The First 10 Years of the 21st Century (2000-2005)

I didn't realize it until the other day, but as of tomorrow (1/1/10) we've made it past the first decade of the 21st century. I often wonder what I've done with my life those past ten years, so here's a (very long) recap. This way when my mind is completely gone I'll have this to look back on. Here is part one, years 2000-2005.

2000

• Lived in downtown St. Paul at the Pointe of St. Paul, which were apartments at the time. Brad was my roommate. We were on the 25th floor, had a large balcony and amazing view of downtown & the Mississippi River. Because we were down the street from the state capitol building, we also had a lot of politicians living there. Because of the free breakfast Friday's we got to know many of them. Lots of interesting discussions, and in the end you realize they are people, too.
  
• Promoted to Business Director for Concept Group. Was overseeing/handling the accounting, HR, IT and management aspects of the business. It was four blocks from where I lived, so I often just walked to/from work. It was awesome.
  
• Attended Metropolitan State University, working towards a double-major of business administration and organizational communication. I had a very high GPA and the teacher's loved me. I loved the institution as it was geared towards working adults who had actual experience in the real world (like me).
  
• Traveled to California that year (San Francisco, Fresno - to see my friend Kevin -Yosemite & Napa), and also made many trips to Illinois and Iowa to visit family.
• My parents/brother moved to Akron, Ohio; I made a few trips there, which was my first time visiting Ohio instead of just driving through it.
  
• I turned 24 years old on May 15; Brad turned 30 on January 21.
  
• For the first time I took an active role in local politics. I was elected Secretary for our precinct and attended the district & state conventions. I saw lots of politicians in action; most whom I was not impressed with, but a few others blew me away. I still follow a few of them closely, and I'm hoping one of them runs for President some day.
  

2001

• I was able to get tickets to the Presidential inauguration in D.C. However, I became horribly ill about six days beforehand with the flu, bronchitis and walking pneumonia. I was a mess, lost 15 pounds in 20 days, and couldn't do anything but sleep. I had to miss the event. I missed about 10 days of work, the longest ever (for a non-surgery related ailment).
  
• Brad asked me to marry him on May 15, 2001 (my 25th birthday), in the kitchen of our apartment, around 6:30pm. The next evening we saw Billy Joel & Elton John in concert at the Target Center, which was an awesome way to celebrate.
  
• Did my longest trip to California, with Brad, for 10 days. Hit Los Angeles, Dana Point, Fresno, Yosemite, Sacramento, Napa and San Francisco.
  
• My Grandpa Suntken was moved to Ohio in August and into assisted living; he was suffering from either dementia or Alzheimer's. His mental health declined significantly after that move.
• In mid-August I missed a step at the zoo and landed hard on one of my feet/legs. I ended up partially herniating the already torn disc in my back. I was on bed rest for a week.
  
• 9/11. No one who lived through it will forget it. It really did seem to "change everything."
• That Fall was the last time I took college courses; I did not get my diploma nor have I returned. The key reason was that the back pain increased too much for me to work as much as I did and also attend school.
  
• My mom's side of the family threw a wedding shower for Brad & I on Christmas Eve in a mansion in Clinton, Iowa. It was the first time many of the family members met Brad, and he was welcomed with open arms.

2002

• Brad & I were married on March 2, 2002 at the St. Paul College Club in St. Paul, Minnesota. It was a high of 3 degrees with perfectly clear skies; it was very sunny. A blizzard had come through a couple days before, and the snow was frozen into blocks of ice. The ceremony started around 5:10pm (10 minutes late) and was done by 5:40pm. The reception was also held on-site; it was a great day despite the fact I was suffering from a severe sinus infection. We had 58 people in attendance; our closest family & friends. This was one of the best days of my life.
  
• Living in downtown after 9/11 lost a bit of its appeal, so we moved to a rental townhome in Woodbury, MN. It was great, as there were walking paths nearby and it was a great place to go for a walk every day after work.
• My brother graduated from high school in Ohio that June, and everyone was there for the event. I was so proud of him.
  
• Brad had to spend time in Denver for his job, so one weekend I flew in and joined him. We spent three days in Colorado Springs, and it was gorgeous. We also did a trip up to Pike's Peak.
• While driving home on Christmas Day from Iowa, Brad & I made the decision to move from Minnesota the next year. It was between Chicago and Cleveland.

2003

• I met up with my friend Moe in January in Chicago, who helped me scope out apartments (Brad couldn't take off work). He played a gay, interior-designer-oriented friend (though he is, in reality, none of these things except a friend). It was a blast.
  
• I told my employer in February that my last day would be at the end of May. I had too many responsibilities, I needed to give them that kind of notice/preparation.
• Brad & I spent our 1st anniversary at Walton Hills in Ohio. It was a great romantic getaway. We also spent time looking for places to live, and we found the perfect one the last day we were there. We put down a deposit and made a choice to move to Cleveland.
• The firm I worked for did a photo shoot with fish, and afterward they gave the fish to the staff. I took two redcap goldfish & named them Fish One & Fish Two.
• Right before our move, when I was spending all of my time at work wrapping up things, Fish Two died. I felt horrible, as I felt it was because I was so busy I had neglected him.
  
• The moving truck left Minnesota on May 31; we arrived in Sheffield Village, OH on June 1. Fish One road with me in the back of the car on the floor. I bought him a bigger tank as a gift.
  
• My brother had a head injury in June, after cutting himself with a knife at work and passing out from the blood. I have never been so scared in my life, as he was in intensive care and in critical condition. No one knew the first 24 hours whether they would have to drill his head to release the pressure. Luckily it got better on its own and he was allowed back home a few days later. I couldn't imagine losing my brother so soon in life. I was also grateful to be in Ohio instead of Minnesota so I could actually be at the hospital so soon after it happened.
  
• Brad & I struggled to find jobs. At one point I had three - a temp job with Viking Husqvarna, a freelancer bookkeeper job with a graphic design firm, and I worked at a grocery store. It about killed me, especially with my back issues. Eventually I obtained a bookkeeping position at an engineering firm in downtown Cleveland. I drove about 20 miles, took the Rapid (train) into downtown and then had a 10 minute walk in the snow/rain/high winds. I kept the freelance bookkeeping job, as the money from both was still significantly less than what I made in MN. Brad got a job with a A/V retailer that Fall.
• For the first time, I missed Christmas Eve in Iowa. We couldn't get off work, and we didn't have the money to travel. My family sent a beautiful centerpiece so we knew they were thinking of us.

2004

• The engineering firm I was working for was suffering financially. I worried for my job, as our department had too many staff (though most were near retirement). I was offered, out of the blue, a job with a health care consulting firm in the suburbs. One of the employees from the graphic design firm went to work there, and when the owner wanted someone who could do it all - accounting, marketing, business management, etc. - the guy thought of me and contacted me. I accepted the offer and started in April. After one day I hated it and felt I made a huge mistake. What was presented in the interview process was not reality. Though it was a group of 11 people, they were backstabbing, devious and arrogant. I could use more words, but I'll limit it to those three. There were a few great people, but the people at the top ruined the whole experience. I had never hated a job before, but I couldn't afford to leave so soon after I started, especially since it had been so hard to get a job in Cleveland. My commute was now 42 miles one-way, along Interstate 80.
  
• We got another redcap goldfish & named him Norman. Fish One went around the tank ramming into him for a good hour , and poor Norman hid in the corner by a plant. But then Fish One showed Norman the ropes (including how to beg me for food by making a popping noise at the top of the tank), and after that they were awesome together. Fish One was always in charge, though!
  
• Brad got a job with a A/V company that did home theater installations. He was doing sales & IT, and had normal hours. It was the first time both of us had 8-5 jobs!
  
• My friend Chrissy got married in the Chicago suburbs. It was a beautiful wedding for a wonderful couple, and I was so glad we could be there!
  
• My friend Maurice got married in Renaissance style. I was an attendant for him, and I was so honored! I represented "Earth", so my dress was green and in Renaissance fashion. We went there the day before to help set up in this log cabin in the woods. It was amazing and unforgettable. As all attendees had to dress up, Brad went as a monk. A big thanks to my mom for making our outfits!
• With my job, I organized my first sales training. I also helped develop the materials and was responsible for some of the training. I also learned how to do video editing, which was a large part of the program. It was a huge success!
  
• Brad & I went to D.C. for the first time since we moved to Ohio. We visited his family out there, and toured D.C. on a beautiful Saturday.
  
• In December, my Grandpa & Grandma Grimm came to Ohio for a visit for about a week. It was a wonderful time, though I wasn't able to take off work during the week. One evening my Grandpa & I sat on the couch and recounted stories from years past. Later on when my Grandma, brother & mom had joined us, at one point my mom misunderstood my Grandpa and asked a really silly question. For some reason we all just cracked up for 10 minutes, tears in our eyes and barely able to breathe. I will never, ever forget that night and the words I exchanged with Grandpa. The most memorable - when he talked about the first time he met me. It was Christmas Eve, and I was 7 months old. My parents had driven from California and I was in the backseat in a car seat. Grandpa opened the door, took my little hand and said "Hi Carrie, I'm your Grandpa." I grabbed his hand back. He told me that "Even though you were too young to know who I was, I felt like you and I had a connection...and we still have that connection and always will."
• For Christmas Eve we made it back to the farm; there is no better place to be on that day than the farm. Grandpa was there, as always, at the front door to welcome us. He was also by the door when we left - again, as always! - to give us a big hug and kiss, and to tell us goodbye with tears in his eyes but a grin on his face. It was the last Christmas I would get to experience this tradition.
  

2005 (the worst year)

• My back and leg pain worsened to the point where I decided to have surgery. Artificial disc replacement had been approved by the FDA in October 2004, and the surgeons I had seen over the years recommended it over fusion. By late February it was on my schedule for May.
• I finally quit the freelance bookkeeping job with the graphic design firm. It was time, and I was making enough money at my main job to drop it.
  
• Brad & I came across a new cluster home in early April that we decided to buy. We had to close on it in less than three weeks, and it was our first home purchase.
• We closed on our home on May 6; moved on May 7. Had Mother's Day celebration on May 8. My back surgery was on May 11, which was also my Grandpa Suntken's birthday. I took it as as lucky omen. By that time he was in his own world, so he had no clue who I was or what was going on. Still enjoyed visiting him, though, as he was almost reliving his life backwards. He often thought he was still working for Swiss Valley Farms and that my dad worked for him. My Grandpa was stuck at the "hotel" (really the nursing home), so my dad was doing the rounds for him. I remember the time my Grandpa was so upset because he said he got a call from a farmer who said my dad cut the money he was getting for dairy product. He told my dad that the farmer was a hard worker, had a large family & needed the money. I often wondered how many of these types of occurrences had really happened way back when.
  
• I was home from surgery by May 13. On May 15 I went out with Brad and my family to Olive Garden for a meal, and then to Home Depot to get a few things for the house. It wasn't even a week after the surgery! It was a miracle.
• I went back to work part time after Memorial Day. The first day I came home around 12:30. My mom was in the living room painting & Brad was upstairs. He didn't come down to greet me, so I went upstairs to him. He had been laid off work due to lack of work. The "irony" is that Brad asked his boss if he had to worry about his job before we bought the house and the guy said things were fine and we should buy it. What a jerk/liar.
• By early June I felt normal again. I was leading, for the first time in years, a truly normal, energetic life. I felt my age, now 29. The surgery was a success...or so I thought.
  
• Brad & I went to our first Formula 1 race in Indianapolis. Only six cars raced because of tire issues, so it was a rip-off/disappointment. The six cars basically used it for "testing", there was no racing. What was worse was that when we got back home I started having back pain again. This was the last time I felt "normal" - June 19.
  
• In early July I went to the surgeon to determine why I was suffering with back pain. This would be a search for answers lasting over three years. No one could find anything, so I the pain injections and tests started up again with no clear results.
  
• That summer my Grandpa Grimm was sick, but no one knew why. He wasn't himself.
• In early July our basement flooded after three big rains. Turns out our footer drains were connected to the street sewer system. The builder made a change in the field and didn't document it. We lost some stuff, and the clean-up was a mess, despite the fact the builder coordinated/paid for the clean-up. We had water damage, plus a bunch of mulch, leaves, frogs and fast food containers in our basement, and the water was 12" high at one point.
  
• In late July Brad got a temp job at a college in Cleveland. Luckily it turned into a permanent position.
• At work I became involved in a new product line - medical retail clinics, such as MinuteClinic, but for hospitals to own. I flew to Minnesota & Wisconsin to research the models directly, and developed the whole process for us to sell to clients - site/partner exploration, a feasibility model,a business plan and an implementation plan with time line. I was really proud of it, and it became a big part of our business.
• In August/September my Grandpa Suntken's health declined. He kept having mini-strokes. His mind was completely gone. He was admitted to the hospital several times and became unable to eat. He also would only say the word "No" and nothing else.
• October 3 around 4:30pm my mom called me at work. My Grandpa Grimm was in the hospital and they thought it was leukemia. That night I had to go to the car dealership and sign paperwork to get my new car (which I couldn't postpone because my other car was 11 years old and having issues). It was a horrible, unexpected and devastating day.
  
• October 4 I drove my mom to Iowa to see her dad/my grandpa. We got there too late so we waited and saw him on October 5. I had to go back home for work so I took a 6:30pm plane home. I told my Grandpa a quick goodbye, though he was so bad off that he didn't say anything back.
• Also on October 4th Brad's sister had Zoe & Roman; our first niece & nephew. It was great to get such wonderful news despite everything else going on.
  
• October 7 it was confirmed; Grandpa Grimm had leukemia. Doctors told him he had two weeks to live. He chose to go back home to the farm after he went through the last round of transfusions several days later.
  
• October 8-9 Brad & I went to the hospital in Iowa. On October 9 my Grandpa & I exchanged goodbyes. I still remember what was said, but I'm not writing it here. It's personal. I was so grateful that he was having a good day, and that we had a one-on-one conversation. There was laughter, tears, hugs & kisses. I left knowing I would likely not see him again, which was devastating.
  
• On November 5 I met with my dad & brother for lunch at a Thai restaurant. My mom was in Iowa with her dad (who was still alive & fighting). After lunch my dad asked if we wanted to see Grandpa Suntken, who was out of the hospital. We said yes, but when we arrived he was sleeping and snoring loudly. He sounded congested. The nurses said he had been difficult that morning, so we decided not to wake him up and left.
• On November 6 I got a call from my mom around 6:30am. I thought my Grandpa Grimm had died; I was wrong. Instead she told my my Grandpa Suntken was admitted to the hospital in Akron & I needed to go meet my dad there. He was diagnosed with pneumonia; he could not breathe on his own and was given a respirator to see if his condition would improve. He was "asleep" the entire time; he never woke or communicated with anyone.
  
• On November 10 Grandpa Suntken was taken off the respirator with my dad & brother present. I had been forced to be at work by my employer. However, it became clear he would not last long, so I was called for and drove there immediately. We sat in his room from 4pm-9pm. His stats were steady; the nurses thought it could be 24-48 hours. My dad insisted we go home and get some sleep; he would stay there. He insisted that he walk us to our cars. Adam & I told Grandpa Suntken goodbye in our own words. He was a strong, stubborn German until the end. I just walked in the door to my home when I got a call from my brother. Dad went back into the hospital and to a family waiting area where he was going to see if he could sleep for a bit. They had been paging him while he was with us at our cars. My Grandpa Suntken had passed away almost immediately after we left the room. A nurse friend of mine says that's common, that people wait to die until they are alone. My poor Dad never got to say goodbye. It was another difficult day.
  
• On November 15 we buried Grandpa Suntken in Davenport, Iowa. I had written a seven page eulogy on the trip there, and I read it in lieu of having someone else read it/talk about his life. What made it 3x's harder was the having my mom's family - including my Grandma Grimm - in attendance. Grandpa Grimm was still alive, but we knew it was short lived. This would be the first of two family funerals that year. I wanted to see my Grandpa Grimm after the funeral, but Brad & I were sick and couldn't risk making him sick. We drove home the next day very sick...the trip took forever.
  
• On Christmas Eve the Grimm family gathered at the farm as always, but instead of evening it started around 1pm. My Grandpa Grimm was failing quickly, we knew it wouldn't be much longer. We worried he wouldn't make it this far, but he had. He was in his makeshift, first floor room most of the time. Everyone was quiet & whispering. The mood was somber, but what he wanted was to have Christmas Eve, complete with ham, Christmas tree and gifts. We were going to make sure he had it. Before we opened gifts my uncles helped him to the couch in the living room. My aunt Krista sat by him, talking to him. It was the first time I had seen him since October. His sight was almost gone, he was thin, frail, and not himself. He did not have the twinkle in his eye or the upturned, laughing lips. At one point my aunt caught my eye and motioned for me to come over. She got up and I sat in her place. I held my Grandpa's hand and he actually held mine back - tightly. We actually had a conversation in sentences; from what I learned afterwords it appears it was the last conversation he had (he only said one-word phrases on a few occasions after that). Again, I'm not going to share what was said because it's private. However, I will say this. I find it so poignant that the first encounter I had with my Grandpa was with him holding my hand and I holding his right back...and the last encounter I had with him was the same. I sometimes find my hand in a clenched fist on a car passenger seat or on a couch, and I think of Grandpa; I like to think he's right there holding my hand. Brad, my dad & brother left for Chicago that night but my mom stayed behind.
• December 28 at 2:30am EST I got the call from my mom; Grandpa Grimm had passed. Many of the family members were in the next room sleeping, keeping each other company. He had made it to his favorite time of year - Christmas Eve. He spent one last Christmas with the family, that was his wish and he made it. That was what he was about: family. He was filled with love and laughter, and without him life just isn't as bright. I'm so grateful to have 29 years of memories with him.
  
• Brad & I drove back to Iowa on December 30 for the visitation; the funeral was December 31. I wrote a few pages about him and read them during the funeral. That evening (12/31) Brad, my brother & I went to Old Chicago in Davenport. We bought pizza and beers, and toasted to the Grandpa's. We also toasted to the end of what was our worst year. 2006 couldn't be any worse, could it?
  

Countdown to 2010

Long time, no write. Well, I've actually been doing a lot of writing and a lot of reading, just on the subject involving our health system and proposed changes. I have come to the conclusion there is a direct correlation between my stress and blood pressure levels and how much time I spend thinking about health care so for my own sanity I'm taking a little break.

I'm stuck in the thirty-third year of my life wondering where to go from here. It's all very monotonous: Wake up, get ready, drive 45+ minutes to work. Run around frantically trying to meet deadlines, and if I'm lucky leave by 6pm. Drive another 45+ minutes back home, eat dinner, and then try to relax enough so I can fall asleep despite being in pain & discomfort. The next day it all starts again. Half of the weekends I end up either sick and trying to recover so I can function come Monday, or I'm at work - yes, you guessed it - working. The other half I'm trying to get done all of those personal things that need to be taken care of, though I tend to put more priority on work than what I'd like to accomplish personally. It's a sad statement, but in a time with record-high unemployment and no end in site, I feel I have to dedicate a significant portion of my life to my job. I'm grateful for the paycheck and quite frankly don't want to lose it. Now is not the time to start developing a "life balance." Or is it?

I see a portion of the path that I want to go down in life, but I'm not entirely sure how to get to it. And if I'm honest, some things I know I have to do seem overwhelming and I wonder where I'll find the time or - most importantly - the energy, as pain related to health matters is still an issue. If I think back to the days where I was a Franklin Covey disciple, I should get out a piece of paper, write down the big goals and then break them up into little, doable, manageable tasks with priorities and deadlines. The system has worked before; maybe I need to get back into that mindset.

The holiday season officially kicks off tomorrow, so there is not much time left of 2009. My goal is to get as much relaxation in as possible. Not rest, but relaxation. The husband & I have three road trips planned, and while there will be down time it will also be relaxing and fun. Along the way we'll see friends and family, many whom we have not seen in a few years. It's all about enjoying the time, reconnecting, and refreshing. I want to start 2010 with a new perspective and hopefully a renewed spirit.

Writing101

Today I came across the "Ten Steps to Better Writing":

1. Write.
2. Write more.
3. Write even more.
4. Write even more than that.
5. Write when you don’t want to.
6. Write when you do.
7. Write when you have something to say.
8. Write when you don’t.
9. Write every day.
10. Keep writing.

In my childhood and teenage years I wrote all of the time, but as an adult I've moved away from it. Sure, I have my times where I find myself writing stories from my childhood and other experiences I've had, but I've not been consistent with it.

Now is not the best time to make a pledge to try to write everyday, considering my right hand is in a splint from carpal tunnel surgery. But there was a time when I was younger that I dreamed of being a writer. Not my main career, and not something I saw myself accomplishing at this age, but something I thought I might like to do when I was older.

Where is all of this coming from? A blog I read often had the question "What did you want to be when you grew up, and did you accomplish it?" I wanted to be lots of things growing up: Brain surgeon, fabric cutter, painter, graphic design artist, pathologist, radiologist, clarinetist, historian, a (good) politician, business owner, a marketing genius...see where this is going? It explains why I didn't jump into college right away, that's for sure. My head and soul were dragging me in 100 different directions. But the one thing that was consistent was that I wanted to be a writer. I loved books as a child, and would read several a week. I aspired to be like those authors whose books took me on a journey and placed me in their world. So to answer the blogger's question, no, I have not accomplished what I wanted to be.

My life has taken interesting directions these 33 years, and while I actually had several poems and short stories published while in school in local and national publications, I have yet to achieve that dream in an adult capacity. Don't look for my name anywhere in the near future, but someday...maybe. In the meantime I have to get my hand to heal, my life together, and all the stories floating around in my head sorted out and into written word. Are there other things I'd like to accomplish with my life? Of course. But this is the one thing that I've dreamed of since I was six, and I figure with the interesting course my life has taken it has to be for some purpose. And maybe the purpose involves the written word, be it electronic or on paper. I won't be picky.

A Great Day After All

Yesterday most of my day sucked. Everything that could go wrong did. But at the end of all of it, I received such great news that it was worth everything I had been through not only that day, but this whole year - my platelet count is back to normal. While in February, before I have the IVC filter (made of nickel, which I'm allergic to) removed from a major artery, my count was 9,000. Going back through my personal files, I had not had a normal platelet count since at least 2006. But yesterday my count was 190,000. The surgeon thought the lab messed up, knowing my history, and requested a recount. The recount showed 194,000.

So as of June 30, 2009, I have platelets again. More importantly, I'm in normal range; minimum is 150,000.

I try not to talk about health on this blog as that is what my FailedADR blog is for, but it was too good of news not to share on both. Some friends are only aware of this one, so I thought I would post the good news here, too.

It seems like such a little thing, but I cannot describe what that number means to me. Many doctors have given me complete and blatant disrespect and attitude regarding my symptoms and have brushed off the horrible pain I'm in, but blood work can't lie. Having this number go back to normal is huge, because it supports the theory I've had for years that I had an allergic reaction to the artificial disc put in back in 2005. My body fought itself, caused my ANA count to go up and my platelet count to plummet. It also caused joint degeneration, most of it focused in the various joints in my legs. I believe the legs took the brunt because I had Lyme Disease for four years when I was younger, and except for blinding headaches most of the pain was focused in the joints of my legs, causing some arthritis. This set the stage for what I've been dealing with for the last four years.

There are still more tests to be done, and more time needs to pass before I have an official answer. But yesterday's result is the first true indication that I might have been right this whole time. I had asked about an allergic reaction prior to the surgery and whether it was a possibility and was told no, though it was listed right on the manufacturer's web site as a potential risk. I was told by more doctors than I could count that my pain was not from an allergic reaction, that it wasn't possible. I lost count how many times I was told "If you can wear a watch you're fine." Bull. I had that thought in my mind since early 2006, pursued it with every doctor I saw...and to think that I was right and not crazy after all would be a wonderful validation. It could also be a huge benefit to those out there who are looking at getting the disc - there is testing they can have done beforehand - and especially to those who got the disc and like me, suffered from unusual symptoms ever since. I don't just want help for myself, but if I can help others with this that would be the biggest thing. It would also make this whole experience about something bigger than me, and I'd be thrilled if that ends up being the case.

Today we are leaving for our vacation, so the news is a great start. It fills my soul with happiness, and it will be one less burden I take with me. Tonight we'll be in Scranton, PA, "home" of my favorite show, "The Office." Sure, they don't film there, but I still want to say I've been there, check out a few of the landmarks, etc. Plus it's only 5-1/2 hours away from home, so it's not a bad drive for this afternoon.

I'll be sure to write from the road, and will definitely have a ton of pictures to upload on Flickr.

Is a Vacation Possible?

Brad and I are currently set to leave for the Northeast Wednesday afternoon. I'll be honest, I'm doing so with some hesitation. Do I want a week off from work? Of course! Do I want a week with the husband, just he and I traveling new territory that we have yet to explore in this great land of ours? An even bigger yes!

I have one worry, and it's my health. I try to ignore it, work around it, live around it. But then I have days like last Saturday where a simple couple hours at the mall ruined the entire weekend and sent me into an enormous "pain spiral." By the time we left I was in so much pain I honestly thought I would end up passed out on the floor of the mall. I have my stubbornness to thank for getting me to the car, but once I was there I gave the keys to Brad, sat in the passenger chair, closed my eyes and prayed for a brief coma...the only thing where I could still be alive but not feel pain, or so I think.

I'm definitely worried about the trip. The car ride - piece of cake. We're taking the new '10 Corolla, and it's comfortable and has a lot of different entertainment options. I also will have my partner in crime - Brad - right next to me. What I'm worried about is anything out of the car. Will I be able to handle sitting through my brother's musical? Will I actually be able to walk the estate grounds of President John Adams without the use of a wheelchair? Simple things, yet any of these could completely take me out of commission. And while I try to ignore it, I couldn't ignore what occurred Saturday. I was down for the count the rest of the day, and couldn't be on my feet for more than a few minutes on Sunday. That was after just two hours at a mall.

I'm certainly not going to pull out of the trip, but it certainly has my mind reeling about what I can and can't do. The last thing I want is to ruin the trip in any way, and I want to make the most of this week I'll have with my husband. I also want to make sure I'm not just limited to seeing things out of a car window. It will certainly be a balancing act, and I must do everything I can to make it successful and as painless as possible.

I did finally make hotel reservations Friday, and got some good deals. The bad news (for the economy) is that most of the hotels seem to have a lot of vacancies. It's good news for us though, since I get to take advantage of my Marriott Gold status and should get upgrades to concierge level rooms and several deals hotels were offering. We'll be spending Wednesday in Scranton, PA; Thursday & Friday in Quincy, MA (south of Boston); Saturday & Sunday in Providence, RI; and Monday in Syracuse, NY. This will officially put us in three new states we have never been to, and for me leaves only six states that I have not been to in the continental 48 states - Maine, New Hampshire, Vermont, North Carolina, South Carolina & Louisiana. We'll be somewhat close to the first three so it's possible we could hit them during this trip, but I doubt it. Must save something for another time.

RIP - Michael Jackson, "King of Pop"

That's the headline that is making the news, and will likely be something that is talked about for a long time. People are saying it's like when Elvis or Marilyn Munroe died; young, before their time, unexpected. I always thought MJ would not live to be an old man, and honestly thought he would have been gone by now, but June 25, 2009 was his day. Some people you just see and you know they aren't going to make it to their 80's, 90's, and he was one of them.

I haven't been a fan of MJ since all of the allegations, weird behaviors, etc. that came in the late 1980's, early 90's. However, there is no denying the impact he had on music culture, and was a huge part of my childhood. In the early 1980's there were two huge names - MJ and Madonna. Madonna is a different type of icon - she isn't the best singer, but she's a performer and goes for shock value. She seems like the type who will live a long life. MJ, however, was a performer and a genuine artist. He had the voice, he understood music, and with every new song he put out there was a new adventure, a new twist, a new sound. When the song and video "Thriller" came out, it was life changing. It was the first music video I saw, and it was just something you could not get enough of. It was brilliant, and unlike anything that came before it. I would say that there has not been another one like it, though many have tried and come close.

These next weeks, months, years will be interesting. It will be filled with stories, accusations. It could likely become the next "Anna Nicole Smith" with stories of people around him allowing him to be self destructive with his behavior and lifestyle. Today, the day after, most people seem to remember the Michael they knew in the 70's and 80's; the not-so-good stuff appears to be forgotten for now, and are mere footnotes. His early death has made him a bigger legend than what he already was, and that was pretty huge. Sometimes the stars that shine the brightest fizzle out before the others that are more dim. He was certainly a bright star.

While I was not a MJ fan of anything he did from 1990 on, I have always acknowledged his contribution to music prior to that, and you cannot listen to a song from that time and not have it take you back to your younger years. Singing, dancing to the music with friends and family. Watching the videos on MTV. Going for the jukebox at the local Pizza Hut and selecting his songs. Never got into the glove or jacket, but I know several who did. It was a good time, at least from my perspective and memory of my younger years.

People are saying they will remember where they were when they heard the news. I'm not so sure...maybe I will too, but my memory is not what it used to be. So for the electronic record, I was in an executive committee meeting at work. One of the members pulled out his phone as he received a text message, and out loud he read that "Michael Jackson just died from cardiac arrest." There were some "Really?" comments, a few seconds of silence. Then it was back to work, though I got the feeling that those of us who grew up with his music were a little distracted after that. People - including myself - started going online with their phones while somewhat listening to the conversation to see the news for themselves. I was one of them, and it took me about five different sites before I finally got one to load and see the new for myself.

Wednesday, June 17

So yesterday I turned in my '06 Corolla S for the new '10 version. Selfish, I know. In actuality, when looking at the numbers it was a pretty practical move, despite the small selfishness involved in wanting the new technology. Remember, I drive about 65 miles a day; I need something to help keep me entertained!

The oddest thing occurred though, and I just had to post it here for the record.

When I got my '06 car, my Grandpa G. had been diagnosed with leukemia and given 1-2 weeks to live. He lived almost three months, but I've covered that whole story in my previous post. Anyway, when I got my '06 car and was bringing it home there was a Nickelback song that was big on the airwaves called "Photograph." Something about that song really hit me at that time, especially a few lines in particular that were in the song that were going through my mind at the time. Like "I miss that town, I miss their faces, you can't erase, you can't replace it. I miss it now, I can't believe it, so hard to stay, so hard to leave it." The line "Every memory of looking out the back door" and picturing my grandpa at the back door of the house waiting to give us all huge hugs and kisses the moment we entered. "Every memory of walking out the front door", and remembering how hard and sad it was to leave him and my grandma, since I spent most of my life living several hours (minimum) away from them. The hardest was walking out the door on Christmas Eve 2005 when I knew I would never see him again alive.

So in 2005 and into 2006, every time that song came on I would tear up and sometimes find myself outright crying. I'm not a person who cries a lot, but just hearing a few sounds of that song would do it. To this day I occasionally hear it; sometimes I listen and think back, and other times I change the channel and avoid thinking about that horrible time.

On my trip into work on Wednesday, June 17, I found the song on my iPod and played it as part tribute, part closure to a chapter. No tears, just thankfulness for the memories and time I had with those I've loved and lost. When Brad and I got to the dealership and I was getting out of my '06, I told him how I remembered how Grandpa was all excited about the new car, how he had asked me to describe it, when I was getting it. We checked to make sure everything was out and went inside the dealership.

When I got into my new car, Brad and I were waiting for the temp tag paperwork to be completed so we started fidgeting with the car. While he was looking under the hood, I turned on the car radio. It was set to an AM station, so I hit the FM button and it took me to a local station. And right there, at that moment, was that Nickelback song. Is it fate? Maybe. There are thousands of songs and lots of radio stations, so the fact that song would be on around 7:15pm that night on that particular channel is unusual. But I must say, at that moment it was almost like a sign from my Grandpa, letting me know that he'd still be with me, new car and all.

A horrifically corny post, but the whole thing was just so odd that I had to acknowledge it. Bye-bye '06 car, welcome new one. May I have many thousands of enjoyable miles driving it.

October 3, 2005

The title might be misleading, as today is actually Monday, June 15, 2009. But there are two similarities. On October 3, 2005, I was at the auto dealership in Brunswick ordering myself a new Corolla to replace my 1994 one. My original Corolla was an LE, Sunfire Red Pearl with a sunroof, great memories and about 180,000 miles. It lasted me 11 years, and by 2005 it became evident that it was time to either give up the car or get ready to spend big bucks getting things like the transmission replaced. And who wouldn't want a new car after 11 years?

It might seem by reading that simple paragraph that it was a happy day, but it was anything but. In fact, when I look back it was one of those "Top 10 most life changing moments" days. Not because of the car, but because of the call I got at 4:30pm that day, about 30 minutes before I left work.

My Grandpa Grimm had been taken to the hospital, and the diagnosis at the time was potential leukemia. He had suffered all summer from bad health, which was unlike him. He was 82 years strong, still farming, still full of life. Though I hadn't seen him since Christmas 2004, I was constantly getting updates and knew he was having undiagnosed issues. Things came to a head on Monday, October 3.

I already had the appointment at the dealership scheduled, and I was still in shock. Brad and I went, and soon after we sat down I got a call on the cell from my mom. I left the chair, leaving Brad to finalize the deal. I went outside, and it was at Brunswick Auto Mall that I found out that my grandpa had leukemia, and a short time to live. Further tests had to be done to determine how long he had, but it was a shocking and devastating diagnosis.

My Grandpa Grimm meant the world to me. Up until that point, in 2005, things had not gone well starting with Jan. 1 of the new year. By this point I had gone through my first back surgery and it was evident that something had failed. I have yet to recover from what that did to me. The day I went back to work after the surgery Brad was let go from him job. We had bought a new house less than a month prior, had a surgery bill that we had to pay for 100% as it was too new to be covered, and I had a sucky job that didn't pay a darn. My Grandpa Suntken had been in and out of the hospital, and didn't know who any of us were any more. He had a brush with death in September that year (before eventually passing away on Nov. 10). There were many other things, but it was just the year that nothing went right and everything seemed to fall apart. And honestly, I still don't think I've recovered from it.

So what is all of this about? Well, today I'm heading over to Brunswick Auto Mall and doing the paperwork for a new Corolla. Since I got my 2006 version on Oct. 19, 2005, I've logged 75,000 miles and one heck of a ride in life. I never realized it until I got in a test car this weekend, but since I got the 2006 model things in life have been more negative than positive. Is the car jinxed? Maybe. Oh heck, I know it's not. But it is a reminder of that horrible day when I found out about Grandpa, and I've never been the same since. If you knew him you would know why I feel this way. I always felt his love, support, and I knew he had my back. Losing him was one of the worst days of my life. Seeing him go through what he had to for almost three months just compounded everything, though it makes me happy to know he made it to his favorite day of the year - Christmas Eve. It was the last time I saw him and spoke to him before he died about three days later.

In a small way it's sad I'll be parting with the 2006 model, because I remember my Grandpa asking me about when I was getting it and what it was like. After he died I often found my hand in the passenger seat while driving home, in a fist, like I was holding an invisible hand. I honestly had never done it before he died. It reminded me of my last time with him, his left hand holding my right one on the couch in the living room on the farm. I felt like he was right there in the car with me, supporting me. I feel like he's always been there...going to/from doctor to doctor, getting bad news about my health on the phone, and sometimes just giving me the strength to keep pushing that gas peddle to get where I need to go, even if I'd rather be at home suffering quietly.

I will say the new 2010 model is a throwback to happier times for me. I'm sticking with the dark grey, S-series, but this time I'm going with a '94 Corolloa feature - a sunroof. Well, actually a moon roof, but my first car had the sunroof. The moment I got in a test car with that moon roof and opened it, I felt this immediate flashback to happier times. It reminded me of being in my old Corolla with friends, when my Grandpa's were still alive, and I was traveling, being young and enjoying life.

I'm not going to the dealership without my own obstacle this time, either. I fell at a Home Depot yesterday and did more damage to my knees and right ankle. I bought this darn cream for arthritis that I was horribly allergic to, so I've basically felt on fire for the last 26 hours. I'm hoping this isn't a sign...hopefully just the last sucky thing to happen to me with the car that hasn't brought a lot of happiness or good memories.

It will be a few weeks before I get my new car, but I should have it before heading to Cape Cod to see my brother during the 4th of July. I'm looking forward to opening the moon roof, hearing the sounds of the road with Brad by my side, and heading for a new adventure. This car has more gadgets, which is a big plus for a gal like me who spends a minimum 90 minutes in the car a day. And it's not just a car; for me it's a new path, a new start. As humans I think we have a lot of opportunities for fresh starts, and I'm looking forward to this one. May this be the start of some positive luck for a change.

RIP - Benjamin Garfield Suntken

When I was 15 my family moved from Wenatchee, Washington to Austin, Texas. It was a big move, and our second one in two years. My brother was 8, and with our folks feeling a bit guilty about yet another move...especially moving from one completely different type of region/culture to another...we were promised a new cat once we got settled in. We had one when we were younger, but he had passed away about three years before.

After about a month at a Residence Inn, we moved to a rental condo unit in downtown Austin while our new home was being built. In late September, once we had most of the unpacking done and things were settled in, we went to a PetSmart where they had kittens to adopt. We found a small orange tabby with two different colored eyes. He looked to be about 4-6 weeks old and could easily fit in our hand. We adopted him and called him Benjamin Garfield, or "Benny" for short. My first memory of him was setting him on the floor of the condo. He started cautiously walking around, one step at a time, until he froze in his place. All of a sudden he arched his back and every orangish-brown long hair on him stood straight up. He started to snarl at his enemy, which happened to be....himself. It was a mirrored image of him in the bottom drawer of the stove. As he stood there hissing and snarling at his new enemy, the rest of us busted out in laughter. It took him a few weeks before he realized the enemy in the mirror wasn't going to harm him.

I only lived with Benny for about three years before I moved out on my own. My main memories of him were licking butter when it was lying on the counter uncovered; laying in his "cat post" at the top "landing", on his back, with his tail sticking down the hole that he would climb up through; taking it upon himself to destroying the bugs in our Austin home, which included scorpions...one which pinched him and swelled up his cute nose. Once we went to Florida for about 10 days and came back to find an assortment of dead bugs on the fourth step of our house leading up to the second floor. He had killed them while we were gone, then put them in an easily noticeable spot. I think it's safe to say he had great pride in what he had accomplished. I remember the time where he fell from the second floor landing to the first floor tile, a bit shocked but luckily not harmed. He loved to lay on the bed when it was being made, especially when you put the bedspread over him. You could pet him under the bedspread and he would purr with content. He loved tuna, cookie dough, and an assortment of other foods that are not normally fed to a cat.

He rode with me in my Honda Civic from Austin to Peoria, and was actually pretty quiet other than a few mews along the way. He got angry at me when the folks and my brother went away for a weekend and I stayed behind. I think he thought I killed them. He howled in the basement where the garage door was; I had never heard such sounds coming from a cat. I'd let him in the garage to see for himself that I wasn't hiding the family in there, and he would come back in the house still ticked. He was never the same to me after that. My mom thought I had company over that spooked him, but for the written record it was just me and him. It was the first time he was left alone with just one person other than my mom, and by that time he and my mom had grown a close bond since she was home and took care of him the most.

It was hard these past fifteen years to come visit the family and have him treat me like a common stranger. I fed him on occasions when mom and dad would travel, and he would have brief moments where he would treat me nicely...but then after I fed him I was of no use to him and he would be back to ignoring me, hissing at me, or hiding from me. It hurt a bit; he was to be part my cat, but that's what happens when you leave home and don't come back often.

A couple of years ago he was diagnosed with cancer. My brother referred to it as "kitty cancer", though Benny was 16 years old by then and no kitty. He fought a hard fight, but my mom and dad did everything in their power to make him comfortable and to give him whatever he wanted. They rearranged their lives around him, knowing that every time he was by himself it usually made him worse off.

A couple of weeks ago I saw Benny for Mother's Day. He had lost a couple of pounds and wasn't eating. He appeared to be nearing the end. He was sitting in his favorite basket, where my mom would put a blanket over it to keep him warm and comfortable. She lifted the blanket before I left, and to my astonishment he let me pet him. Twice. He didn't move, had his eyes open. It wasn't that he lost his fight; I think he just knew that I was not going to hurt him, and let me have that moment to touch him for what I figured was one last time.

He made it another week, and I saw him again. He had a little more bounce in his step, and while he let me pet him again he then quickly walked away. Still, it was unusual for him. He was affectionate with my mom and somewhat with my dad; also my brother when he would come back home from school and he had a few hours to remember him. He just wasn't that affectionate towards me, as I was very much a stranger.

On Sunday, May 24 it was determined it was time to put Benny to sleep. He couldn't eat, couldn't drink. He was constantly thirsty, but just couldn't drink water out of any container or sink. He wanted to go outside, which he never did; we think he wanted to go out and find a place to rest and just die peacefully. My folks did the right thing, took him to the vet, and had him put to sleep while in my mom's arms.

Benny was almost 18 years old; that's a long time for a cat, and the bonds that grew during that time were strong. I of course feel bad and shed a few tears. But the people hurting most right now are my dad, brother and mom, in that order. They had the longest and closest connection, and to them this is like losing a child or sibling.

After a lot of discussion, Benny will be cremated on Thursday. My parents picked out an urn; considering they move so much I was glad to see they chose something that could be mobile with them. I couldn't picture them burying him and then leaving him someday. It would have been a nightmare.

So rest in peace, little Ben. Thank you for the wonderful times you have given our family, and especially the comfort and happiness you gave our mom. You will definitely be missed.

Stereotyping

Last night Kris Allen won American Idol. I don't find stuff like this too noteworthy for my blog, but I've been fascinated with the media coverage. I haven't gotten too into this season; it's more background noise, really. But this idea that the voting between the final two will be "red states vs. blue states" or "gays vs. Christians" is nuts. I think it's horribly insulting, quite frankly. Maybe some people think that way, but I certainly don't. To say Kris won because of the Christian vote is just as insulting as saying Adam should have won because he was gay. Who cares? This is a reality show, people. Neither one of these guys is going to have an impact on our world. In a country where we are suppose to be treating people as equals, why does the media always break things down against races, religions, etc?

I've spent a good portion of my last two weeks logging resumes - almost 200 of them for a few positions we are hiring for. We are an equal opportunity employer, so we have to track each person who sends us a resume, the position they are applying for, and the ad they are responding to. Ok, that's fine. What I take offense at is I then have to categorize them by sex and race. Luckily there's Facebook, so it's easy to figure that stuff out when the name makes it a little more difficult. But how is this process making things equal? On a personal level I don't think about people that way, but this stupid process forces me to. I hate it. I think it's ridiculous and does the opposite of what it is supposed to do. It goes against what I was taught and brought up to believe.

You know why Kris won? Because more people thought he would make a better recording artist, and I think they are right. Adam belongs on Broadway; albums are not his thing. I did like Kris more, because I tend to support those who have varied musical talent (the guy can sing and play several instruments) vs. going for the guy who can put on a fantastic stage show. But to say that I'm against gays because I supported Kris is ridiculous. I have gay friends; I'm certainly not against them. And I don't go to church, so I'm certain not the "religious right." And to say the majority of people who voted for him are homophobes is shortsighted and wrong. Again, I'm sure that happened to some extent because there will always be sexists and racists out there, but I'm guessing the impact was minimal. Kris won because he connected with American Idol's core audience. And you know what? In the end Kris will get his album, Adam will get his and probably a lead on Broadway. Both have the opportunity to have successful careers. This show isn't about winning anymore like it was back in season one. If you get into the top 12 and have a good enough agent and high likability, you're almost guaranteed a year-long contract giving you time to prove yourself.

To say this showdown and the end result shows how "backwoods" the American voters are is just wrong. And anyone who does say that sounds like they are the ones with the stereotyping issue, not me. If we want everyone to be equal in this country, we need to stop thinking that equality means someone should get something just because they fit into a certain "minority" class. As a female, it's insulting and degrading. I want to have success in my life because I've earned it, not because it was handed to me because I'm a girl.

I'm stepping off my soapbox now. We'll see what happens from here.

Star Trek - 2009 Movie

So Brad, my dad and I saw Star Trek at the Strongsville Cinemark today. And...I enjoyed it. For a two hour film it seemed to fly by, and it left me wanting more. I thought it was pretty genius how they changed the storyline in order to give them more creative freedom with future movies, which there definitely will be. I thought the casting was brilliant, and I can't wait to see how this new timeline unfolds. I loved how pics from the film were released to lead us a particular direction that never occurred; another genius move. JJ Abrams did a fantastic job, and as long as he's leading this effort I will continue to be a supporter. I also enjoyed the quick cameos of people from some of his tv shows; he certainly seems loyal in that aspect to those lesser-known actors that he's worked with before.

With my dad on one side and the husband on the other, it was extremely cool. My dad would occasionally lean over and make excited comments about a certain character, especially those involved in the original series who did cameos or sometimes just were quick glimpses in the background. The acting was great; I cared about these characters, and they stayed true to who they are. Special effects were amazing...really, just a great movie. I can't wait for the next one, and hope that we're close enough to the family to be able to once again share the experience with Dad. And if we're really lucky, if we can get my brother that would fill in what was really the only "missing link" for me.

33's not too bad...so far

I've been through a range of emotions on the days leading up to my birthday. I think it was a solid combination of pain, a reaction to Melatonin I had taken a few nights in a row because I was having trouble sleeping, and the fact we're dealing with some serious personnel issues at work that I felt the Board was not going to handle appropriately. And if you know me, I have a hard time accepting things if I feel people are getting away with something that they should not be. I would have lost a lot of respect for the Board if they had chosen the path they originally wanted to follow, but calmer heads have prevailed and they are now going to go in the direction I recommended. The solution is not an easy one, but people made their own bed and now they have to lay in it. I have nothing to feel guilty about if in the end they lose their job(s).

Friday was actually a really good day considering the circumstances. A former President of the company who still works here part time was back from Florida, saw it was my birthday and invited the accounting department out for lunch. We were minus one person, but went anyway. It was part birthday celebration, part thank you for the little things we do for him while he's away in Florida for three months. He insisted on having wine, I had a great grilled chicken sandwich and then we all had dessert. I was absolutely stuffed, but if my day had ended there it would have been a good one.

Brad sent flowers and a bear; my parents sent carnations that looked like a big cupcake. It was really cool. My brother called me at 5pm to wish my a happy birthday in between his school obligations. I got a flood of emails and Facebook birthday greetings. Went home, picked up some Chinese food and met up with Brad, who had taken the afternoon off to work on a big paper due for his class the next day. We ate and talked; we had hardly seen each other all week, so it was nice to catch up. He gave me a birthday card, which ironically he had given me before. He even mentioned it before I saw it, and yes, it was definitely familiar. What was even more funny is the message he wrote was almost the same as he wrote in the other one. He's definitely consistent, which is a good thing in this case! I helped him hand write notes for a role-play session he had the following day, and then I headed upstairs so I would be out of his way so he could work. To my surprise the neighbors across the street then stopped by with a homemade birthday cake. Considering they didn't start speaking to us again until about a month ago after a 1-1/2 year silence (completely their issue...the one guy resigned from the homeowners Board and developed a jerky, isolated attitude towards everyone), it was a nice gesture. Unfortunately I was too stuffed for cake, so I went upstairs, watched some TV and fell asleep.

Brad came to bed late, and when I opened my eyes a little later I saw 12:17am on our clock. I have this weird thing about time; I can think of a time I want to wake up and literally wake up at that time using nothing but my brain. Honestly, no lie. So the significance of 12:17am on Saturday, May 16 is that was when I was technically born - Eastern Time. I was born 9:17pm in San Diego, California. So...when I awoke I had finally and officially turned 33. I didn't turn into a pumpkin, my life didn't implode. I was in horrible pain, could barely move, but was so exhausted due to some great pain meds that I just went right back to sleep. Welcome to 33.

On Saturday Brad left for class early. I got ready and met the parents at Olive Garden for a light lunch. We went back to there house where I got a few birthday gifts, one in particular which was awesome - a book about Abraham Lincoln and the people in his life, focusing on the day of the assassination and after. I had never seen it before, and I can't remember the name at the moment. The photographs are amazing; I did a quick glance-through and saw some I had never seen before in my collection. I'm excited to read it, and it's even more special because my dad picked it out for me. Let's face it, mother's usually do the shopping, so when my father selects a gift it gives it more meaning. Plus he and I share a love of history, so it was an appropriate gift.

Brad was still in class so to kill time we then did a couple rounds of bowling. I can't play in my old form due to whatever mystery illness I'm suffering from, but I can bowl over 100 so it's not horrible. I'm adapting, and I think it's fun. We even got my mom to play, who surprisingly ended up on the bottom of the scoreboard each time; my dad of course was at the top, but he has been bowling almost his whole life so we're at a bit of a disadvantage.

We then drove 45 minutes north to Cheesecake Factory. I haven't been there in years for a meal (we have picked up dessert to go on a few occasions), and thought it would be a fun atmosphere. Brad met up with us shortly after we got our table, and we had a relaxing, fun, good meal. We of course had dessert, so I decided to with something a little different; their 30th anniversary dessert. A few years off, but I felt it was appropriate. I also had to take a phone pic of my parents, since they are the reason I am here today. They, like myself, hate photos, so it was nice of them to comply with my request to smile for the camera.

So that was my birthday. Now when I'm a few years older and I can't remember, I have this blog to go back to. Brad told me the day before my birthday that we - the two of us - would officially celebrate the following weekend, so the pressure is now on him to deliver. I'm a simple girl; just take me somewhere that is not Cleveland or Akron for a day and I'm happy. There are too many things to see out there in this world, and I love nothing more than exploring. And exploring is always best when you have your best friend by your side. Time will tell what next weekend will bring.

Coming of Age

I once read that if you're a "Hobbit", you come of age at 33. Well, today is that day for me.

I usually don't think much of birthdays, but this year has hit me a bit hard. Four years and four days ago I received an artificial disc, and every year since then, for every birthday, I've always thought "By this time next year things will be better."

But you know what...no more wishing. It looks unlikely to happen, and I have to deal with what I have. I have to reassess what I want out of my life, and how I'm still going to be able to accomplish a dream or two despite my physical/health condition.

I had a great start in life, and seemed ahead of the game with school, work, life in general. But I've stalled the last few years - basically since moving to Ohio - and in some ways have gone backwards. The pain has taken away a lot of my fight, but I need to get it back. I have to, end of story.

So today as I "come of age," it starts a serious conversation in my brain of where I want to go in life. I can't rely on old dreams, I need to create new ones. I need to try and regain a little of what I've lost of myself that I'd like to get back.

In terms of my day, it's probably my least exciting birthday ever. Working all day; co-worker asked for the day off, and I wasn't going to deny my staff a day off just so I could take off for selfish reasons. What would I do today, anyway? I suppose travel somewhere, as I have no qualms about traveling on my own. Brad is focused on his intensive week long class, so no dinner tonight with him except maybe some fast food at home in between his studying. The parents wanted to meet with me downtown for dinner, but didn't feel right doing it without the husband. So basically your standard day. Maybe this is another part of the "coming of age" thing, but I'd hate to think that it means an end to anything fun. Someone please tell me that's not what it means, because if that's the case then the rule must be broken.

It's kind of like my 21st birthday. I woke up in Lafayette, Indiana at a Red Roof Inn, met with a guy selling calling cards for breakfast at Denny's, then sat in a company/regional meeting all day. Pizza Hut for lunch, where I was toasted with Pepsi beverages. I drove home in the dark and spoke with my family and friends on the car phone on the way back home to Grand Rapids. Instead of going straight home I went to work, where I spent time talking with the owner about operations stuff. Got home about 11:45pm, opened my cards and a gift from the folks, and went to bed. Pretty pathetic, but I will say the following weekend I basically went on the "21st birthday tour". Managed to drive to different cities in three different states for my work responsibilities but met up with people I knew along the way and celebrated every night until dawn. Good times.

So as for my 32nd year? How will it be recorded in my memory, and on this blog?

Career - Very satisfying; found those traits I was forced to lose at my other job and found I still "had it." Finally felt I had reached a little bit above where I was when I was 27 and left my job in Minnesota.

Marriage - Considering everything, I think still strong. Today also marks the day Brad proposed eight years ago. I occasionally (jokingly) chide him for proposing on my birthday, since if things don't work out my birthday will forever be scarred. But so far, so good. I learned in a communications class once that by now we should have had many thoughts of leaving each other or possibly throwing the other one out a moving car, but I can say on my side I've never once thought that. I have a great partner in life.

Health - The never ending battle. Had a successful surgery, which considering the fact that it had a very high possibility to leave me bleeding out on the table and dead (it really was a very dangerous surgery, and I was warned many times in advance) I'm happy to still be here. I have a great spine, but still need to figure out why my body continues to attack itself. I thought in my younger years I treated it quite well; it would be nice if it would "work with me" once in awhile.

Personal - Largely due to my health and a somewhat depressive state it caused, age 32 was a time where I found myself really separating myself out and limiting communication. To communicate you need stuff to share, and I just didn't much to share. I'm still trying to get myself to "snap out of it." I miss my family & friends, and really need and want to spend more time with them this year.

Travel - It might be weird to make this its own category, but it's one of the things that makes me most happy. I got to do a little traveling, but no true, real, relaxing getaways. We spent a lot of time in Maryland because of the surgery, but it wasn't true travel. Did drive through Delaware and a small part of New Jersey, so was able to add two new states to the list that I've now been in. Saw Philadelphia briefly, but more importantly walked through Independence Hall. Drove through Chicago many times but never had a chance to stop. Drove to Iowa and back (and repeated a week later) so my Grandma Grimm could be here for my mom's birthday. Drove and flew to Iowa to see Brad's mom many times, though the last time was for her funeral. Did a few day trips to Pittsburgh, and went to Wheeling, WV to a casino one afternoon just to kill some time. Also managed to to go to Athens, OH and see where my brother was living/going to school. Traveled to Put-In-Bay again. So, that all being said, maybe I did out more than what I thought. However, I think the key word at the beginning was "relaxing", and unfortunately most of the traveling was done with limited time. This upcoming year I'd really like a trip to someplace warm where I just "be" all day.

I'm not quite done with being 32 yet. Today might be my birthDAY, but I was born at 9:17pm Pacific Time. Since I'm in the Eastern time zone, it technically means I won't turn 33 until 12:17am tomorrow morning. So if you don't mind, I think I'll get to work and try to make the most of my remaining hours before I officially "come of age." Bye-bye, 32. There goes yet another year.

P.S. This little guy is courtesy of the husband for my birthday. He'll go right next to my little Chicago Bears cub on my desk.

Lazy Day

I usually work pretty hard when I'm in the office, but occasionally I have a day where I just don't want to work. My body is here, but my mind isn't. Today is one of those days.

It's been a rough few weeks at work. Actually, it's the first time since I started in December 2007 that I've been a little frustrated with some of the higher-ups. It's not a bad thing, because once Brad gets his MBA in December we want to explore leaving the area. It would certainly make it easier to leave if I no longer have in my head what a perfect company it is. It's not as bad as the other places I've worked at here in Ohio - not even close - but it is no longer perfect.

So today I've been here almost four hours and accomplished almost nothing. A few things, but mostly chatted with friends online and talked with some folks here. I am completely unmotivated today. And yes, one could say that I'm wasting company money, but the truth is that I've put in more than 40 hours already this week, I don't get paid for my OT, and I have done what I need to. I put in a ton more hours than I've gotten paid for, and today I just don't feel like putting in an effort.

Where is my head? I don't know, anywhere but here. Want to escape somewhere, don't know where. Even if I went I'd be in pain so would likely not have much fun. Unless I just kept drinking, and if I surrounded myself with entertaining people. That could make me forget about the pain and probably be fun until I feel asleep and woke up the next day with a hangover.

Silly to say, but the goofing off and dreaming about places that aren't here have actually put me in a slightly better mood. I think I'm going to go off and try to be a productive adult this afternoon.

Star Trek

Yes, I'm a geeky girl who loves Star Trek, so I'm excited about the new film that I've heard is amazing (at least from my friend Moe, whose judgment I trust).

The reason I love Star Trek is because of my dad. We would sit and watch the original tv show reruns together every weekend around our small, brown, tv in our living room. It was all so campy, but as a four/five year old the colors, stories and creatures captivated my attention. When the movies came out, I always saw them with my dad. My mom wasn't into the series, so originally it was just the two of us. I remember going to a four-plex theater in Rockford, Illinois. We'd get there early, and sit at the top row, center. At that time there were no commercials and advertisements like there are now; it was just a "star field" of various colored lights on the screen, all moving to create very entrancing figures. My dad and I would sit there, eating popcorn and basically making up our own "movie" to the colors on the screen. "Oh no, watch out! The alien is behind you!" Stuff like that. We used our imaginations to kill time until people started filling the seats and the movie started.

I received the "Star Trek" magazine for a few years, which we learned of its existence while stopping at Wall Drug in South Dakota during our move to Wenatchee, Washington from Sterling, Illinois. Later when we moved to Austin, Texas, we attending a very small Trek convention. For the record, we did not dress up as cast. We loved the series, but not that much. In the 80's and early 90's, we had every movie on a VCR tape, which we watched often. It was an important bonding experience for us.

When Star Trek Next Generation started we were both against watching the show. It seemed hard to imagine it would have the same "integrity" of the first show, but for me it turned out to be even better. We finally saw an episode and were hooked; I credit the Borg storyline for our interest. Now my younger brother joined in the bonding. As the movies kept coming out it was now the three of us. I think I have seen almost all Star Trek movies except maybe the first and last ones with my dad. As I grew older and lived in places away from wherever my parents were at the time, Brad became my companion for the Trek shows and films.

I watched Deep Space Nine, but was never a regular viewer. It took reruns to get me to watch Voyager, which was a lot more interesting than I thought it would be. When Enterprise started it was always taped on TIVO, though the series never did meet expectations.

The last few "Trek" series movies were not top on my list. And while I've spent months wondering if this newest film would be able to entice me enough to watch, I've come to the conclusion that it's a must. I'm not sure how...I have to work on Saturday, Brad has class and I doubt my mom would be happy to go see it together on Mother's Day. But maybe, just maybe, I can get at least my dad and Brad together to see the film this weekend. I just can't imagine not seeing it with the two important men in my life. I won't always be 10 minutes down the road from my folks, so I want to make the most of it while I still can.

How will I judge the movie? I want to be able to recognize little things about the original characters in this newer, younger cast. Scotty & McCoy were my favorites, so those actors better do those characters justice. I don't want over dramatization or the "campy" style of the 60's show, but I want lots of action and I want to be sucked in and entertained for the time I'm there. I want to feel like I'm back in that movie theater in Rockford with my dad on one side, and now my husband on the other, enjoying the cultural phenomenon of the late 20th century called "Star Trek." Just more updated, visually appealing, and with an amazing storyline that the last few movies have been lacking. And if I can somehow skip all of the commercial/ad garbage beforehand, even better.

That being said, I think this is an appropriate way to end this blog:

Five Month Follow-Up

I am really trying not to post health-related stuff on this blog, but if you are someone who is only aware of this blog and are trying to finding out how things went yesterday, you can go to www.failedadr.blogspot.com.

I drove 800 miles yesterday to Baltimore & back. It's amazing how you're driving through three connected states, yet I feel like I went through about four different countries. The landscape, people and culture change so much along the way that I find it fascinating. Once I got north of Baltimore I started to get that "we belong here" feeling. It's something I've felt for awhile. Not necessarily Baltimore alone, but the whole D.C. and surrounding region. I've lived in nine states, which included ones out West, in the South and the Midwest. The D.C. region basically takes my favorite things from each of the states and combines it all together to one dream area, at least for me. While I would have liked to have made it a four day weekend there with the husband, he starts he one-week intensive MBA class (second to the last one) tomorrow, and it is hard to really enjoy D.C. when you're health isn't the best. I would have enjoyed it, but not as much than if I didn't have the leg pain to contend with.

We're pretty open this summer other than work, so we're hoping to take a few trips to the D.C. area, visit family and start to investigate some of the areas. We want to have a better feel for the different regions so we can make a decision where to focus our efforts on where we'd like to work and live. Brad will have the MBA in hand, so I'm letting him take the lead this time. As for me, I want to be near a Metro station and would love a job in D.C. I think I would be in heaven if we could make that happen. It's a good motivational tool for me.

I took some pics along my trip, but mostly in PA and I'm not sure how good they are as the weather was pretty overcast. The drive home was prettier as there was a lot of light fog, but then you lost the detail on the PA hills. I'll see if there are any good ones to post later.

Arrested Development does not Equal Sit Down, Shut Up

A few years ago FOX canceled my favorite show "Arrested Development" (AD). Last Sunday FOX premiered "Sit Down, Shut Up" (SDSU), a new animated comedy by Mitch Hurwitz who also created AD.

Three of the AD cast do voice work for three characters - Jason Bateman, Will Arnett and Henry Winkler. And after watching the new animated show, it did nothing but bring back the anger and frustration over the AD cancellation since the new show is pretty lame. I wanted to like it, but I didn't. I know pilot episodes are rough and often unlikeable so I will give it a second chance, but if it sucks just as much I don't believe I'll be allocating any of my time to the show.

In an effort to get people to watch the show, FOX has now created a long online promo basically saying they messed up, canceled a great show, but now as an apology they are offering SDSU so us AD fans should therefore watch and we'll all be happy again.

Sorry FOX, doesn't quite work that way. I'll see the AD movie when it comes out as many times as I can, will buy the DVD and even a Franklin puppet if they come out with one, but I'm not going to watch a 30-minute show that seems disjointed, with confusing characters and no real plot.

Smart Business Network

I looked in my mail today and found a delightful invitation to a President's Forum from the Smart Business Network. Because they think I'm a successful CEO (not my title, but oh well), I can attend this event for $195, where I will get to mingle with others and talk about how successful and smart we are. For an entire day.

I like the naming of the company, because they certainly are "smart" since I know there are actual people who will cut the check and attend this thing. Smart business for the company selling this, but not so much for me. Even if I was able to pretend to be a CEO for the day.

TV Favorites

My last few posts have not been on the most happy of topics, so I thought I would share something more lighthearted today. My top television shows, at least as of now. What can I say, tastes change!

• "The Office." I will never, ever get sick of this show. Now with the Michael Scott Paper Company in business, I'm more drawn to it than ever. I love how the characters have evolved, though I'm still wondering why Jim hasn't evolved more than the rest. They've hinted at some stuff with him in the past, but aren't taking it anywhere. We all know that Pam's his girl, but what does he want in life besides her and some kids? And am I the only one secretly rooting for Andy to figure out that he's gay and hook up with Oscar? Is there a more perfect odd-couple match than that?
  
• "Arrested Development." No new episodes, but there will finally be a movie next year. I watched the show from day one, and now that it's on cable five days a week I still religiously watch. It amazes me how I still find something new each time I watch, even though I've seen each episode a minimum of ten times. The details and consistency in that show surpasses anything ever put on TV. That show is absolutely brilliant, and I cannot wait for the movie. Just like when "The Simpson's Movie" came out, I will have tickets for opening day and will be taking everyone I can with me. Leading up to opening day, I will also do my "top five episodes" blogs, just like with "The Simpson's." What can I say, they deserve the blog space.
  
• "The Deadliest Catch." I'm not a fish person, mostly because it gives me a stomachache and most of them I find gross. While it took me awhile to get into this show, it's now something I'm excited about, and season five kicks off this week. I find it intriguing how people put their lives on the line and suffer through some of the harshest conditions on our planet, just to catch crab for people to eat. It would be one thing if crab was the only thing on the planet to sustain us humans, but it's not. I've seen enough episodes now where I'm invested in the crew, and care about their plight and their success. I'm definitely "on board" with the show.
• "The Soup." Though it's origins started way back on the E! channel as "Talk Soup", definitely refrain from calling it that. Joel McHale absolutely makes my Friday evenings; he's intelligent yet hilariously funny. I think he is a genius, and I keep waiting for him to break out into a leading TV or movie role (which may happen soon if his NBC pilot picks up). Did I mention that Brad and I have tickets to see him in June doing his stand-up thing? I've read great reviews, plus have heard that he stays and signs autographs/takes pictures with everyone who wants one. Funny, good looking, and cares about the fans - how could I not love his show?
• "SuperNanny." Oh Jo, how do you have the patience to deal with such dysfunctional and often obnoxious and clueless families? The children on this show are jaw-dropping loons, and definitely make me happy that it's just Brad and I and no little one(s) around. Sure, the parents on the show are the ones that have caused their kids to have issues, and I think we'd do a much better job raising a kid, but it's definitely entertaining to watch when they are not your own or related to you in any way. Plus what is it about the British that makes them more entertaining to watch? We don't watch often, but sometimes on a weekend evening when we're not out and there's nothing else on it can kill time.
  
• "Dancing with the Stars." I never in a million years thought I would watch this show, as the demographic appeared to be more 50 and older. But when I saw some of the cast - Steve Wozniak, Steve-O, Dennis Richards (I can't stand her but wanted to see her fail miserably), I just had to tune in. And now it's my weekly Monday night staple. Brad has class, so it works out for him, too...I can just show him any cool parts when he comes in the door at 9:30pm and leave it at that. If I have one complaint, it's the dreadful singing on that show. Honestly, it's horrible, and often makes me turn the sound down or at times even fast-forward.
  
• "Millionaire Matchmaker." When I first saw this show I was at home alone (Brad was in Iowa) and not feeling the best; it was during my surgical recovery. They had back-to-back shows from the first season, so it was literally an afternoon/evening marathon. As I laid on the couch in misery, I kept thinking to myself "What horrible, dreadful people." But guess what - I couldn't change the channel. I guess it's the old "Can't help but watch the train wreck" thing, plus I was not in good shape and the thought of finding something else to watch seemed too much work. The people are still horrible and dreadful, but it's entertaining and it is set in L.A. The "matchmaker" has some good points, but usually the stuff out of her mouth is pretty old fashioned, sexist, short-sighted and petty, but it makes for good TV. Definitely my "guilty pleasure" show.
  

There are also a few shows that I want to get back into, but am finding it difficult. They have moments of brilliance, but take a long time to get where they are going.

• "House." Last week's episode with Kutner's suicide made me tune in, but I'm still having a hard time getting back into the show. It's never been the same since the original three support staff moved into different positions, and now that they killed off the only new character I liked...I just don't know if I can watch. I tape the show, but usually just end up deleting.
• "Lost." I watched loyally for three years, but felt things were going nowhere and gave up last year. I caught one episode this year that I found intriguing, but currently have three on my TIVO that I can't bring myself to watch. I've come to the conclusion the only episode I'll end up watching is the finale, as I am very interested in what the heck this whole thing was about.
  
• "Chuck." I like the show, but find it hard to stay engaged. I've missed so many episodes that I'm a bit lost. While I like the characters, I just find that it doesn't keep my attention. I want to be into it, but it's falling short for me.

Again, just something mindless for today. I've had a few rough days physically for some unknown reason, and it's something to help get my mind off my misery.

Tax Day

I just got my official notification that my federal and state tax submissions have been accepted. Yes, it's that time of year, and today is the big tax deadline day.

I don't think most people really think about taxes. Given that it's deducted from our check, I don't think we stop and really think about how much that is and where it's going. I've heard people say that maybe we'd care more if we had to actually write a check to the government each month...dollars look different when you write out a check vs. just seeing them on a paycheck stub. And it's not just your paycheck - almost everything you purchase is taxed. Sometimes it's hidden (e.g. gas prices) and other times it's not. But if you stopped and added up what you pay in a year, I think we would all be a bit shocked.

Am I against taxes? No, of course not. They can, and do, serve a purpose. I do have an issue this year, though. I see our government spending way beyond it's means; more than I ever thought I'd see in my lifetime. You can't tell me that the only people footing the bill are those making over $250k, because they aren't. Take a look at the tax tables for 2009. Sure, they've slightly changed the tax brackets, but not by much. And while one of the new bills passed this year initiated the payroll company taking less out of my paycheck, in my bracket for 2009 I'm not only to pay the same percent as last year but also an additional $400 on top of that. So why is the government taking less out of my check each pay period? If I didn't realize it - and most people don't - I would just assume it's some sort of tax break. In reality, they are collecting less and when next year rolls around I'll owe them more. Instead of a refund like this year, I'll probably be sending them a check. It's a mental game.

Everyone is having to tighten their budgets, watch their spending...but not our governments. They don't care. Though they have modest salaries, do you wonder why so many of them live in expensive homes, have private jets, etc? Why did so many people up for positions in the new government had issues with paying their taxes? Because they feel they are better than us, above us, and above the law. They write the laws and the loopholes. They know they can do whatever they want, because everything they do is so complex and convoluted that no one can understand most of what they pass. The tax system might as well be written in Greek; you think that is not on purpose? Go online and read the laws that Congress passes; do you understand them? Does anyone talk like that, or write like that in a normal business? Of course not; they make it complex and lengthy so no one knows what is really going on. It's all one big game, and the citizens are the suckers. That includes me, because I have not done anything than voting (and venting on my blog), and that's not going to change things.

The government will never hurt the people that put them in office. I'm not talking about those who voted for them, I'm talking about the ones with the money who supported their campaign, got them face-time and practically purchased their seats. You think we're going to see Hollywood stars in modest $200k homes any time soon? You think the CEOs of large firms are going to start driving Kia's to work because they are now paying their "fair share" in taxes? What is a "fair share" anyway? Why are we so obsessed with making everyone "equal" when it comes to money? Read the Declaration of Independence; we are equal in that we all deserve the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. There is a reason nothing else is listed besides those three things. It's because no one is born equal. That's life. We all have our challenges, obstacles, and gifts. I have struggled with poor health most of my life, but I am darn lucky when it comes to my career, family and friends. Yes, people should have a roof over their heads and food to eat, but I do not think we need to be equal in those aspects. Not everyone should have a $300k home; everyone does not deserve the right to eat out at Morton's once a month. If we do, then I'm going to start taking a bat to people, since if we're going to be equal in wealth then I think we should be equal in health, too. No, I would never do that, but I'm trying to prove a point here. Usually when we are poor in one area we are rich in another; it's usually a matter of one's attitude and perspective.

Though it hasn't been discussed much in the media, people are expected to gather in various cities today for a "tea party." It just so happens that one should be taking place a block from where I work from 4-6pm. While I do not have any intention of "protesting", I may just stop by to check it out. If it's nothing but a conservative rally, forget it. If it's still raining like it is now, then I definitely won't be going. But if the sky clears and it appears to be a gathering of citizens from all walks of life getting together to try and send a message to our representatives that we are unhappy with their choices regarding taxing and spending, I just might stay.

I saw an interesting opinion piece by Penn Jillette (of Penn & Teller) a few weeks ago; I think he sums up the situation pretty well. I never thought I would say that about a magician, but here I am supporting his message. I'm not thinking about what's best for me here; I want what is best for my country. I want what is best for my family, friends, and former/current co-workers, most of whom are struggling right now. There is this opinion by most that we need to spend in order to "save ourselves". I'm sorry, but I'm terrified that the only thing this spending will do is burden all generations to the point where there will be no fix. We'll all be stuck with a massive debt on our hands, yet none of us will know exactly where all of that money went to since it certainly will not be in our pockets. The government keeps talking about helping the "middle class", but I'm not seeing it. To me, this is nothing but a big scam; it just won't be exposed for what it is until it's too late.

I'm sorry for my rant, but the situation weighs on my mind. It doesn't help that I see AIG's new digs on our office floor, with their cherry wood doors, top of the line furniture & equipment, etc. To me it's a constant reminder of how messed up things truly are.