Carolyn Fairfield - March 20, 2009

I know many of you - especially my family and friends - follow this blog and have been following the progress with Brad's mom Carolyn, so I felt it important to post it here that she passed away around 12:30am this morning. Brad was by her side when it happened, but unfortunately was the only one there with her at the time. On the plus side, he was there for his mom and I know that was very important for him to have her not be alone. His brother is back in Iowa from Japan, and his sister and her children are driving up from Dallas on Friday/Saturday. I'm flying into to Omaha in the evening; that was my original plan, and Brad did not feel a need to change it at this time. We'll know by the end of the day in regards to when the visitation and funeral will be.

Carolyn was an absolutely amazing woman who touched an unbelievable amount of lives during her stay here on Earth. I do not think there was a single person she met who wasn't influenced positively by her in some way. She was incredibly intelligent; her memory, almost up to her final days, was impeccable. She had a great appreciation and interest in people, and had an interest in each of their stories. She saw the good in people, and did her part to better her community and provide support to the organizations within it. Carolyn truly cared about each individual she met, and was the first to lend support. She looked out for others, and was always lending a hand to those who were down on their luck or in need. She was a faithful Methodist, and never feared death even though she faced it for over two years. Carolyn had a great love for her husband, children and grandchildren, and of course for her siblings and other family members. And though she faced difficult health problems for many years, she still faced life with a great sense of humor, grace, and an unbelievable amount of strength and resolve.

Carolyn welcomed me with open arms into the family back in 2002; I, on a personal note, feel so blessed for the time I got to spend with her. I am grateful that I had an opportunity to get to know her. I am thankful for the stories and family history she shared. I will never forget her intelligence, caring and wit, especially because I see those traits shine clearly in her son - my husband, Brad - every day. Though she is no longer with us here, she definitely will live on in her children and grandchildren.

I don't usually go around speaking for Brad, but I know that he is unbelievably grateful for all of the prayers and support you have offered for his mom, for him and his family. These situations are never easy, but I know that it meant - and means - a lot to him to have that kind of love and support surrounding him. We know that Carolyn is in a better place, and certainly left behind a world that was better off for her being in it. We are grateful that she is finally at peace, though we will miss her so.

March

I'm still not ready to post on here regularly; posting on my Failed ADR blog instead. While it was meant to keep everyone up-to-date on my progress before and after back surgeries #3 & 4, it has also now become a place for update's on Brad's mom, who is on her final days. As one can imagine, we have been living our lives day-by-day since about October. It's been weird, because there can be no such thing as "planning"; everything we do is decided at the moment based on what is going on around us at that particular time. While things should be settling down within the next month, for now I just don't have the time or mentally to post on this blog. I've posted enough on here about my health issues, and while it's been a huge part of my life I just want to keep it as separate as possible from here on out. There are lots of other things on the horizon, and when the time is right I'll find my way back here. So for now, if you're wondering how things are going, my other site or Facebook page is the place to be.

Waiting

Just a brief check-in, as I'm still more on my Failed ADR blog these days. Had the IVC filter removed in Maryland this past Friday, and am seeing very small changes in pain levels. Not drastic ones, just small ones. A week ago I was in agonizing pain that drove me insane, and now while I'm still in a lot of pain I am still somewhat able to work through it. Most of my energy is unfortunately going into my job; have to pay the bills. If I had my choice I'd still be working from home, probably PT as it is really difficult to stay focused for 10 hours and be in a car for almost 2 hours each day. By the time I get home I'm useless, and only do what I absolutely need to do.

If this whole health experience these last three years has indeed been caused by a reaction to nickel, I can't expect results overnight. From what I've read, it will likely take a month or so to really see a real change. What has been most affected is my blood make-up; my platelet count bottomed out, and my body's defense system - the anti-nuclear antibodies (ANAs) - took over everything and just attacked, attacked, attacked. It will take time for the ANAs to dwindle in numbers; my platelets won't survive while my ANA number is still so high. Both of these factors cause inflammation, hence the pain I'm experiencing. If after a month there is still no change, then I'm back to trying to figure out what the cause is. It's one thing to have pain, but another thing to have such odd blood occurrences taking place. Doctors may have disputed how much pain I've been in because I continue to work and be successful in my job, but I can't make up the results of my blood work. Something is going on.

It's just an odd time overall. I think at this point Brad and I are both almost taking things day by day, unsure of what the next day will bring. That's all we can really do at this point!

Reason Why Cleveland Clinic Sucks #47

Back in early November (of 2008) I requested a prescription refill online through the Cleveland Clinic. I had been taking this one drug to help me sleep at night, and while I had every intention of going off of it once I had my surgery, I was going to be a few days short and requested just a few pills (5 to 10) to get me by.

Now the Cleveland Clinic has an online system, so I used it. I figured it was easier than trying to call, spend time on hold and then end up being sent to some phone/key-entry prescription refill thing. I've been down that road and it can waste up to 30 minutes of your life just trying to refill a single prescription. So I did the online thing, and in true Cleveland Clinic fashion I ended up with absolutely no response.

So today I'm looking online at my drug store account, as I'm waiting for a prescription to come through in regards to my back surgery/leg pain. This one is not from Cleveland Clinic, which means I don't have to stress about it as much. But, to my complete surprise, there is my refill for the medication I requested back in November. Turns out it was filled on Thursday, January 22.

Let's see, by my math that means it took them over two months to call in the refill. Wow. Amazing work, Cleveland Clinic. Just one more reason you suck, and one more reason I refuse to go to you ever again. Also, if you think I'm paying for that prescription you're nuts - no thanks! Even if the darn thing is $4....

Thoughts on the Day

I was at my desk working when the inauguration took place, so I did two things when I had the chance.

1. Watched a video of the swearing in ceremony; I was very happy to see a close-up of the bible Lincoln was sworn in on, because I've been obsessed with him as long as I can remember and really wanted to see it. I would die if I had a chance to touch it like the Obama's did!

2. Read President Obama's speech. I find that it's better to read speeches than to watch them be read, because I like to take the theatrics out of it. So I read it...and was actually underwhelmed. It was kind of weak. Who knows, maybe I set the bar too high, but I was looking for something inspiring, and instead found more rhetoric about how we need to all come together. That's fine, let's all come together, but for what? I've been hearing this for over a year now, isn't time for something else? Again, maybe I'm being picky, but I just thought that considering all of the hype, it was a bit of a let down. I'm sure if I heard it read maybe I would think differently, but again...I'm more interested in the actual words than the performance.

I will say though, the picture of The Mall with all of those people was awesome. Quite frankly, every inauguration should be like this. It was nice to see people watching our government in action.

Another Day for the History Books

Though I had no intentions of blogging on this particular blog until I was feeling better, I couldn't help but write a little something on today - Tuesday, January 20, 2009. Today Mr. Obama will become President Obama, and our first African American president. I understand the symbolism and the importance, and for that it should be acknowledged no matter what your political affiliation is. Besides, I'm a sucker for our rights and liberties as an American, and nothing makes me prouder or more emotional than watching the leader of our government get sworn in. Yes, our system has some major flaws and is in need of real repair, but it's my country and I'm proud to be an American. My family generations before me fought hard and sacrificed to get to America, and I am so grateful for that.

Like most Americans, I'm ready for change. I was not sold on the change that either candidate was selling on the campaign, but then again I'm a skeptic when it comes to campaign promises and I'm sick of the two key parties. But I see my family and friends fearing for their jobs, and in some cases, losing them. I see a tanked economy, housing market, and the realization that dreams are going to be a lot harder to obtain now than they were ten years ago.

I don't want to go back and recreate the 90's, which everyone always seems to deem as this wonderful period of history. I want the citizens of this country to evolve beyond that, because to me the 90's were about money and greed, and quite frankly I think that's a key reason we are in the mess we're in. I want people to take responsibility for themselves, to help out their neighbors, and to contribute in a positive way to better our society. I've heard soon to be President Obama touting these values, and I hope he means them.

I have a lot of negative thoughts about our governmental leaders and where they've lead us and where they are trying to lead us. But today is a day where I just wanted to put it aside. I want today to feel like there is hope for this country, and I want to "take in" this moment in history.

Where I've Been

Sorry for my absence, but I've been putting all of my blogging energy into my other temp blog - www.failedadr.blogspot.com.

I think everyone who reads this knows about the other blog, but just realized I never made an official announcement here. I had my back surgery on Dec. 15, so I've been using that blog for updates. One of these days when I'm feeling closer to at least 70% I'll start blogging on this one again, but in the meantime I'm still on a break. All of my energies are going into my recovery and trying to keep up with my job remotely, which between the two are exhausting.

Falling Into Place

Thanks to the infection medication and my staying home for the last two days I am finally feeling almost "normal." I spoke with the Baltimore office today, filled them in on everything, and despite what I've been through in the last week we are set to go.

I have a lot to do in just four days, but it's probably best that I keep busy so I have little time to think about the surgery. I know that the first week is going to be the worst physical pain I've experienced, but I'm ready. I'm hopeful that removing the disc will help return me to a more normal life, and I look forward to the new chapter.

Another Road Block

It turns out I had a right to be concerned about the high dose of steroids I was put on over Thanksgiving. I'm now suffering from an infection caused by the steroids, and I'm in pretty bad shape. If I don't notice a large difference between today and tomorrow, I will have to cancel the surgery on the 15th. I know it sounds like I should have more time, but I also have the vascular procedure that was to happen on the 10th, and in my condition it could never happen. My face and neck is swollen and burning, my throat is pretty swollen, I ache all over and I have a fever; I definitely would not clear for any procedure at this point. I'm also down for the count at the moment, unable to work or do anything around the house, which means I can't even prepare to be leaving next week.

I attempted to go into work yesterday and only lasted an hour before I went back home. I was so ill that I had my mom drive me to the doctor, and to the pharmacy for another prescription that is to help only one of my main symptoms - my throat. While that has helped a little, I decided to stay at home today as well, as none of my other symptoms have improved.

The problem with such a high dose of steroids in a short amount of time is that it really messes your entire body up. Everything changes in your system, including your body's defenses. My problem with the metal reaction has been that my defenses have been too strong and attacking the once healthy parts of me. Now I have no defense and I'm now I'm left with this odd infection/reaction from the drugs and their end result. From my own knowledge, and from what I've heard from medical professionals I know on a personal level who unfortunately can't treat me, the hematologist never should have put me on that high of a dosage; he should have put me on a much lower dosage for a longer period of time. My first impression of the doctor was that he was all over the place and an idiot, and I guess I was right. I don't know if he was trying to play some game, but at this point it looks like he cost me my surgery in 2008. What breaks my heart is that he normally deals with cancer patients...and I can only imagine what hell he's made their lives.

I know that what's meant to happen will happen, so if the surgery is canceled so be it. There is nothing I can do at this point.

Less Than a Week

It just hit me that in exactly one week, Brad and I will be packing up the car and heading to Baltimore.

I went to the hematologist yesterday, and my platelet count was up from 13 (on 11/26) to 373. My red and white blood cell counts are messed up as well, so no wonder I feel so horrible. Though the doctor was quite scattered and didn't seem to listen to a word I said, his assistant is to be faxing over the "surgery clearance" letter today. Until I know the letter says what it needs to say I can't help but be worried, as the last thing I want is another canceled surgery date.

Though I haven't taken any steroids in 50-some hours, I'm still really struggling. I feel jumpy, yet I'm exhausted and just want to lie around and sleep. My throat is swollen and I can barely talk. My head hurts, but on a good note at least I haven't had the severe chest pains today that I had yesterday. I know that I needed to raise my platelet count, but I certainly do not feel better now than I did last Wednesday before this started. Go figure!

Let's Try This Again

It appears - at least for now - that the planets are aligned and I will be having back surgery #3 & 4 on Monday, December 15 in Baltimore.

I have approval from my boss to take off and everything is booked at the hospital. Now I just need to get past my hematologist appointment in an hour and a half and then all of the pieces will be in place. Well, at least most of the pieces, as the family and I need to work out travel schedules, hotels, etc.

The steroids I was taking this weekend to raise my platelet count have made me feel just awful, but I'm just hoping that it didn't do anything negative to my system. I still need the official clearance letter from the hematologist, but Brad was my witness on Wednesday and the doc said he would provide it. The good news is that I do not have to repeat my pre-op tests again, since they will be less than 30 days old. I know that doesn't seem like a big deal, but the thought of having to go to The Cleveland Clinic and give them more of my money and time made me a bit ill. I can't begin to explain how much I hate them and how miserable they have made my life.

Getting Closer!

I had two appointments with a hematologist this past week. I left the first visit feeling like I was being pulled back in time, as he wanted to run a whole series of tests to support his theory that I had an auto-immune disease, and not an implant reaction. I was down this road earlier in the year, and knew that this was not the case. Brad went with me to the second appointment, as I had a strong feeling that what I would be hearing would not be good news, but we were both surprised...as we ended up with what we considered the "best case scenario!"

After running a myriad of tests, the doc has come to the conclusion that my low platelet count is likely due to the implant reaction. I think he was a bit surprised. In fact, the only things that showed up as something to be concerned about support the implant reaction theory and are not consistent with anything else. He agreed with me that as long as I had the artificial disc in my platelets would be low, so it would make no sense to further postpone the surgery since the surgery is likely what I need to correct the issue. This being said, he is giving his approval for me to move forward with the surgery, with the suggestion that they have platelets on hand for a transfusion during the procedure.

The one slightly sticky point is that my platelet count tanked even more this past week. It was at 21, and as of Wednesday I was at 13. The 13 is unbelievably low, so I'm now on a heavy dosage of steroids to bring the count up. I'm taking 10 of these things a day for four days, and then will go into the doc on Monday to see what the platelet count is. I'm guessing that if it does help bring up the count, he may recommend I take them leading up to the surgery to keep the count higher. Though the count is very low (should normally be at least 150), the good news is that the platelets I do have seem to be very healthy, as I'm not exhibiting issues that most people with that low a count would be having.

On Monday I will be working with my Baltimore surgeon's office to reschedule the surgery, which I'm hoping can still be done in December. It's no longer the best time for me to do this work-wise, but I'm hoping I can still make it work. I'd really hate to have to wait until March to get this resolved (since with my job I have year-end close to do in January & February), especially since my pain levels continue to worsen by the week.

In the meantime, these last few days have been a bit odd, as the steroids are a bit difficult to stomach. I'm taking two Zantac twice a day to help neutralize the stomach pain the meds cause. In addition, the steroids have a tendency to usually make it harder to sleep, can cause headaches, and can also make you starving all the time. I'm not dealing with the starving part, but I have been hit with everything else. The good news is that I think I'm starting to get use to them, at least.

Thanksgiving day was a tough one, and I found myself lounging around my parents house most of the day feeling ill. Thursday evening I was really bad, but Friday was a bit better and today - though I was wide awake at 6am - I feel a little bit better still. I need to start re-preparing for my surgery once again, so I'm planning on taking some time today to work on that. On Sunday I'm hoping to meet up with my friend Moe in Cincinnati for lunch, as I haven't seen him in more than a year. Considering we're only 3-1/2 hours apart, we should see each other more, but with opposite schedules it makes it difficult. If I can manage to do the trip tomorrow, that should be a fun day.

Brand New Day

No, this is not a post about Sting's early-2000's hit song. I know they played that thing on the radio at least once an hour for a good year or so, but quite frankly I never was a fan of it.

While I woke up at 4am wondering if the past 24 hours had been a dream - or actually more of a nightmare - I found myself with a better and more positive outlook. It is a brand new day, after all.

Yesterday was one of the worst days of my life. And while on the surface I know it doesn't seem that bad, it was really a breaking point for me. Months and years of struggling and fighting, thinking that maybe my need to fight would be ending so soon, only to have it taken away from me. I have worked so hard to get to this point with my health and getting a resolution, knowing the toll it's taken on not only myself but my family...this was a blow to them as well. I've used every last ounce of energy I had, thinking that come Monday I would not only have my surgery but a much needed break from everything...and now that's gone, at least for now.

While I usually try to handle myself in a calm, rational manner - especially when dealing with medical professionals - yesterday I just lost it. Completely lost it. The way things went down yesterday completely pushed me over the edge. The stress I have allowed to build up internally just exploded, and for about six hours I found myself in a place I had never been before in my entire life. When I woke up this morning, I realized that my breakdown wasn't just about a canceled surgery, but was really about 20 years of struggles and difficulties with my health that I have internalized. I've taken all of my experiences and feelings and shoved them into a place so I could just "ignore" them and keep moving forward; I've never truly dealt with the situations. I haven't had the luxury of dealing with them, as I needed to focus all of my energies on trying to maintain as normal of a life as possible and coping with the pain. And if I'm being honest, I've felt myself breaking this entire year...it was only a matter of time before I had a monumental breakdown. But now it's over, and it's time to breathe, refocus and rebuild. My life didn't end yesterday, it just changed my path a little bit. And probably for the better.

I'm disappointed that the surgery is off, but hopeful I can still have it rescheduled for December. My boss is understanding of the situation, and I've now been told to do what I need to do and not worry about work...and since he's my boss, I'll gladly follow his orders. I have an appointment with the hematologist today, and I'm even coming armed with support for this one - my dad. It will not only be a first time in over a decade that I've had someone with me for a doctor visit, but I think it may be the first time that my dad is my support. I think this will be a positive thing, as I find myself drained in every way imaginable and little "fight" left. I know he'll speak up for me and fight for the right testing and treatment to get this thing moving and over with.

I want to thank everyone again for their support. I apologize for my ramblings, but for me writing is the most therapeutic thing I can do. I'm hoping one day I can look back at all of this and have a written account of my struggles...and try to come up with a way to make sense of it, and maybe even a purpose for it all.

Devastated

My surgery was canceled approximately 20 hours prior to when I was to leave for Baltimore.

My platelet count is extremely low. 21,000. While I'm certain it's due to the high ANA levels in my body...which is my body's way of fighting the implant...and unfortunately also "fights" tissues, muscles, bone and little things like platelets...it doesn't matter. They can't operate on someone they fear might bleed to death on the operating table.

So here I sit, in the dark, at home. My head is pounding from the past two hours I've spent crying hysterically. I cannot believe that I came so close, just to have it taken away from me.

My fear is that now I have to see a hematologist. This person will no doubt run their tests and ignore any evidence I bring to the table as to help educate them about my situation. They will likely try various things that won't work, will diagnose me with something that I don't technically have on my own, but because of this damn implant that I'm now stuck with for an unknown amount of weeks or months more than what it's already been. This process will take weeks because it is the Cleveland Clinic, and because I'm not a patient with wealth and fame that might bring them some more prestige.

This was my chance to have the surgery with little interruption to my job. Year end close starts January 5; even if I have the surgery three weeks from now, that's putting me back at work at the end of January. I don't think that's feasible, at least if I want to keep my job. A person doesn't take off for six weeks during the most busy time of the year unless it's due to a heart attack or stroke.

I'm just angry. My platelet count was low in February - 110,000. My ANA levels were high; for the life of me I don't understand why my primary care physician didn't think it would be a good idea to check these levels once in awhile? After all, I see her every darn month to get prescription refills, because she only writes me stuff for 30 day supplies. After all of the extra time and energy I have spent preparing for this on a personal and professional level, and to have it taken away from me...I just have no words. I feel like I've been run over by a truck, and then the truck backs up and runs over me again, repeating the process about 100 times over. I'm just devastated. And I have no idea where to go from here.

First Snow

As of November 15, we have now received our first snowfall of the 2008-09 winter season. What started as 56 degrees and cloudy turned into showers, rapidly dropping temps and then snow. It's ironic that exactly three years ago it was almost an exactly similar day in Bettendorf, Iowa, when we held the visitation and funeral for my Grandpa S.

Head Still On

Though I woke up this morning not feeling too great, after I took some vitamins and sinus meds I'm feeling better. Much better than yesterday, thankfully. I don't remember much of the last few days, but I'm still here.

Something weird did catch my eye this morning. On a news web site there were two separate articles relating to grandmothers:

Grandmother Gives Birth to Daughter's Triplets
Grandmother Finds 3 Relatives Dead in Dallas Home

I'm not sure what to make of this, but I know this much - grandmothers are a very important part of our lives. I for one am glad to have both of mine still in my life at the old age of 32. I'm very lucky indeed.

Headaches

For the last few days I have been suffering from ever-increasing headaches. I've narrowed it down to the following potential causes:

1. Going off a few medications that I was taking regularly, that I have to be off prior to the surgery so I don't bleed to death on the table.

2. The fact that I can't get in to see my primary care physician for the required history, physical and pre-op tests until Monday at 2:40pm. The results must be in Baltimore by Wednesday or I can kiss my surgery date goodbye. Considering this is under the Cleveland Clinic umbrella, you can see why I'm gravely concerned.

3. Work-related stress. Trying to wrap-up 3rd quarter numbers and about 100 other things. Plus I need to work on the transition/re-assignment plan so things don't fall apart when I'm gone. The 12+ hour days (not including drive-time) are probably not helping either.

4. Lack of sleep. I've been waking up at about 12:30am the last few mornings and not getting much sleep after that. Partly due to pain, partly due to worry and too many thoughts running through my head.

5. Unknowns still being unknowns. I'm still waiting to hear if this surgery will even be covered by insurance. Plus I'm waiting on information on an outpatient procedure I have to have done Thursday in preparation for the surgery. I have to be there at 7am, but Brad can't join me until later that morning as he has a class he can't miss the night before. I need to figure out how I'm getting to/from the hospital, plus I'm anxious as to whether this will put me out of commission in the days prior to the surgery. After all, I really wanted some time to just enjoy D.C. and try to get my mind off Nov. 24.

6. Lack of me time. I'm so busy trying to wrap up work and homeowners association stuff that I feel I have no time to prepare on a personal level. Considering I'll be away from home for three weeks, I really need that time but haven't found any yet.

I'm guessing my headaches are caused by "all of the above." And while I should stay late at work, or run personal errands after work, I've decided that I will instead be going home, laying down in a dark room and hoping that I'll get some sleep and feel better when I wake up in the morning. And if someone can maybe give me some fluids through an IV or something, I wouldn't be opposed to it. A glass would work, too.

The Details

I got back home late Friday evening from Baltimore, my mind swimming with all of the things that need to happen in these next few weeks.

The surgery has been scheduled for Monday, November 24. I'll have to be there on the 20th for an IVC filter (outpatient procedure), and the 21st to meet with the case manager, so that limits my time back in Ohio even more. I will likely be in the hospital until the day after Thanksgiving, and then will be taking up residence at a Residence Inn about 10 miles from the hospital. My mom has been wonderful enough to agree to take care of me while at the hotel, where I will be stuck for another 1-2 weeks depending on when I'm good enough for the surgeon to release me. I'm guessing I'll be heading back home the week of December 8.

Though this will be the most complicated surgery I have had to date, I do feel confident with the surgical team. The ortho surgeon has removed over 100 of these discs - the most any surgeon has removed in the world - so I'm in good hands there. The vascular surgeon is having me go through some extra tests and procedures so I don't bleed to death. He seems pretty sharp, and was kind enough to see me in between surgeries on Friday.

So what does this all come down to? The next two weeks will probably go by faster than I can imagine. I'm as ready as I'll ever be to get this thing done, so it's probably a good thing that I'll be so busy I won't have much time to think. And as an extra benefit before the surgery, I'll have almost four whole days in the Baltimore/D.C. area to spend with Brad and just hang out in one of my favorite towns. Kind of a last "hurray" before I'm laid up for weeks. Always need to look at the bright side.

Thanks for Nothing, Cleveland Clinic

On October 23 I went to see the surgeon who performed my second spine operation. Though I didn't mention it on this blog, it was a nightmare. I spent 5-1/2 hours there and all but 5 minutes waiting, and at one point was so upset with how I was being treated - including several conversations my doctor had with others about my situation when he was right outside my room - that I hand wrote a "To my doctor" letter on spare paper I had on me in an effort to calm down. Maybe one day I'll just have to post that.

So at the end of the appointment I requested all of my records. After all, I wasted my entire morning there so I should walk away with something, right? I wanted to be able to take them to Baltimore so surgeon #3 could see the progression. Every film I had taken on my back since May 2005 was in the Cleveland Clinic's hands. The surgeon had his secretary give me a form right away to release my records, and then took it from me directly to be processed. I was told that it would be expedited. This was on Thursday, October 23.

So two weeks later, I have not received a thing. My work schedule has been so dreadful that I haven't found the time to think "Hey, you should call CCF and check the status of your records." Well, actually it pops in my head every day, but only at 7:30pm at night when I'm driving home from work. Until today. Yes, last minute, but that's my life lately.

I take 10 minutes to find a number to call, another 10 minutes on hold with the records department. Figured I would go right to the source instead of trying to call a surgeon's secretary who never answers her phone and takes days to call back. I give my patient information, and then I hear the dreaded words. "Sorry, we have no record of your request. It must not have made it to our department."

So now I'm going to Baltimore tomorrow with nothing from CCF other than some test results I can print off the web and the set of x-rays I have from October 23. That's it. I probably should be surprised, but I'm not. Furious, but not surprised.

I'd love nothing more than to tell CCF and the staff I've had to deal with where they can go, and to have twenty minutes alone with a really good punching bag, but for now I'll just have to suffice blogging about it. Tomorrow is around the corner, and "it is what it is."

In the meantime, if you are in need of medical care and want to be treated like some hurt cow that's just going off to the butcher shop anyway, go to The Cleveland Clinic. They specialize in making you feel about two levels lower than dirt. If you want to be treated with a little respect, then go somewhere else. University Hospitals, maybe. I'll let you know.

Exciting Times

I woke up at 2am, unable to fall back asleep. I watched McCain give his concession speech, and Obama give his acceptance speech, which I had recorded earlier in the evening. I then switched on the DVD player to Disc 1 of "The Office" season 2, which I watched until the alarm went off at 4:15 am.

This is definitely an exciting time to be an American, and it was great to see history made last night. While the Democrats have yet to sell me on their plan for success, it's always an inspiration to see someone come from humble beginnings make it to the top. Only in America, and that's a great thing.

I always get worked up on election night, so I'm not surprised I only got three hours of sleep. Still bummed from my new fish-less situation, and horribly anxious about my surgeon appointment on Thursday, I have a feeling that many sleepless nights are ahead of me. Not because of the fish, but the surgery thing.

On a side note I have gotten a lot of e-mails from family & friends that read the blog, giving me encouragement for Thursday and providing me with some great laughter, too. I need to write you all back individually, but since that won't occur for a few days given my schedule I just want to say thank you. I feel I'm lacking mental and emotional strength lately, and to have so many great people behind me really helps. It's difficult for me to communicate what's really going on in my mind, but I am ever so grateful for each of you.