RIP - Benjamin Garfield Suntken

When I was 15 my family moved from Wenatchee, Washington to Austin, Texas. It was a big move, and our second one in two years. My brother was 8, and with our folks feeling a bit guilty about yet another move...especially moving from one completely different type of region/culture to another...we were promised a new cat once we got settled in. We had one when we were younger, but he had passed away about three years before.

After about a month at a Residence Inn, we moved to a rental condo unit in downtown Austin while our new home was being built. In late September, once we had most of the unpacking done and things were settled in, we went to a PetSmart where they had kittens to adopt. We found a small orange tabby with two different colored eyes. He looked to be about 4-6 weeks old and could easily fit in our hand. We adopted him and called him Benjamin Garfield, or "Benny" for short. My first memory of him was setting him on the floor of the condo. He started cautiously walking around, one step at a time, until he froze in his place. All of a sudden he arched his back and every orangish-brown long hair on him stood straight up. He started to snarl at his enemy, which happened to be....himself. It was a mirrored image of him in the bottom drawer of the stove. As he stood there hissing and snarling at his new enemy, the rest of us busted out in laughter. It took him a few weeks before he realized the enemy in the mirror wasn't going to harm him.

I only lived with Benny for about three years before I moved out on my own. My main memories of him were licking butter when it was lying on the counter uncovered; laying in his "cat post" at the top "landing", on his back, with his tail sticking down the hole that he would climb up through; taking it upon himself to destroying the bugs in our Austin home, which included scorpions...one which pinched him and swelled up his cute nose. Once we went to Florida for about 10 days and came back to find an assortment of dead bugs on the fourth step of our house leading up to the second floor. He had killed them while we were gone, then put them in an easily noticeable spot. I think it's safe to say he had great pride in what he had accomplished. I remember the time where he fell from the second floor landing to the first floor tile, a bit shocked but luckily not harmed. He loved to lay on the bed when it was being made, especially when you put the bedspread over him. You could pet him under the bedspread and he would purr with content. He loved tuna, cookie dough, and an assortment of other foods that are not normally fed to a cat.

He rode with me in my Honda Civic from Austin to Peoria, and was actually pretty quiet other than a few mews along the way. He got angry at me when the folks and my brother went away for a weekend and I stayed behind. I think he thought I killed them. He howled in the basement where the garage door was; I had never heard such sounds coming from a cat. I'd let him in the garage to see for himself that I wasn't hiding the family in there, and he would come back in the house still ticked. He was never the same to me after that. My mom thought I had company over that spooked him, but for the written record it was just me and him. It was the first time he was left alone with just one person other than my mom, and by that time he and my mom had grown a close bond since she was home and took care of him the most.

It was hard these past fifteen years to come visit the family and have him treat me like a common stranger. I fed him on occasions when mom and dad would travel, and he would have brief moments where he would treat me nicely...but then after I fed him I was of no use to him and he would be back to ignoring me, hissing at me, or hiding from me. It hurt a bit; he was to be part my cat, but that's what happens when you leave home and don't come back often.

A couple of years ago he was diagnosed with cancer. My brother referred to it as "kitty cancer", though Benny was 16 years old by then and no kitty. He fought a hard fight, but my mom and dad did everything in their power to make him comfortable and to give him whatever he wanted. They rearranged their lives around him, knowing that every time he was by himself it usually made him worse off.

A couple of weeks ago I saw Benny for Mother's Day. He had lost a couple of pounds and wasn't eating. He appeared to be nearing the end. He was sitting in his favorite basket, where my mom would put a blanket over it to keep him warm and comfortable. She lifted the blanket before I left, and to my astonishment he let me pet him. Twice. He didn't move, had his eyes open. It wasn't that he lost his fight; I think he just knew that I was not going to hurt him, and let me have that moment to touch him for what I figured was one last time.

He made it another week, and I saw him again. He had a little more bounce in his step, and while he let me pet him again he then quickly walked away. Still, it was unusual for him. He was affectionate with my mom and somewhat with my dad; also my brother when he would come back home from school and he had a few hours to remember him. He just wasn't that affectionate towards me, as I was very much a stranger.

On Sunday, May 24 it was determined it was time to put Benny to sleep. He couldn't eat, couldn't drink. He was constantly thirsty, but just couldn't drink water out of any container or sink. He wanted to go outside, which he never did; we think he wanted to go out and find a place to rest and just die peacefully. My folks did the right thing, took him to the vet, and had him put to sleep while in my mom's arms.

Benny was almost 18 years old; that's a long time for a cat, and the bonds that grew during that time were strong. I of course feel bad and shed a few tears. But the people hurting most right now are my dad, brother and mom, in that order. They had the longest and closest connection, and to them this is like losing a child or sibling.

After a lot of discussion, Benny will be cremated on Thursday. My parents picked out an urn; considering they move so much I was glad to see they chose something that could be mobile with them. I couldn't picture them burying him and then leaving him someday. It would have been a nightmare.

So rest in peace, little Ben. Thank you for the wonderful times you have given our family, and especially the comfort and happiness you gave our mom. You will definitely be missed.

Stereotyping

Last night Kris Allen won American Idol. I don't find stuff like this too noteworthy for my blog, but I've been fascinated with the media coverage. I haven't gotten too into this season; it's more background noise, really. But this idea that the voting between the final two will be "red states vs. blue states" or "gays vs. Christians" is nuts. I think it's horribly insulting, quite frankly. Maybe some people think that way, but I certainly don't. To say Kris won because of the Christian vote is just as insulting as saying Adam should have won because he was gay. Who cares? This is a reality show, people. Neither one of these guys is going to have an impact on our world. In a country where we are suppose to be treating people as equals, why does the media always break things down against races, religions, etc?

I've spent a good portion of my last two weeks logging resumes - almost 200 of them for a few positions we are hiring for. We are an equal opportunity employer, so we have to track each person who sends us a resume, the position they are applying for, and the ad they are responding to. Ok, that's fine. What I take offense at is I then have to categorize them by sex and race. Luckily there's Facebook, so it's easy to figure that stuff out when the name makes it a little more difficult. But how is this process making things equal? On a personal level I don't think about people that way, but this stupid process forces me to. I hate it. I think it's ridiculous and does the opposite of what it is supposed to do. It goes against what I was taught and brought up to believe.

You know why Kris won? Because more people thought he would make a better recording artist, and I think they are right. Adam belongs on Broadway; albums are not his thing. I did like Kris more, because I tend to support those who have varied musical talent (the guy can sing and play several instruments) vs. going for the guy who can put on a fantastic stage show. But to say that I'm against gays because I supported Kris is ridiculous. I have gay friends; I'm certainly not against them. And I don't go to church, so I'm certain not the "religious right." And to say the majority of people who voted for him are homophobes is shortsighted and wrong. Again, I'm sure that happened to some extent because there will always be sexists and racists out there, but I'm guessing the impact was minimal. Kris won because he connected with American Idol's core audience. And you know what? In the end Kris will get his album, Adam will get his and probably a lead on Broadway. Both have the opportunity to have successful careers. This show isn't about winning anymore like it was back in season one. If you get into the top 12 and have a good enough agent and high likability, you're almost guaranteed a year-long contract giving you time to prove yourself.

To say this showdown and the end result shows how "backwoods" the American voters are is just wrong. And anyone who does say that sounds like they are the ones with the stereotyping issue, not me. If we want everyone to be equal in this country, we need to stop thinking that equality means someone should get something just because they fit into a certain "minority" class. As a female, it's insulting and degrading. I want to have success in my life because I've earned it, not because it was handed to me because I'm a girl.

I'm stepping off my soapbox now. We'll see what happens from here.

Star Trek - 2009 Movie

So Brad, my dad and I saw Star Trek at the Strongsville Cinemark today. And...I enjoyed it. For a two hour film it seemed to fly by, and it left me wanting more. I thought it was pretty genius how they changed the storyline in order to give them more creative freedom with future movies, which there definitely will be. I thought the casting was brilliant, and I can't wait to see how this new timeline unfolds. I loved how pics from the film were released to lead us a particular direction that never occurred; another genius move. JJ Abrams did a fantastic job, and as long as he's leading this effort I will continue to be a supporter. I also enjoyed the quick cameos of people from some of his tv shows; he certainly seems loyal in that aspect to those lesser-known actors that he's worked with before.

With my dad on one side and the husband on the other, it was extremely cool. My dad would occasionally lean over and make excited comments about a certain character, especially those involved in the original series who did cameos or sometimes just were quick glimpses in the background. The acting was great; I cared about these characters, and they stayed true to who they are. Special effects were amazing...really, just a great movie. I can't wait for the next one, and hope that we're close enough to the family to be able to once again share the experience with Dad. And if we're really lucky, if we can get my brother that would fill in what was really the only "missing link" for me.

33's not too bad...so far

I've been through a range of emotions on the days leading up to my birthday. I think it was a solid combination of pain, a reaction to Melatonin I had taken a few nights in a row because I was having trouble sleeping, and the fact we're dealing with some serious personnel issues at work that I felt the Board was not going to handle appropriately. And if you know me, I have a hard time accepting things if I feel people are getting away with something that they should not be. I would have lost a lot of respect for the Board if they had chosen the path they originally wanted to follow, but calmer heads have prevailed and they are now going to go in the direction I recommended. The solution is not an easy one, but people made their own bed and now they have to lay in it. I have nothing to feel guilty about if in the end they lose their job(s).

Friday was actually a really good day considering the circumstances. A former President of the company who still works here part time was back from Florida, saw it was my birthday and invited the accounting department out for lunch. We were minus one person, but went anyway. It was part birthday celebration, part thank you for the little things we do for him while he's away in Florida for three months. He insisted on having wine, I had a great grilled chicken sandwich and then we all had dessert. I was absolutely stuffed, but if my day had ended there it would have been a good one.

Brad sent flowers and a bear; my parents sent carnations that looked like a big cupcake. It was really cool. My brother called me at 5pm to wish my a happy birthday in between his school obligations. I got a flood of emails and Facebook birthday greetings. Went home, picked up some Chinese food and met up with Brad, who had taken the afternoon off to work on a big paper due for his class the next day. We ate and talked; we had hardly seen each other all week, so it was nice to catch up. He gave me a birthday card, which ironically he had given me before. He even mentioned it before I saw it, and yes, it was definitely familiar. What was even more funny is the message he wrote was almost the same as he wrote in the other one. He's definitely consistent, which is a good thing in this case! I helped him hand write notes for a role-play session he had the following day, and then I headed upstairs so I would be out of his way so he could work. To my surprise the neighbors across the street then stopped by with a homemade birthday cake. Considering they didn't start speaking to us again until about a month ago after a 1-1/2 year silence (completely their issue...the one guy resigned from the homeowners Board and developed a jerky, isolated attitude towards everyone), it was a nice gesture. Unfortunately I was too stuffed for cake, so I went upstairs, watched some TV and fell asleep.

Brad came to bed late, and when I opened my eyes a little later I saw 12:17am on our clock. I have this weird thing about time; I can think of a time I want to wake up and literally wake up at that time using nothing but my brain. Honestly, no lie. So the significance of 12:17am on Saturday, May 16 is that was when I was technically born - Eastern Time. I was born 9:17pm in San Diego, California. So...when I awoke I had finally and officially turned 33. I didn't turn into a pumpkin, my life didn't implode. I was in horrible pain, could barely move, but was so exhausted due to some great pain meds that I just went right back to sleep. Welcome to 33.

On Saturday Brad left for class early. I got ready and met the parents at Olive Garden for a light lunch. We went back to there house where I got a few birthday gifts, one in particular which was awesome - a book about Abraham Lincoln and the people in his life, focusing on the day of the assassination and after. I had never seen it before, and I can't remember the name at the moment. The photographs are amazing; I did a quick glance-through and saw some I had never seen before in my collection. I'm excited to read it, and it's even more special because my dad picked it out for me. Let's face it, mother's usually do the shopping, so when my father selects a gift it gives it more meaning. Plus he and I share a love of history, so it was an appropriate gift.

Brad was still in class so to kill time we then did a couple rounds of bowling. I can't play in my old form due to whatever mystery illness I'm suffering from, but I can bowl over 100 so it's not horrible. I'm adapting, and I think it's fun. We even got my mom to play, who surprisingly ended up on the bottom of the scoreboard each time; my dad of course was at the top, but he has been bowling almost his whole life so we're at a bit of a disadvantage.

We then drove 45 minutes north to Cheesecake Factory. I haven't been there in years for a meal (we have picked up dessert to go on a few occasions), and thought it would be a fun atmosphere. Brad met up with us shortly after we got our table, and we had a relaxing, fun, good meal. We of course had dessert, so I decided to with something a little different; their 30th anniversary dessert. A few years off, but I felt it was appropriate. I also had to take a phone pic of my parents, since they are the reason I am here today. They, like myself, hate photos, so it was nice of them to comply with my request to smile for the camera.

So that was my birthday. Now when I'm a few years older and I can't remember, I have this blog to go back to. Brad told me the day before my birthday that we - the two of us - would officially celebrate the following weekend, so the pressure is now on him to deliver. I'm a simple girl; just take me somewhere that is not Cleveland or Akron for a day and I'm happy. There are too many things to see out there in this world, and I love nothing more than exploring. And exploring is always best when you have your best friend by your side. Time will tell what next weekend will bring.

Coming of Age

I once read that if you're a "Hobbit", you come of age at 33. Well, today is that day for me.

I usually don't think much of birthdays, but this year has hit me a bit hard. Four years and four days ago I received an artificial disc, and every year since then, for every birthday, I've always thought "By this time next year things will be better."

But you know what...no more wishing. It looks unlikely to happen, and I have to deal with what I have. I have to reassess what I want out of my life, and how I'm still going to be able to accomplish a dream or two despite my physical/health condition.

I had a great start in life, and seemed ahead of the game with school, work, life in general. But I've stalled the last few years - basically since moving to Ohio - and in some ways have gone backwards. The pain has taken away a lot of my fight, but I need to get it back. I have to, end of story.

So today as I "come of age," it starts a serious conversation in my brain of where I want to go in life. I can't rely on old dreams, I need to create new ones. I need to try and regain a little of what I've lost of myself that I'd like to get back.

In terms of my day, it's probably my least exciting birthday ever. Working all day; co-worker asked for the day off, and I wasn't going to deny my staff a day off just so I could take off for selfish reasons. What would I do today, anyway? I suppose travel somewhere, as I have no qualms about traveling on my own. Brad is focused on his intensive week long class, so no dinner tonight with him except maybe some fast food at home in between his studying. The parents wanted to meet with me downtown for dinner, but didn't feel right doing it without the husband. So basically your standard day. Maybe this is another part of the "coming of age" thing, but I'd hate to think that it means an end to anything fun. Someone please tell me that's not what it means, because if that's the case then the rule must be broken.

It's kind of like my 21st birthday. I woke up in Lafayette, Indiana at a Red Roof Inn, met with a guy selling calling cards for breakfast at Denny's, then sat in a company/regional meeting all day. Pizza Hut for lunch, where I was toasted with Pepsi beverages. I drove home in the dark and spoke with my family and friends on the car phone on the way back home to Grand Rapids. Instead of going straight home I went to work, where I spent time talking with the owner about operations stuff. Got home about 11:45pm, opened my cards and a gift from the folks, and went to bed. Pretty pathetic, but I will say the following weekend I basically went on the "21st birthday tour". Managed to drive to different cities in three different states for my work responsibilities but met up with people I knew along the way and celebrated every night until dawn. Good times.

So as for my 32nd year? How will it be recorded in my memory, and on this blog?

Career - Very satisfying; found those traits I was forced to lose at my other job and found I still "had it." Finally felt I had reached a little bit above where I was when I was 27 and left my job in Minnesota.

Marriage - Considering everything, I think still strong. Today also marks the day Brad proposed eight years ago. I occasionally (jokingly) chide him for proposing on my birthday, since if things don't work out my birthday will forever be scarred. But so far, so good. I learned in a communications class once that by now we should have had many thoughts of leaving each other or possibly throwing the other one out a moving car, but I can say on my side I've never once thought that. I have a great partner in life.

Health - The never ending battle. Had a successful surgery, which considering the fact that it had a very high possibility to leave me bleeding out on the table and dead (it really was a very dangerous surgery, and I was warned many times in advance) I'm happy to still be here. I have a great spine, but still need to figure out why my body continues to attack itself. I thought in my younger years I treated it quite well; it would be nice if it would "work with me" once in awhile.

Personal - Largely due to my health and a somewhat depressive state it caused, age 32 was a time where I found myself really separating myself out and limiting communication. To communicate you need stuff to share, and I just didn't much to share. I'm still trying to get myself to "snap out of it." I miss my family & friends, and really need and want to spend more time with them this year.

Travel - It might be weird to make this its own category, but it's one of the things that makes me most happy. I got to do a little traveling, but no true, real, relaxing getaways. We spent a lot of time in Maryland because of the surgery, but it wasn't true travel. Did drive through Delaware and a small part of New Jersey, so was able to add two new states to the list that I've now been in. Saw Philadelphia briefly, but more importantly walked through Independence Hall. Drove through Chicago many times but never had a chance to stop. Drove to Iowa and back (and repeated a week later) so my Grandma Grimm could be here for my mom's birthday. Drove and flew to Iowa to see Brad's mom many times, though the last time was for her funeral. Did a few day trips to Pittsburgh, and went to Wheeling, WV to a casino one afternoon just to kill some time. Also managed to to go to Athens, OH and see where my brother was living/going to school. Traveled to Put-In-Bay again. So, that all being said, maybe I did out more than what I thought. However, I think the key word at the beginning was "relaxing", and unfortunately most of the traveling was done with limited time. This upcoming year I'd really like a trip to someplace warm where I just "be" all day.

I'm not quite done with being 32 yet. Today might be my birthDAY, but I was born at 9:17pm Pacific Time. Since I'm in the Eastern time zone, it technically means I won't turn 33 until 12:17am tomorrow morning. So if you don't mind, I think I'll get to work and try to make the most of my remaining hours before I officially "come of age." Bye-bye, 32. There goes yet another year.

P.S. This little guy is courtesy of the husband for my birthday. He'll go right next to my little Chicago Bears cub on my desk.

Lazy Day

I usually work pretty hard when I'm in the office, but occasionally I have a day where I just don't want to work. My body is here, but my mind isn't. Today is one of those days.

It's been a rough few weeks at work. Actually, it's the first time since I started in December 2007 that I've been a little frustrated with some of the higher-ups. It's not a bad thing, because once Brad gets his MBA in December we want to explore leaving the area. It would certainly make it easier to leave if I no longer have in my head what a perfect company it is. It's not as bad as the other places I've worked at here in Ohio - not even close - but it is no longer perfect.

So today I've been here almost four hours and accomplished almost nothing. A few things, but mostly chatted with friends online and talked with some folks here. I am completely unmotivated today. And yes, one could say that I'm wasting company money, but the truth is that I've put in more than 40 hours already this week, I don't get paid for my OT, and I have done what I need to. I put in a ton more hours than I've gotten paid for, and today I just don't feel like putting in an effort.

Where is my head? I don't know, anywhere but here. Want to escape somewhere, don't know where. Even if I went I'd be in pain so would likely not have much fun. Unless I just kept drinking, and if I surrounded myself with entertaining people. That could make me forget about the pain and probably be fun until I feel asleep and woke up the next day with a hangover.

Silly to say, but the goofing off and dreaming about places that aren't here have actually put me in a slightly better mood. I think I'm going to go off and try to be a productive adult this afternoon.

Star Trek

Yes, I'm a geeky girl who loves Star Trek, so I'm excited about the new film that I've heard is amazing (at least from my friend Moe, whose judgment I trust).

The reason I love Star Trek is because of my dad. We would sit and watch the original tv show reruns together every weekend around our small, brown, tv in our living room. It was all so campy, but as a four/five year old the colors, stories and creatures captivated my attention. When the movies came out, I always saw them with my dad. My mom wasn't into the series, so originally it was just the two of us. I remember going to a four-plex theater in Rockford, Illinois. We'd get there early, and sit at the top row, center. At that time there were no commercials and advertisements like there are now; it was just a "star field" of various colored lights on the screen, all moving to create very entrancing figures. My dad and I would sit there, eating popcorn and basically making up our own "movie" to the colors on the screen. "Oh no, watch out! The alien is behind you!" Stuff like that. We used our imaginations to kill time until people started filling the seats and the movie started.

I received the "Star Trek" magazine for a few years, which we learned of its existence while stopping at Wall Drug in South Dakota during our move to Wenatchee, Washington from Sterling, Illinois. Later when we moved to Austin, Texas, we attending a very small Trek convention. For the record, we did not dress up as cast. We loved the series, but not that much. In the 80's and early 90's, we had every movie on a VCR tape, which we watched often. It was an important bonding experience for us.

When Star Trek Next Generation started we were both against watching the show. It seemed hard to imagine it would have the same "integrity" of the first show, but for me it turned out to be even better. We finally saw an episode and were hooked; I credit the Borg storyline for our interest. Now my younger brother joined in the bonding. As the movies kept coming out it was now the three of us. I think I have seen almost all Star Trek movies except maybe the first and last ones with my dad. As I grew older and lived in places away from wherever my parents were at the time, Brad became my companion for the Trek shows and films.

I watched Deep Space Nine, but was never a regular viewer. It took reruns to get me to watch Voyager, which was a lot more interesting than I thought it would be. When Enterprise started it was always taped on TIVO, though the series never did meet expectations.

The last few "Trek" series movies were not top on my list. And while I've spent months wondering if this newest film would be able to entice me enough to watch, I've come to the conclusion that it's a must. I'm not sure how...I have to work on Saturday, Brad has class and I doubt my mom would be happy to go see it together on Mother's Day. But maybe, just maybe, I can get at least my dad and Brad together to see the film this weekend. I just can't imagine not seeing it with the two important men in my life. I won't always be 10 minutes down the road from my folks, so I want to make the most of it while I still can.

How will I judge the movie? I want to be able to recognize little things about the original characters in this newer, younger cast. Scotty & McCoy were my favorites, so those actors better do those characters justice. I don't want over dramatization or the "campy" style of the 60's show, but I want lots of action and I want to be sucked in and entertained for the time I'm there. I want to feel like I'm back in that movie theater in Rockford with my dad on one side, and now my husband on the other, enjoying the cultural phenomenon of the late 20th century called "Star Trek." Just more updated, visually appealing, and with an amazing storyline that the last few movies have been lacking. And if I can somehow skip all of the commercial/ad garbage beforehand, even better.

That being said, I think this is an appropriate way to end this blog:

Five Month Follow-Up

I am really trying not to post health-related stuff on this blog, but if you are someone who is only aware of this blog and are trying to finding out how things went yesterday, you can go to www.failedadr.blogspot.com.

I drove 800 miles yesterday to Baltimore & back. It's amazing how you're driving through three connected states, yet I feel like I went through about four different countries. The landscape, people and culture change so much along the way that I find it fascinating. Once I got north of Baltimore I started to get that "we belong here" feeling. It's something I've felt for awhile. Not necessarily Baltimore alone, but the whole D.C. and surrounding region. I've lived in nine states, which included ones out West, in the South and the Midwest. The D.C. region basically takes my favorite things from each of the states and combines it all together to one dream area, at least for me. While I would have liked to have made it a four day weekend there with the husband, he starts he one-week intensive MBA class (second to the last one) tomorrow, and it is hard to really enjoy D.C. when you're health isn't the best. I would have enjoyed it, but not as much than if I didn't have the leg pain to contend with.

We're pretty open this summer other than work, so we're hoping to take a few trips to the D.C. area, visit family and start to investigate some of the areas. We want to have a better feel for the different regions so we can make a decision where to focus our efforts on where we'd like to work and live. Brad will have the MBA in hand, so I'm letting him take the lead this time. As for me, I want to be near a Metro station and would love a job in D.C. I think I would be in heaven if we could make that happen. It's a good motivational tool for me.

I took some pics along my trip, but mostly in PA and I'm not sure how good they are as the weather was pretty overcast. The drive home was prettier as there was a lot of light fog, but then you lost the detail on the PA hills. I'll see if there are any good ones to post later.

Arrested Development does not Equal Sit Down, Shut Up

A few years ago FOX canceled my favorite show "Arrested Development" (AD). Last Sunday FOX premiered "Sit Down, Shut Up" (SDSU), a new animated comedy by Mitch Hurwitz who also created AD.

Three of the AD cast do voice work for three characters - Jason Bateman, Will Arnett and Henry Winkler. And after watching the new animated show, it did nothing but bring back the anger and frustration over the AD cancellation since the new show is pretty lame. I wanted to like it, but I didn't. I know pilot episodes are rough and often unlikeable so I will give it a second chance, but if it sucks just as much I don't believe I'll be allocating any of my time to the show.

In an effort to get people to watch the show, FOX has now created a long online promo basically saying they messed up, canceled a great show, but now as an apology they are offering SDSU so us AD fans should therefore watch and we'll all be happy again.

Sorry FOX, doesn't quite work that way. I'll see the AD movie when it comes out as many times as I can, will buy the DVD and even a Franklin puppet if they come out with one, but I'm not going to watch a 30-minute show that seems disjointed, with confusing characters and no real plot.

Smart Business Network

I looked in my mail today and found a delightful invitation to a President's Forum from the Smart Business Network. Because they think I'm a successful CEO (not my title, but oh well), I can attend this event for $195, where I will get to mingle with others and talk about how successful and smart we are. For an entire day.

I like the naming of the company, because they certainly are "smart" since I know there are actual people who will cut the check and attend this thing. Smart business for the company selling this, but not so much for me. Even if I was able to pretend to be a CEO for the day.

TV Favorites

My last few posts have not been on the most happy of topics, so I thought I would share something more lighthearted today. My top television shows, at least as of now. What can I say, tastes change!

• "The Office." I will never, ever get sick of this show. Now with the Michael Scott Paper Company in business, I'm more drawn to it than ever. I love how the characters have evolved, though I'm still wondering why Jim hasn't evolved more than the rest. They've hinted at some stuff with him in the past, but aren't taking it anywhere. We all know that Pam's his girl, but what does he want in life besides her and some kids? And am I the only one secretly rooting for Andy to figure out that he's gay and hook up with Oscar? Is there a more perfect odd-couple match than that?
  
• "Arrested Development." No new episodes, but there will finally be a movie next year. I watched the show from day one, and now that it's on cable five days a week I still religiously watch. It amazes me how I still find something new each time I watch, even though I've seen each episode a minimum of ten times. The details and consistency in that show surpasses anything ever put on TV. That show is absolutely brilliant, and I cannot wait for the movie. Just like when "The Simpson's Movie" came out, I will have tickets for opening day and will be taking everyone I can with me. Leading up to opening day, I will also do my "top five episodes" blogs, just like with "The Simpson's." What can I say, they deserve the blog space.
  
• "The Deadliest Catch." I'm not a fish person, mostly because it gives me a stomachache and most of them I find gross. While it took me awhile to get into this show, it's now something I'm excited about, and season five kicks off this week. I find it intriguing how people put their lives on the line and suffer through some of the harshest conditions on our planet, just to catch crab for people to eat. It would be one thing if crab was the only thing on the planet to sustain us humans, but it's not. I've seen enough episodes now where I'm invested in the crew, and care about their plight and their success. I'm definitely "on board" with the show.
• "The Soup." Though it's origins started way back on the E! channel as "Talk Soup", definitely refrain from calling it that. Joel McHale absolutely makes my Friday evenings; he's intelligent yet hilariously funny. I think he is a genius, and I keep waiting for him to break out into a leading TV or movie role (which may happen soon if his NBC pilot picks up). Did I mention that Brad and I have tickets to see him in June doing his stand-up thing? I've read great reviews, plus have heard that he stays and signs autographs/takes pictures with everyone who wants one. Funny, good looking, and cares about the fans - how could I not love his show?
• "SuperNanny." Oh Jo, how do you have the patience to deal with such dysfunctional and often obnoxious and clueless families? The children on this show are jaw-dropping loons, and definitely make me happy that it's just Brad and I and no little one(s) around. Sure, the parents on the show are the ones that have caused their kids to have issues, and I think we'd do a much better job raising a kid, but it's definitely entertaining to watch when they are not your own or related to you in any way. Plus what is it about the British that makes them more entertaining to watch? We don't watch often, but sometimes on a weekend evening when we're not out and there's nothing else on it can kill time.
  
• "Dancing with the Stars." I never in a million years thought I would watch this show, as the demographic appeared to be more 50 and older. But when I saw some of the cast - Steve Wozniak, Steve-O, Dennis Richards (I can't stand her but wanted to see her fail miserably), I just had to tune in. And now it's my weekly Monday night staple. Brad has class, so it works out for him, too...I can just show him any cool parts when he comes in the door at 9:30pm and leave it at that. If I have one complaint, it's the dreadful singing on that show. Honestly, it's horrible, and often makes me turn the sound down or at times even fast-forward.
  
• "Millionaire Matchmaker." When I first saw this show I was at home alone (Brad was in Iowa) and not feeling the best; it was during my surgical recovery. They had back-to-back shows from the first season, so it was literally an afternoon/evening marathon. As I laid on the couch in misery, I kept thinking to myself "What horrible, dreadful people." But guess what - I couldn't change the channel. I guess it's the old "Can't help but watch the train wreck" thing, plus I was not in good shape and the thought of finding something else to watch seemed too much work. The people are still horrible and dreadful, but it's entertaining and it is set in L.A. The "matchmaker" has some good points, but usually the stuff out of her mouth is pretty old fashioned, sexist, short-sighted and petty, but it makes for good TV. Definitely my "guilty pleasure" show.
  

There are also a few shows that I want to get back into, but am finding it difficult. They have moments of brilliance, but take a long time to get where they are going.

• "House." Last week's episode with Kutner's suicide made me tune in, but I'm still having a hard time getting back into the show. It's never been the same since the original three support staff moved into different positions, and now that they killed off the only new character I liked...I just don't know if I can watch. I tape the show, but usually just end up deleting.
• "Lost." I watched loyally for three years, but felt things were going nowhere and gave up last year. I caught one episode this year that I found intriguing, but currently have three on my TIVO that I can't bring myself to watch. I've come to the conclusion the only episode I'll end up watching is the finale, as I am very interested in what the heck this whole thing was about.
  
• "Chuck." I like the show, but find it hard to stay engaged. I've missed so many episodes that I'm a bit lost. While I like the characters, I just find that it doesn't keep my attention. I want to be into it, but it's falling short for me.

Again, just something mindless for today. I've had a few rough days physically for some unknown reason, and it's something to help get my mind off my misery.

Tax Day

I just got my official notification that my federal and state tax submissions have been accepted. Yes, it's that time of year, and today is the big tax deadline day.

I don't think most people really think about taxes. Given that it's deducted from our check, I don't think we stop and really think about how much that is and where it's going. I've heard people say that maybe we'd care more if we had to actually write a check to the government each month...dollars look different when you write out a check vs. just seeing them on a paycheck stub. And it's not just your paycheck - almost everything you purchase is taxed. Sometimes it's hidden (e.g. gas prices) and other times it's not. But if you stopped and added up what you pay in a year, I think we would all be a bit shocked.

Am I against taxes? No, of course not. They can, and do, serve a purpose. I do have an issue this year, though. I see our government spending way beyond it's means; more than I ever thought I'd see in my lifetime. You can't tell me that the only people footing the bill are those making over $250k, because they aren't. Take a look at the tax tables for 2009. Sure, they've slightly changed the tax brackets, but not by much. And while one of the new bills passed this year initiated the payroll company taking less out of my paycheck, in my bracket for 2009 I'm not only to pay the same percent as last year but also an additional $400 on top of that. So why is the government taking less out of my check each pay period? If I didn't realize it - and most people don't - I would just assume it's some sort of tax break. In reality, they are collecting less and when next year rolls around I'll owe them more. Instead of a refund like this year, I'll probably be sending them a check. It's a mental game.

Everyone is having to tighten their budgets, watch their spending...but not our governments. They don't care. Though they have modest salaries, do you wonder why so many of them live in expensive homes, have private jets, etc? Why did so many people up for positions in the new government had issues with paying their taxes? Because they feel they are better than us, above us, and above the law. They write the laws and the loopholes. They know they can do whatever they want, because everything they do is so complex and convoluted that no one can understand most of what they pass. The tax system might as well be written in Greek; you think that is not on purpose? Go online and read the laws that Congress passes; do you understand them? Does anyone talk like that, or write like that in a normal business? Of course not; they make it complex and lengthy so no one knows what is really going on. It's all one big game, and the citizens are the suckers. That includes me, because I have not done anything than voting (and venting on my blog), and that's not going to change things.

The government will never hurt the people that put them in office. I'm not talking about those who voted for them, I'm talking about the ones with the money who supported their campaign, got them face-time and practically purchased their seats. You think we're going to see Hollywood stars in modest $200k homes any time soon? You think the CEOs of large firms are going to start driving Kia's to work because they are now paying their "fair share" in taxes? What is a "fair share" anyway? Why are we so obsessed with making everyone "equal" when it comes to money? Read the Declaration of Independence; we are equal in that we all deserve the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. There is a reason nothing else is listed besides those three things. It's because no one is born equal. That's life. We all have our challenges, obstacles, and gifts. I have struggled with poor health most of my life, but I am darn lucky when it comes to my career, family and friends. Yes, people should have a roof over their heads and food to eat, but I do not think we need to be equal in those aspects. Not everyone should have a $300k home; everyone does not deserve the right to eat out at Morton's once a month. If we do, then I'm going to start taking a bat to people, since if we're going to be equal in wealth then I think we should be equal in health, too. No, I would never do that, but I'm trying to prove a point here. Usually when we are poor in one area we are rich in another; it's usually a matter of one's attitude and perspective.

Though it hasn't been discussed much in the media, people are expected to gather in various cities today for a "tea party." It just so happens that one should be taking place a block from where I work from 4-6pm. While I do not have any intention of "protesting", I may just stop by to check it out. If it's nothing but a conservative rally, forget it. If it's still raining like it is now, then I definitely won't be going. But if the sky clears and it appears to be a gathering of citizens from all walks of life getting together to try and send a message to our representatives that we are unhappy with their choices regarding taxing and spending, I just might stay.

I saw an interesting opinion piece by Penn Jillette (of Penn & Teller) a few weeks ago; I think he sums up the situation pretty well. I never thought I would say that about a magician, but here I am supporting his message. I'm not thinking about what's best for me here; I want what is best for my country. I want what is best for my family, friends, and former/current co-workers, most of whom are struggling right now. There is this opinion by most that we need to spend in order to "save ourselves". I'm sorry, but I'm terrified that the only thing this spending will do is burden all generations to the point where there will be no fix. We'll all be stuck with a massive debt on our hands, yet none of us will know exactly where all of that money went to since it certainly will not be in our pockets. The government keeps talking about helping the "middle class", but I'm not seeing it. To me, this is nothing but a big scam; it just won't be exposed for what it is until it's too late.

I'm sorry for my rant, but the situation weighs on my mind. It doesn't help that I see AIG's new digs on our office floor, with their cherry wood doors, top of the line furniture & equipment, etc. To me it's a constant reminder of how messed up things truly are.

Cleveland

A lot is going on in Cleveland these days. We had the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame (RRHOF) induction ceremony on April 4, which was held right next to where I work. For a week leading up to the proceedings I could barely get in and out of the parking garage due to all of the bands' buses and trucks taking up most of the street. It brought a lot of people into downtown, which was nice to see. The RRHOF is actually a really cool, beautiful building from any angle, though the large, plain Federal Building is blocking my view of it from my office window. I always thought it was ridiculous that the city of Cleveland was good enough to have the RRHOF here, but not good enough for the induction ceremonies which are usually held in NYC. I'm sure the big names in music think Cleveland is beneath them, but give me a break - we're not asking them to come to Antarctica or some trash pit. Cleveland can put on a good show when motivated. I give props to the musicians who did come here, who put on a great show and didn't once complain about the location. In fact, several vocalized that the ceremony should be held here every year; for now, it looks like we'll get it every three years. For a city that is usually mired down in political maneuvering and a lack of true caring about turning Cleveland around, it was definitely a positive.

This week should hold another positive for Cleveland, if the city, county and state government representatives can get their act together. For over ten years there have been discussions regarding a Medical Mart and Convention Center, similar to the Merchandise Mart in Chicago; in fact, it would be operated by the same group. A vote is to be made on Thursday in regards to the agreement. This is huge for the city, and without it I think it's fair to say Cleveland will end up in more decline and decay than it already is. We're already in danger of losing our airport "hub" status with Continental, and businesses are not only pulling out of Cleveland but the state as a whole due to the taxes and restrictions on businesses in the state. I'm not even going to go into the state of decay the majority of Cleveland is in, with abandoned manufacturing facilities, buildings and homes everywhere you turn. And did I mention the 10.2% unemployment rate in greater Cleveland? The sad part is that the foundation here is beautiful; you have Lake Erie, which is completely underutilized. You have buildings that at one point were beautiful, majestic and showed off the wealth this city and its citizens once had. If this deal does not go through, I don't know if the government representatives are smart enough or care enough to do anything else to improve the situation. The corruption is too great, and there is no motivation. The citizens of Cleveland do not care, and they continue to vote the same people into office. The problem is too big to solve overnight, and no one has patience anymore. People will continue to move further away from the city, or out of the city/state all together. People who have lived here there whole lives have become immune to their surroundings, but to someone like myself who has lived in areas across the country all I see is one big "warning" sign urging me to get out of here as fast as I can.

What's my point in all of this? I'm hoping that people finally do something right and sign the MedMart/Convention Center agreement. I hope that they use local companies, local people, and that they do it right so that it actually does boost the city and the people that reside in it. I want the people of this city to wake up and do something about their situation, before they become as bad as Detroit. I may not want to spend the rest of my life here, but I certainly hate to see those that stay here suffer.

Easter Weekend

I was lucky enough this year where our every-other-Friday-off fell on Easter weekend, which gave me three full days out of the office. I really haven't taken advantage of that Friday-off thing for awhile, given the year-end closing responsibilities and all of the unusual events such as surgeries/procedures, doctors, appointments, and everything with my mother-in-law. I might not have always been in the office, but was definitely working remotely on my "Friday off" and weekends to keep caught up with everything. I haven't really gotten a break, and while this weekend was busy it was a good time to mentally reset and gear up for quarter-end close and other items that typically occur this time of year.

Though time went by too quickly, it was a good mixture of productivity and fun. Brad and I picked out tile for our kitchen, dining room & downstairs bathroom, and put together our "Lowes purchase list" that included six-panel doors, a new kitchen sink & garbage disposal, and new toilets. Our house is only four years old, but we would like to sell it within the next year or so and are working on affordable upgrades that will give our house a little something extra in hopes that it will appeal to someone enough for them to make an offer. We picked out new door handles, and knobs and crown molding for the kitchen cabinets. We still have some painting to do upstairs, along with the daunting task of painting all of our woodwork white, but once it's completed I think we'll have a pretty good looking house. Oh, and we do have some basement work to complete but that will likely be last on the list. The goal is to get this completed sooner than later so we have some time to enjoy it before we try to sell it during these difficult economic times.

When we weren't out looking at home upgrades, Brad and I spent the time together just being out and about. For Easter we went to my parents house for a low key dinner with steak, potatoes, green beans and rolls. It was nice to have just the four of us, though I wish my brother could have made it home. I texted him a message before dinner, and he called us during it and we took turns talking to him. After watching some golf (and almost falling asleep as I'm just not that into the sport), I had this urge to go bowling. I haven't been bowling in years with my back, but it just sounded like a lot of fun, and something I could actually handle. It didn't take much arm twisting, and before I knew it the four of us piled into the car and drove to a bowling alley in Norton. One of two families there, we put on our bowling shoes, picked out the ball that would lead us to victory and played two rounds. My mom decided to wisely sit out and just watch, and though my father and husband beat me in both rounds I managed several strikes and spares. Considering I was concerned about slipping on the floor with shoes that had no grip, I adjusted my style a bit so I wouldn't injure myself. It was definitely not how I was taught to bowl, but I did well; I believe I hit 120 in my second game. Not bad for someone who hasn't played in 10 years, has had four back surgeries and played with a 12-pound ball. Sure, I'm sore today, but it was worth it. It might be something I try to do on a more normal basis, as it is good exercise.

On another positive note my cousin Gina and her husband Anthony had a baby girl, Josephine, on Easter Sunday.

All in all it was a good weekend, and a nice break from work.

Spring

One definition of Spring is "A season of of growth", and I'm certainly hoping that is what Spring 2009 will be for me. Though I promised myself back in 2006 that I would try to avoid topics regarding my health on this blog (I had set up others for that), I obviously did not succeed. In truth, my life these past few years has almost 99% defined and consumed by my health problems. It's hard to avoid blogging about something that most affects your life every minute of every day, so I ended up devoting time on this blog regarding my health, especially leading up to the ultimate important surgery in December.

Now it's Spring, and time for change and growth. I'm renewing my vow to try and avoid health-related topics; I'll save it for my other blog. This year is about reclaiming my life and making the most of it.

Carolyn Fairfield - March 20, 2009

I know many of you - especially my family and friends - follow this blog and have been following the progress with Brad's mom Carolyn, so I felt it important to post it here that she passed away around 12:30am this morning. Brad was by her side when it happened, but unfortunately was the only one there with her at the time. On the plus side, he was there for his mom and I know that was very important for him to have her not be alone. His brother is back in Iowa from Japan, and his sister and her children are driving up from Dallas on Friday/Saturday. I'm flying into to Omaha in the evening; that was my original plan, and Brad did not feel a need to change it at this time. We'll know by the end of the day in regards to when the visitation and funeral will be.

Carolyn was an absolutely amazing woman who touched an unbelievable amount of lives during her stay here on Earth. I do not think there was a single person she met who wasn't influenced positively by her in some way. She was incredibly intelligent; her memory, almost up to her final days, was impeccable. She had a great appreciation and interest in people, and had an interest in each of their stories. She saw the good in people, and did her part to better her community and provide support to the organizations within it. Carolyn truly cared about each individual she met, and was the first to lend support. She looked out for others, and was always lending a hand to those who were down on their luck or in need. She was a faithful Methodist, and never feared death even though she faced it for over two years. Carolyn had a great love for her husband, children and grandchildren, and of course for her siblings and other family members. And though she faced difficult health problems for many years, she still faced life with a great sense of humor, grace, and an unbelievable amount of strength and resolve.

Carolyn welcomed me with open arms into the family back in 2002; I, on a personal note, feel so blessed for the time I got to spend with her. I am grateful that I had an opportunity to get to know her. I am thankful for the stories and family history she shared. I will never forget her intelligence, caring and wit, especially because I see those traits shine clearly in her son - my husband, Brad - every day. Though she is no longer with us here, she definitely will live on in her children and grandchildren.

I don't usually go around speaking for Brad, but I know that he is unbelievably grateful for all of the prayers and support you have offered for his mom, for him and his family. These situations are never easy, but I know that it meant - and means - a lot to him to have that kind of love and support surrounding him. We know that Carolyn is in a better place, and certainly left behind a world that was better off for her being in it. We are grateful that she is finally at peace, though we will miss her so.

March

I'm still not ready to post on here regularly; posting on my Failed ADR blog instead. While it was meant to keep everyone up-to-date on my progress before and after back surgeries #3 & 4, it has also now become a place for update's on Brad's mom, who is on her final days. As one can imagine, we have been living our lives day-by-day since about October. It's been weird, because there can be no such thing as "planning"; everything we do is decided at the moment based on what is going on around us at that particular time. While things should be settling down within the next month, for now I just don't have the time or mentally to post on this blog. I've posted enough on here about my health issues, and while it's been a huge part of my life I just want to keep it as separate as possible from here on out. There are lots of other things on the horizon, and when the time is right I'll find my way back here. So for now, if you're wondering how things are going, my other site or Facebook page is the place to be.

Waiting

Just a brief check-in, as I'm still more on my Failed ADR blog these days. Had the IVC filter removed in Maryland this past Friday, and am seeing very small changes in pain levels. Not drastic ones, just small ones. A week ago I was in agonizing pain that drove me insane, and now while I'm still in a lot of pain I am still somewhat able to work through it. Most of my energy is unfortunately going into my job; have to pay the bills. If I had my choice I'd still be working from home, probably PT as it is really difficult to stay focused for 10 hours and be in a car for almost 2 hours each day. By the time I get home I'm useless, and only do what I absolutely need to do.

If this whole health experience these last three years has indeed been caused by a reaction to nickel, I can't expect results overnight. From what I've read, it will likely take a month or so to really see a real change. What has been most affected is my blood make-up; my platelet count bottomed out, and my body's defense system - the anti-nuclear antibodies (ANAs) - took over everything and just attacked, attacked, attacked. It will take time for the ANAs to dwindle in numbers; my platelets won't survive while my ANA number is still so high. Both of these factors cause inflammation, hence the pain I'm experiencing. If after a month there is still no change, then I'm back to trying to figure out what the cause is. It's one thing to have pain, but another thing to have such odd blood occurrences taking place. Doctors may have disputed how much pain I've been in because I continue to work and be successful in my job, but I can't make up the results of my blood work. Something is going on.

It's just an odd time overall. I think at this point Brad and I are both almost taking things day by day, unsure of what the next day will bring. That's all we can really do at this point!

Reason Why Cleveland Clinic Sucks #47

Back in early November (of 2008) I requested a prescription refill online through the Cleveland Clinic. I had been taking this one drug to help me sleep at night, and while I had every intention of going off of it once I had my surgery, I was going to be a few days short and requested just a few pills (5 to 10) to get me by.

Now the Cleveland Clinic has an online system, so I used it. I figured it was easier than trying to call, spend time on hold and then end up being sent to some phone/key-entry prescription refill thing. I've been down that road and it can waste up to 30 minutes of your life just trying to refill a single prescription. So I did the online thing, and in true Cleveland Clinic fashion I ended up with absolutely no response.

So today I'm looking online at my drug store account, as I'm waiting for a prescription to come through in regards to my back surgery/leg pain. This one is not from Cleveland Clinic, which means I don't have to stress about it as much. But, to my complete surprise, there is my refill for the medication I requested back in November. Turns out it was filled on Thursday, January 22.

Let's see, by my math that means it took them over two months to call in the refill. Wow. Amazing work, Cleveland Clinic. Just one more reason you suck, and one more reason I refuse to go to you ever again. Also, if you think I'm paying for that prescription you're nuts - no thanks! Even if the darn thing is $4....

Thoughts on the Day

I was at my desk working when the inauguration took place, so I did two things when I had the chance.

1. Watched a video of the swearing in ceremony; I was very happy to see a close-up of the bible Lincoln was sworn in on, because I've been obsessed with him as long as I can remember and really wanted to see it. I would die if I had a chance to touch it like the Obama's did!

2. Read President Obama's speech. I find that it's better to read speeches than to watch them be read, because I like to take the theatrics out of it. So I read it...and was actually underwhelmed. It was kind of weak. Who knows, maybe I set the bar too high, but I was looking for something inspiring, and instead found more rhetoric about how we need to all come together. That's fine, let's all come together, but for what? I've been hearing this for over a year now, isn't time for something else? Again, maybe I'm being picky, but I just thought that considering all of the hype, it was a bit of a let down. I'm sure if I heard it read maybe I would think differently, but again...I'm more interested in the actual words than the performance.

I will say though, the picture of The Mall with all of those people was awesome. Quite frankly, every inauguration should be like this. It was nice to see people watching our government in action.