Reflection
This year I've found myself withdrawn and ignoring my blog. I'm still writing, just not posting. It's been a difficult year, going from doctor to doctor, having test after test, trying to figure out why I'm in so much pain and why it continues to increase in intensity. I have found myself frustrated, angry, depressed, overwhelmed and beaten down. I hit rock bottom a few weeks ago when I was told point blank by a neurologist that I was a "sweet girl", but that my fate was sealed when I got the artificial disc...there was no hope for improvement or change, and would likely continue to get worse and further erode my chances of a "normal" existence.
When you hit the bottom you have three choices - take yourself out, stay at the bottom or crawl your way back up. It took me a few weeks, but I've picked myself up off the ground. Mentally I've been "rebuilding" and getting myself back into fighting form. It's tough, physically my body is not cooperating, but I'm getting there. I've exhausted almost all options with the Cleveland Clinic, which is a frustrating system to try to navigate through when you're a single patient trying to find answers to something not easily diagnosed. I'm exploring a few new avenues, and have reopened communication with my original spine surgeon. He works with my father, and appears willing to help me in getting information from the artificial disc manufacturer and also the surgeons who have had the most experience in this area. A chief medical officer who works with my dad has also offered to help by showing my records, tests, history, etc. to a few of his physician colleagues for input and suggestions.
The road still has no end in sight, but I'm not giving up. I've come too far to give up, and quite frankly it would be very selfish of me to stop. I have a wonderful husband, family and friends that make me want to keep fighting another day. Despite the setbacks I've had these last three years, I've still managed to have a life. It's not what I envisioned for myself at age 32, but there are still a lot of things to be grateful for, and that includes the few of you out there that are reading this blog.
If there are new developments on the health front I'll post it, but otherwise this is the last health-related blog for awhile. I have enough other good stuff going on to blog about. But for now I'm calling it a night.
3 comments:
Rock on, sista! Keep on fighting! You have an amazing strength to keep you going through everything, and just remember, somewhere, somehow, there is a light at the end of the tunnel! You'll get there!
The dictionary defines a hero as a person of distinguished courage or ability, admired for his/her brave deeds and noble qualities. Courage is something that you are not in short supply of. Everyday you wake up and face your pain is brave deed that should earn you a medal. You may feel that you have no abilities or that you are limited, but anyone who knows you would tell you different. There isn't a thing that a strong will and open mind like you possess can keep you from. Maybe you don't slay mythical creatures or move mountains, but you do fight a battle everyday that even Hecules would think twice about.
I love you so much Carrie. And I miss you tons. You are a hero for many who know you. And even though you would probably be the only one who doesn't attend a parade in your honor, I bet you would hear us calling your name at the top of our lungs.
Keep the faith CareBear.
PS: the dictionary also defines a hero as a tasty sandwich. And although the sight of you make me excited and the feeling I feel after speading time with you is one of satisfaction, you are not this defination.
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