpose? Go online and read the laws that Congress passes; do you understand them? Does anyone talk like that, or write like that in a normal business? Of course not; they make it complex and lengthy so no one knows what is really going on. It's all one big game, and the citizens are the suckers. That includes me, because I have not done anything than voting (and venting on my blog), and that's not going to change things.

The government will never hurt the people that put them in office. I'm not talking about those who voted for them, I'm talking about the ones with the money who supported their campaign, got them face-time and practically purchased their seats. You think we're going to see Hollywood stars in modest $200k homes any time soon? You think the CEOs of large firms are going to start driving Kia's to work because they are now paying their "fair share" in taxes? What is a "fair share" anyway? Why are we so obsessed with making everyone "equal" when it comes to money? Read the Declaration of Independence; we are equal in that we all deserve the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. There is a reason nothing else is listed besides those three things. It's because no one is born equal. That's life. We all have our challenges, obstacles, and gifts. I have struggled with poor health most of my life, but I am darn lucky when it comes to my career, family and friends. Yes, people should have a roof over their heads and food to eat, but I do not think we need to be equal in those aspects. Not everyone should have a $300k home; everyone does not deserve the right to eat out at Morton's once a month. If we do, then I'm going to start taking a bat to people, since if we're going to be equal in wealth then I think we should be equal in health, too. No, I would never do that, but I'm trying to prove a point here. Usually when we are poor in one area we are rich in another; it's usually a matter of one's attitude and perspective.

Though it hasn't been discussed much in the media, people are expected to gather in various cities today for a "tea party." It just so happens that one should be taking place a block from where I work from 4-6pm. While I do not have any intention of "protesting", I may just stop by to check it out. If it's nothing but a conservative rally, forget it. If it's still raining like it is now, then I definitely won't be going. But if the sky clears and it appears to be a gathering of citizens from all walks of life getting together to try and send a message to our representatives that we are unhappy with their choices regarding taxing and spending, I just might stay.

I saw an interesting opinion piece by Penn Jillette (of Penn & Teller) a few weeks ago; I think he sums up the situation pretty well. I never thought I would say that about a magician, but here I am supporting his message. I'm not thinking about what's best for me here; I want what is best for my country. I want what is best for my family, friends, and former/current co-workers, most of whom are struggling right now. There is this opinion by most that we need to spend in order to "save ourselves". I'm sorry, but I'm terrified that the only thing this spending will do is burden all generations to the point where there will be no fix. We'll all be stuck with a massive debt on our hands, yet none of us will know exactly where all of that money went to since it certainly will not be in our pockets. The government keeps talking about helping the "middle class", but I'm not seeing it. To me, this is nothing but a big scam; it just won't be exposed for what it is until it's too late.

I'm sorry for my rant, but the situation weighs on my mind. It doesn't help that I see AIG's new digs on our office floor, with their cherry wood doors, top of the line furniture & equipment, etc. To me it's a constant reminder of how messed up things truly are.

Cleveland

A lot is going on in Cleveland these days. We had the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame (RRHOF) induction ceremony on April 4, which was held right next to where I work. For a week leading up to the proceedings I could barely get in and out of the parking garage due to all of the bands' buses and trucks taking up most of the street. It brought a lot of people into downtown, which was nice to see. The RRHOF is actually a really cool, beautiful building from any angle, though the large, plain Federal Building is blocking my view of it from my office window. I always thought it was ridiculous that the city of Cleveland was good enough to have the RRHOF here, but not good enough for the induction ceremonies which are usually held in NYC. I'm sure the big names in music think Cleveland is beneath them, but give me a break - we're not asking them to come to Antarctica or some trash pit. Cleveland can put on a good show when motivated. I give props to the musicians who did come here, who put on a great show and didn't once complain about the location. In fact, several vocalized that the ceremony should be held here every year; for now, it looks like we'll get it every three years. For a city that is usually mired down in political maneuvering and a lack of true caring about turning Cleveland around, it was definitely a positive.

This week should hold another positive for Cleveland, if the city, county and state government representatives can get their act together. For over ten years there have been discussions regarding a Medical Mart and Convention Center, similar to the Merchandise Mart in Chicago; in fact, it would be operated by the same group. A vote is to be made on Thursday in regards to the agreement. This is huge for the city, and without it I think it's fair to say Cleveland will end up in more decline and decay than it already is. We're already in danger of losing our airport "hub" status with Continental, and businesses are not only pulling out of Cleveland but the state as a whole due to the taxes and restrictions on businesses in the state. I'm not even going to go into the state of decay the majority of Cleveland is in, with abandoned manufacturing facilities, buildings and homes everywhere you turn. And did I mention the 10.2% unemployment rate in greater Cleveland? The sad part is that the foundation here is beautiful; you have Lake Erie, which is completely underutilized. You have buildings that at one point were beautiful, majestic and showed off the wealth this city and its citizens once had. If this deal does not go through, I don't know if the government representatives are smart enough or care enough to do anything else to improve the situation. The corruption is too great, and there is no motivation. The citizens of Cleveland do not care, and they continue to vote the same people into office. The problem is too big to solve overnight, and no one has patience anymore. People will continue to move further away from the city, or out of the city/state all together. People who have lived here there whole lives have become immune to their surroundings, but to someone like myself who has lived in areas across the country all I see is one big "warning" sign urging me to get out of here as fast as I can.

What's my point in all of this? I'm hoping that people finally do something right and sign the MedMart/Convention Center agreement. I hope that they use local companies, local people, and that they do it right so that it actually does boost the city and the people that reside in it. I want the people of this city to wake up and do something about their situation, before they become as bad as Detroit. I may not want to spend the rest of my life here, but I certainly hate to see those that stay here suffer.

Easter Weekend

I was lucky enough this year where our every-other-Friday-off fell on Easter weekend, which gave me three full days out of the office. I really haven't taken advantage of that Friday-off thing for awhile, given the year-end closing responsibilities and all of the unusual events such as surgeries/procedures, doctors, appointments, and everything with my mother-in-law. I might not have always been in the office, but was definitely working remotely on my "Friday off" and weekends to keep caught up with everything. I haven't really gotten a break, and while this weekend was busy it was a good time to mentally reset and gear up for quarter-end close and other items that typically occur this time of year.

Though time went by too quickly, it was a good mixture of productivity and fun. Brad and I picked out tile for our kitchen, dining room & downstairs bathroom, and put together our "Lowes purchase list" that included six-panel doors, a new kitchen sink & garbage disposal, and new toilets. Our house is only four years old, but we would like to sell it within the next year or so and are working on affordable upgrades that will give our house a little something extra in hopes that it will appeal to someone enough for them to make an offer. We picked out new door handles, and knobs and crown molding for the kitchen cabinets. We still have some painting to do upstairs, along with the daunting task of painting all of our woodwork white, but once it's completed I think we'll have a pretty good looking house. Oh, and we do have some basement work to complete but that will likely be last on the list. The goal is to get this completed sooner than later so we have some time to enjoy it before we try to sell it during these difficult economic times.

When we weren't out looking at home upgrades, Brad and I spent the time together just being out and about. For Easter we went to my parents house for a low key dinner with steak, potatoes, green beans and rolls. It was nice to have just the four of us, though I wish my brother could have made it home. I texted him a message before dinner, and he called us during it and we took turns talking to him. After watching some golf (and almost falling asleep as I'm just not that into the sport), I had this urge to go bowling. I haven't been bowling in years with my back, but it just sounded like a lot of fun, and something I could actually handle. It didn't take much arm twisting, and before I knew it the four of us piled into the car and drove to a bowling alley in Norton. One of two families there, we put on our bowling shoes, picked out the ball that would lead us to victory and played two rounds. My mom decided to wisely sit out and just watch, and though my father and husband beat me in both rounds I managed several strikes and spares. Considering I was concerned about slipping on the floor with shoes that had no grip, I adjusted my style a bit so I wouldn't injure myself. It was definitely not how I was taught to bowl, but I did well; I believe I hit 120 in my second game. Not bad for someone who hasn't played in 10 years, has had four back surgeries and played with a 12-pound ball. Sure, I'm sore today, but it was worth it. It might be something I try to do on a more normal basis, as it is good exercise.

On another positive note my cousin Gina and her husband Anthony had a baby girl, Josephine, on Easter Sunday.

All in all it was a good weekend, and a nice break from work.

Spring

One definition of Spring is "A season of of growth", and I'm certainly hoping that is what Spring 2009 will be for me. Though I promised myself back in 2006 that I would try to avoid topics regarding my health on this blog (I had set up others for that), I obviously did not succeed. In truth, my life these past few years has almost 99% defined and consumed by my health problems. It's hard to avoid blogging about something that most affects your life every minute of every day, so I ended up devoting time on this blog regarding my health, especially leading up to the ultimate important surgery in December.

Now it's Spring, and time for change and growth. I'm renewing my vow to try and avoid health-related topics; I'll save it for my other blog. This year is about reclaiming my life and making the most of it.

Carolyn Fairfield - March 20, 2009

I know many of you - especially my family and friends - follow this blog and have been following the progress with Brad's mom Carolyn, so I felt it important to post it here that she passed away around 12:30am this morning. Brad was by her side when it happened, but unfortunately was the only one there with her at the time. On the plus side, he was there for his mom and I know that was very important for him to have her not be alone. His brother is back in Iowa from Japan, and his sister and her children are driving up from Dallas on Friday/Saturday. I'm flying into to Omaha in the evening; that was my original plan, and Brad did not feel a need to change it at this time. We'll know by the end of the day in regards to when the visitation and funeral will be.

Carolyn was an absolutely amazing woman who touched an unbelievable amount of lives during her stay here on Earth. I do not think there was a single person she met who wasn't influenced positively by her in some way. She was incredibly intelligent; her memory, almost up to her final days, was impeccable. She had a great appreciation and interest in people, and had an interest in each of their stories. She saw the good in people, and did her part to better her community and provide support to the organizations within it. Carolyn truly cared about each individual she met, and was the first to lend support. She looked out for others, and was always lending a hand to those who were down on their luck or in need. She was a faithful Methodist, and never feared death even though she faced it for over two years. Carolyn had a great love for her husband, children and grandchildren, and of course for her siblings and other family members. And though she faced difficult health problems for many years, she still faced life with a great sense of humor, grace, and an unbelievable amount of strength and resolve.

Carolyn welcomed me with open arms into the family back in 2002; I, on a personal note, feel so blessed for the time I got to spend with her. I am grateful that I had an opportunity to get to know her. I am thankful for the stories and family history she shared. I will never forget her intelligence, caring and wit, especially because I see those traits shine clearly in her son - my husband, Brad - every day. Though she is no longer with us here, she definitely will live on in her children and grandchildren.

I don't usually go around speaking for Brad, but I know that he is unbelievably grateful for all of the prayers and support you have offered for his mom, for him and his family. These situations are never easy, but I know that it meant - and means - a lot to him to have that kind of love and support surrounding him. We know that Carolyn is in a better place, and certainly left behind a world that was better off for her being in it. We are grateful that she is finally at peace, though we will miss her so.

March

I'm still not ready to post on here regularly; posting on my Failed ADR blog instead. While it was meant to keep everyone up-to-date on my progress before and after back surgeries #3 & 4, it has also now become a place for update's on Brad's mom, who is on her final days. As one can imagine, we have been living our lives day-by-day since about October. It's been weird, because there can be no such thing as "planning"; everything we do is decided at the moment based on what is going on around us at that particular time. While things should be settling down within the next month, for now I just don't have the time or mentally to post on this blog. I've posted enough on here about my health issues, and while it's been a huge part of my life I just want to keep it as separate as possible from here on out. There are lots of other things on the horizon, and when the time is right I'll find my way back here. So for now, if you're wondering how things are going, my other site or Facebook page is the place to be.

Waiting

Just a brief check-in, as I'm still more on my Failed ADR blog these days. Had the IVC filter removed in Maryland this past Friday, and am seeing very small changes in pain levels. Not drastic ones, just small ones. A week ago I was in agonizing pain that drove me insane, and now while I'm still in a lot of pain I am still somewhat able to work through it. Most of my energy is unfortunately going into my job; have to pay the bills. If I had my choice I'd still be working from home, probably PT as it is really difficult to stay focused for 10 hours and be in a car for almost 2 hours each day. By the time I get home I'm useless, and only do what I absolutely need to do.

If this whole health experience these last three years has indeed been caused by a reaction to nickel, I can't expect results overnight. From what I've read, it will likely take a month or so to really see a real change. What has been most affected is my blood make-up; my platelet count bottomed out, and my body's defense system - the anti-nuclear antibodies (ANAs) - took over everything and just attacked, attacked, attacked. It will take time for the ANAs to dwindle in numbers; my platelets won't survive while my ANA number is still so high. Both of these factors cause inflammation, hence the pain I'm experiencing. If after a month there is still no change, then I'm back to trying to figure out what the cause is. It's one thing to have pain, but another thing to have such odd blood occurrences taking place. Doctors may have disputed how much pain I've been in because I continue to work and be successful in my job, but I can't make up the results of my blood work. Something is going on.

It's just an odd time overall. I think at this point Brad and I are both almost taking things day by day, unsure of what the next day will bring. That's all we can really do at this point!

Reason Why Cleveland Clinic Sucks #47

Back in early November (of 2008) I requested a prescription refill online through the Cleveland Clinic. I had been taking this one drug to help me sleep at night, and while I had every intention of going off of it once I had my surgery, I was going to be a few days short and requested just a few pills (5 to 10) to get me by.

Now the Cleveland Clinic has an online system, so I used it. I figured it was easier than trying to call, spend time on hold and then end up being sent to some phone/key-entry prescription refill thing. I've been down that road and it can waste up to 30 minutes of your life just trying to refill a single prescription. So I did the online thing, and in true Cleveland Clinic fashion I ended up with absolutely no response.

So today I'm looking online at my drug store account, as I'm waiting for a prescription to come through in regards to my back surgery/leg pain. This one is not from Cleveland Clinic, which means I don't have to stress about it as much. But, to my complete surprise, there is my refill for the medication I requested back in November. Turns out it was filled on Thursday, January 22.

Let's see, by my math that means it took them over two months to call in the refill. Wow. Amazing work, Cleveland Clinic. Just one more reason you suck, and one more reason I refuse to go to you ever again. Also, if you think I'm paying for that prescription you're nuts - no thanks! Even if the darn thing is $4....

Thoughts on the Day

I was at my desk working when the inauguration took place, so I did two things when I had the chance.

1. Watched a video of the swearing in ceremony; I was very happy to see a close-up of the bible Lincoln was sworn in on, because I've been obsessed with him as long as I can remember and really wanted to see it. I would die if I had a chance to touch it like the Obama's did!

2. Read President Obama's speech. I find that it's better to read speeches than to watch them be read, because I like to take the theatrics out of it. So I read it...and was actually underwhelmed. It was kind of weak. Who knows, maybe I set the bar too high, but I was looking for something inspiring, and instead found more rhetoric about how we need to all come together. That's fine, let's all come together, but for what? I've been hearing this for over a year now, isn't time for something else? Again, maybe I'm being picky, but I just thought that considering all of the hype, it was a bit of a let down. I'm sure if I heard it read maybe I would think differently, but again...I'm more interested in the actual words than the performance.

I will say though, the picture of The Mall with all of those people was awesome. Quite frankly, every inauguration should be like this. It was nice to see people watching our government in action.

Another Day for the History Books

Though I had no intentions of blogging on this particular blog until I was feeling better, I couldn't help but write a little something on today - Tuesday, January 20, 2009. Today Mr. Obama will become President Obama, and our first African American president. I understand the symbolism and the importance, and for that it should be acknowledged no matter what your political affiliation is. Besides, I'm a sucker for our rights and liberties as an American, and nothing makes me prouder or more emotional than watching the leader of our government get sworn in. Yes, our system has some major flaws and is in need of real repair, but it's my country and I'm proud to be an American. My family generations before me fought hard and sacrificed to get to America, and I am so grateful for that.

Like most Americans, I'm ready for change. I was not sold on the change that either candidate was selling on the campaign, but then again I'm a skeptic when it comes to campaign promises and I'm sick of the two key parties. But I see my family and friends fearing for their jobs, and in some cases, losing them. I see a tanked economy, housing market, and the realization that dreams are going to be a lot harder to obtain now than they were ten years ago.

I don't want to go back and recreate the 90's, which everyone always seems to deem as this wonderful period of history. I want the citizens of this country to evolve beyond that, because to me the 90's were about money and greed, and quite frankly I think that's a key reason we are in the mess we're in. I want people to take responsibility for themselves, to help out their neighbors, and to contribute in a positive way to better our society. I've heard soon to be President Obama touting these values, and I hope he means them.

I have a lot of negative thoughts about our governmental leaders and where they've lead us and where they are trying to lead us. But today is a day where I just wanted to put it aside. I want today to feel like there is hope for this country, and I want to "take in" this moment in history.

Where I've Been

Sorry for my absence, but I've been putting all of my blogging energy into my other temp blog - www.failedadr.blogspot.com.

I think everyone who reads this knows about the other blog, but just realized I never made an official announcement here. I had my back surgery on Dec. 15, so I've been using that blog for updates. One of these days when I'm feeling closer to at least 70% I'll start blogging on this one again, but in the meantime I'm still on a break. All of my energies are going into my recovery and trying to keep up with my job remotely, which between the two are exhausting.

Falling Into Place

Thanks to the infection medication and my staying home for the last two days I am finally feeling almost "normal." I spoke with the Baltimore office today, filled them in on everything, and despite what I've been through in the last week we are set to go.

I have a lot to do in just four days, but it's probably best that I keep busy so I have little time to think about the surgery. I know that the first week is going to be the worst physical pain I've experienced, but I'm ready. I'm hopeful that removing the disc will help return me to a more normal life, and I look forward to the new chapter.

Another Road Block

It turns out I had a right to be concerned about the high dose of steroids I was put on over Thanksgiving. I'm now suffering from an infection caused by the steroids, and I'm in pretty bad shape. If I don't notice a large difference between today and tomorrow, I will have to cancel the surgery on the 15th. I know it sounds like I should have more time, but I also have the vascular procedure that was to happen on the 10th, and in my condition it could never happen. My face and neck is swollen and burning, my throat is pretty swollen, I ache all over and I have a fever; I definitely would not clear for any procedure at this point. I'm also down for the count at the moment, unable to work or do anything around the house, which means I can't even prepare to be leaving next week.

I attempted to go into work yesterday and only lasted an hour before I went back home. I was so ill that I had my mom drive me to the doctor, and to the pharmacy for another prescription that is to help only one of my main symptoms - my throat. While that has helped a little, I decided to stay at home today as well, as none of my other symptoms have improved.

The problem with such a high dose of steroids in a short amount of time is that it really messes your entire body up. Everything changes in your system, including your body's defenses. My problem with the metal reaction has been that my defenses have been too strong and attacking the once healthy parts of me. Now I have no defense and I'm now I'm left with this odd infection/reaction from the drugs and their end result. From my own knowledge, and from what I've heard from medical professionals I know on a personal level who unfortunately can't treat me, the hematologist never should have put me on that high of a dosage; he should have put me on a much lower dosage for a longer period of time. My first impression of the doctor was that he was all over the place and an idiot, and I guess I was right. I don't know if he was trying to play some game, but at this point it looks like he cost me my surgery in 2008. What breaks my heart is that he normally deals with cancer patients...and I can only imagine what hell he's made their lives.

I know that what's meant to happen will happen, so if the surgery is canceled so be it. There is nothing I can do at this point.

Less Than a Week

It just hit me that in exactly one week, Brad and I will be packing up the car and heading to Baltimore.

I went to the hematologist yesterday, and my platelet count was up from 13 (on 11/26) to 373. My red and white blood cell counts are messed up as well, so no wonder I feel so horrible. Though the doctor was quite scattered and didn't seem to listen to a word I said, his assistant is to be faxing over the "surgery clearance" letter today. Until I know the letter says what it needs to say I can't help but be worried, as the last thing I want is another canceled surgery date.

Though I haven't taken any steroids in 50-some hours, I'm still really struggling. I feel jumpy, yet I'm exhausted and just want to lie around and sleep. My throat is swollen and I can barely talk. My head hurts, but on a good note at least I haven't had the severe chest pains today that I had yesterday. I know that I needed to raise my platelet count, but I certainly do not feel better now than I did last Wednesday before this started. Go figure!

Let's Try This Again

It appears - at least for now - that the planets are aligned and I will be having back surgery #3 & 4 on Monday, December 15 in Baltimore.

I have approval from my boss to take off and everything is booked at the hospital. Now I just need to get past my hematologist appointment in an hour and a half and then all of the pieces will be in place. Well, at least most of the pieces, as the family and I need to work out travel schedules, hotels, etc.

The steroids I was taking this weekend to raise my platelet count have made me feel just awful, but I'm just hoping that it didn't do anything negative to my system. I still need the official clearance letter from the hematologist, but Brad was my witness on Wednesday and the doc said he would provide it. The good news is that I do not have to repeat my pre-op tests again, since they will be less than 30 days old. I know that doesn't seem like a big deal, but the thought of having to go to The Cleveland Clinic and give them more of my money and time made me a bit ill. I can't begin to explain how much I hate them and how miserable they have made my life.

Getting Closer!

I had two appointments with a hematologist this past week. I left the first visit feeling like I was being pulled back in time, as he wanted to run a whole series of tests to support his theory that I had an auto-immune disease, and not an implant reaction. I was down this road earlier in the year, and knew that this was not the case. Brad went with me to the second appointment, as I had a strong feeling that what I would be hearing would not be good news, but we were both surprised...as we ended up with what we considered the "best case scenario!"

After running a myriad of tests, the doc has come to the conclusion that my low platelet count is likely due to the implant reaction. I think he was a bit surprised. In fact, the only things that showed up as something to be concerned about support the implant reaction theory and are not consistent with anything else. He agreed with me that as long as I had the artificial disc in my platelets would be low, so it would make no sense to further postpone the surgery since the surgery is likely what I need to correct the issue. This being said, he is giving his approval for me to move forward with the surgery, with the suggestion that they have platelets on hand for a transfusion during the procedure.

The one slightly sticky point is that my platelet count tanked even more this past week. It was at 21, and as of Wednesday I was at 13. The 13 is unbelievably low, so I'm now on a heavy dosage of steroids to bring the count up. I'm taking 10 of these things a day for four days, and then will go into the doc on Monday to see what the platelet count is. I'm guessing that if it does help bring up the count, he may recommend I take them leading up to the surgery to keep the count higher. Though the count is very low (should normally be at least 150), the good news is that the platelets I do have seem to be very healthy, as I'm not exhibiting issues that most people with that low a count would be having.

On Monday I will be working with my Baltimore surgeon's office to reschedule the surgery, which I'm hoping can still be done in December. It's no longer the best time for me to do this work-wise, but I'm hoping I can still make it work. I'd really hate to have to wait until March to get this resolved (since with my job I have year-end close to do in January & February), especially since my pain levels continue to worsen by the week.

In the meantime, these last few days have been a bit odd, as the steroids are a bit difficult to stomach. I'm taking two Zantac twice a day to help neutralize the stomach pain the meds cause. In addition, the steroids have a tendency to usually make it harder to sleep, can cause headaches, and can also make you starving all the time. I'm not dealing with the starving part, but I have been hit with everything else. The good news is that I think I'm starting to get use to them, at least.

Thanksgiving day was a tough one, and I found myself lounging around my parents house most of the day feeling ill. Thursday evening I was really bad, but Friday was a bit better and today - though I was wide awake at 6am - I feel a little bit better still. I need to start re-preparing for my surgery once again, so I'm planning on taking some time today to work on that. On Sunday I'm hoping to meet up with my friend Moe in Cincinnati for lunch, as I haven't seen him in more than a year. Considering we're only 3-1/2 hours apart, we should see each other more, but with opposite schedules it makes it difficult. If I can manage to do the trip tomorrow, that should be a fun day.

Brand New Day

No, this is not a post about Sting's early-2000's hit song. I know they played that thing on the radio at least once an hour for a good year or so, but quite frankly I never was a fan of it.

While I woke up at 4am wondering if the past 24 hours had been a dream - or actually more of a nightmare - I found myself with a better and more positive outlook. It is a brand new day, after all.

Yesterday was one of the worst days of my life. And while on the surface I know it doesn't seem that bad, it was really a breaking point for me. Months and years of struggling and fighting, thinking that maybe my need to fight would be ending so soon, only to have it taken away from me. I have worked so hard to get to this point with my health and getting a resolution, knowing the toll it's taken on not only myself but my family...this was a blow to them as well. I've used every last ounce of energy I had, thinking that come Monday I would not only have my surgery but a much needed break from everything...and now that's gone, at least for now.

While I usually try to handle myself in a calm, rational manner - especially when dealing with medical professionals - yesterday I just lost it. Completely lost it. The way things went down yesterday completely pushed me over the edge. The stress I have allowed to build up internally just exploded, and for about six hours I found myself in a place I had never been before in my entire life. When I woke up this morning, I realized that my breakdown wasn't just about a canceled surgery, but was really about 20 years of struggles and difficulties with my health that I have internalized. I've taken all of my experiences and feelings and shoved them into a place so I could just "ignore" them and keep moving forward; I've never truly dealt with the situations. I haven't had the luxury of dealing with them, as I needed to focus all of my energies on trying to maintain as normal of a life as possible and coping with the pain. And if I'm being honest, I've felt myself breaking this entire year...it was only a matter of time before I had a monumental breakdown. But now it's over, and it's time to breathe, refocus and rebuild. My life didn't end yesterday, it just changed my path a little bit. And probably for the better.

I'm disappointed that the surgery is off, but hopeful I can still have it rescheduled for December. My boss is understanding of the situation, and I've now been told to do what I need to do and not worry about work...and since he's my boss, I'll gladly follow his orders. I have an appointment with the hematologist today, and I'm even coming armed with support for this one - my dad. It will not only be a first time in over a decade that I've had someone with me for a doctor visit, but I think it may be the first time that my dad is my support. I think this will be a positive thing, as I find myself drained in every way imaginable and little "fight" left. I know he'll speak up for me and fight for the right testing and treatment to get this thing moving and over with.

I want to thank everyone again for their support. I apologize for my ramblings, but for me writing is the most therapeutic thing I can do. I'm hoping one day I can look back at all of this and have a written account of my struggles...and try to come up with a way to make sense of it, and maybe even a purpose for it all.