Brand New Day

No, this is not a post about Sting's early-2000's hit song. I know they played that thing on the radio at least once an hour for a good year or so, but quite frankly I never was a fan of it.

While I woke up at 4am wondering if the past 24 hours had been a dream - or actually more of a nightmare - I found myself with a better and more positive outlook. It is a brand new day, after all.

Yesterday was one of the worst days of my life. And while on the surface I know it doesn't seem that bad, it was really a breaking point for me. Months and years of struggling and fighting, thinking that maybe my need to fight would be ending so soon, only to have it taken away from me. I have worked so hard to get to this point with my health and getting a resolution, knowing the toll it's taken on not only myself but my family...this was a blow to them as well. I've used every last ounce of energy I had, thinking that come Monday I would not only have my surgery but a much needed break from everything...and now that's gone, at least for now.

While I usually try to handle myself in a calm, rational manner - especially when dealing with medical professionals - yesterday I just lost it. Completely lost it. The way things went down yesterday completely pushed me over the edge. The stress I have allowed to build up internally just exploded, and for about six hours I found myself in a place I had never been before in my entire life. When I woke up this morning, I realized that my breakdown wasn't just about a canceled surgery, but was really about 20 years of struggles and difficulties with my health that I have internalized. I've taken all of my experiences and feelings and shoved them into a place so I could just "ignore" them and keep moving forward; I've never truly dealt with the situations. I haven't had the luxury of dealing with them, as I needed to focus all of my energies on trying to maintain as normal of a life as possible and coping with the pain. And if I'm being honest, I've felt myself breaking this entire year...it was only a matter of time before I had a monumental breakdown. But now it's over, and it's time to breathe, refocus and rebuild. My life didn't end yesterday, it just changed my path a little bit. And probably for the better.

I'm disappointed that the surgery is off, but hopeful I can still have it rescheduled for December. My boss is understanding of the situation, and I've now been told to do what I need to do and not worry about work...and since he's my boss, I'll gladly follow his orders. I have an appointment with the hematologist today, and I'm even coming armed with support for this one - my dad. It will not only be a first time in over a decade that I've had someone with me for a doctor visit, but I think it may be the first time that my dad is my support. I think this will be a positive thing, as I find myself drained in every way imaginable and little "fight" left. I know he'll speak up for me and fight for the right testing and treatment to get this thing moving and over with.

I want to thank everyone again for their support. I apologize for my ramblings, but for me writing is the most therapeutic thing I can do. I'm hoping one day I can look back at all of this and have a written account of my struggles...and try to come up with a way to make sense of it, and maybe even a purpose for it all.


Chrissy said...

Hey Carrie! I just want you to know how much my heart is breaking for you. When I have been reading your entries, it's all I can do not to cry with you. Everytime you feel like you're going to catch a break, or someone's listened to you, or the pain is going away, something happens, and it makes my heart sink.

I have to say though, you are handling this situation with so much motivation and determination...there's no way this is going to happen again. The thing that keeps people going is the will and the strength to succeed the battles which lay before them, and you have that strength, desire and determination to make it through. You will get your chance, and everyone will tell you how much better you handled it, because the fight is in you, and it is alive and it is strong!

You are in my thoughts every day! Keep fighting sister!

Carrie S. said...

I WILL keep fighting, I promise you that! That breakdown was actually a blessing, as it allowed me to completely reset and refocus. I feel much stronger now than I did a week ago, and feel better prepared to handle the surgery and the difficult recovery period that will follow.

I've always had struggles with health, but have always been truly blessed with the most wonderful family and FRIENDS - you included! Thank you for letting me vent, and thank you for your support...it is appreciated more than I can describe in words.